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Padium
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28 Dec 2008, 6:30 pm

How do I show interest in someone without pushing them away? How do I learn about their interests without monologueing? How do I get to be with someone? I just eed a companion.....



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Deinonychus
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28 Dec 2008, 6:34 pm

It might help to break down those very general questions into more specific and focused ones. I think that would make answering them easier.



sinsboldly
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28 Dec 2008, 6:52 pm

Padium wrote:
How do I show interest in someone without pushing them away? How do I learn about their interests without monologueing? How do I get to be with someone? I just eed a companion.....


the only way I can stop monologueing is to put something in my mouth and shut up. I stick the end of my pen between my teeth and bite down so I can remember to keep shut up, and then keep it there so words don't ooze out of my mouth. I put my finger curled up over my lips and hold my elbow with the other arm, to remind me to let them talk.

I desparately want to listen and learn about others, so they will bond with me and the only wayI can do it is to find ways to stop my alienating behavior. Dinner or lunch is good because then I can stuff my face with food while they talk.

oh, and also, if there are places where neither say anything, I have to keep myself from rushing in with my theories about glass making in Istanbul, Turkey in the 1890's just to have something to say. Sometimes it is 'comfortable silence'.

Merle


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pakled
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28 Dec 2008, 6:56 pm

First - stay focused on them, with enough room to allow them to respond to conversation. Slow down, reply to statements, and break your statements into smaller bits. Stay on subject, but be prepared for the subject to change. This is normal.

Second - listen. Ask leading questions about their areas of interest, when they stop talking. Things like "That's interesting. How long have you been at it?" or "That's cool. So how does it work?" Absorb the answers, but just in a general way. This is not a test...;)

Third- it depends on how you want to be with someone. If you're actually interested in romantic attraction, look for areas of commonality (things you're both interested in), be complimentary, without being obsequious (don't lay praise on with a trowel), smile, look in their eyes every once in awhile, and try to have fun.

Also, what I call the 'Wilie Sutton effect": if you're looking for something, go where it can be found.
If you're stealing money, look into banks (Willie Sutton), if you're looking for love, go where you can find unattached women (or whatever your gendered interest is).

That's all I can think at the moment.



Padium
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28 Dec 2008, 7:09 pm

pakled wrote:
First - stay focused on them, with enough room to allow them to respond to conversation. Slow down, reply to statements, and break your statements into smaller bits. Stay on subject, but be prepared for the subject to change. This is normal.

Second - listen. Ask leading questions about their areas of interest, when they stop talking. Things like "That's interesting. How long have you been at it?" or "That's cool. So how does it work?" Absorb the answers, but just in a general way. This is not a test...;)

Third- it depends on how you want to be with someone. If you're actually interested in romantic attraction, look for areas of commonality (things you're both interested in), be complimentary, without being obsequious (don't lay praise on with a trowel), smile, look in their eyes every once in awhile, and try to have fun.

Also, what I call the 'Wilie Sutton effect": if you're looking for something, go where it can be found.
If you're stealing money, look into banks (Willie Sutton), if you're looking for love, go where you can find unattached women (or whatever your gendered interest is).

That's all I can think at the moment.


That's probably the best advice I've had in a while.



sinsboldly
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28 Dec 2008, 9:49 pm

Padium wrote:
pakled wrote:
First - stay focused on them, with enough room to allow them to respond to conversation. Slow down, reply to statements, and break your statements into smaller bits. Stay on subject, but be prepared for the subject to change. This is normal.

Second - listen. Ask leading questions about their areas of interest, when they stop talking. Things like "That's interesting. How long have you been at it?" or "That's cool. So how does it work?" Absorb the answers, but just in a general way. This is not a test...;)

Third- it depends on how you want to be with someone. If you're actually interested in romantic attraction, look for areas of commonality (things you're both interested in), be complimentary, without being obsequious (don't lay praise on with a trowel), smile, look in their eyes every once in awhile, and try to have fun.

Also, what I call the 'Wilie Sutton effect": if you're looking for something, go where it can be found.
If you're stealing money, look into banks (Willie Sutton), if you're looking for love, go where you can find unattached women (or whatever your gendered interest is).

That's all I can think at the moment.


That's probably the best advice I've had in a while.


I agree! great stuff.
I would like to know where single women go that single men are looking for them.

Merle


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