So confused, my mind is about to explode!

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tbam
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25 Feb 2008, 1:08 am

I've dug myself into quite a rotten hole of confusion, I really don't know where to go from here. If I wasn't such an optimist and enjoyed living, I would be contemplating offing myself at the moment. God-Bless my emotional memory, or lack-therof.

I've made a few other posts about what has been happening with me lately, but they have all been before this current event.

Basically, i've always felt different, and through my last relationship and now this one, there has always been a distinct lack of understand on my part (and I used to think, there's) of my intentions, and what I mean as well as communicating my feelings. I've never been good at identifying with my feelings and even worse when it comes to talking about them.
I also have an incredibly over-active mind. My mind is always thinking, questioning, observing, pondering, analysing and organising. I'm now married (or, was) to the girl I thought was the girl of my dreams.

She is everything I need in a partner, a friend and a lover. But i keep ballsing it up. I keep forgetting things, missing things, doing things without thinking about anything outside of my own perspective. I basically keep screwing up and I can't help it. When we fight, she gets REALLY upset and hurt and usually threatens to leave. I never understand why she gets so upset and usually make it worse, due to my lack of understanding, as well as even when I do understand how she is hurt, I have events in my head that make my reasons make sense and therefor that I didn't mean to hurt her, so she shouldn't be hurt. Which again...makes things worse.

Recently, I came upon AS and it basically explained reasons for why I am the way I am. I researched it and have done all the tests and whilst I am not diagnosed and there is an element of doubt there, I'm pretty sure I have AS. My wife, however, thought I was a hypocondriac looking for excuses because i'm so selfish. She loved the way I was or am, and didn't think that I had AS, and even if i did, she didn't like that the things that made me ME to her, may have been part of a syndrome and not my own doing. She doesn't like that I'm pursuing AS so it has driven a wedge in our marriage. She is also 30 turning 31 and wants to have children, so the possibility of having autistic kids makes things even harder. She says she can't wait too much longer, but we have such big problems.
Anyways, now that I have found AS i can't just forget it or say I don't have it to make her happy, or not pursue a diagnosis (especially if our kids might have it too). This has made it so very hard and just this weekend after thinking we had reached an understanding and things were moving ahead, she said she couldn't do it. It was hell and there was lots of crying and she wanted to smash our apartment and hurt herself, but i managed to stop her.

Then yesterday we got together and went for a walk and were at a pub talking. Somehow we got onto my sexuality. I have always had problems with my sexualiity. I lost my virginity at 20 after numerous failed attempts to raise the flag pole so to speak with various girls. Sex was never what I expected it to be after the long wait to have it, and because of my mind i can't stop thinking. I can't let go.
So. In this conversation we got talking and my wife said that I always seemed disconnected or emotionally detached from the sex, to the extent that she didn't really enjoy it with me anymore, other than the fact she had needs too. She asked me if I was gay. This was a topic that had come up a few times in our marriage as I apparently exhude some homosexual tendencies. I normally really try to probe to give her the most honest answer I can. But this time, I found a lot more than I normally am looking for and found an attraction to men, but in an un-conventional way.
Upon further talking I came to the conclusion that I was Gay. Things made sense and my wife was happy as things made sense for her too.
We went home, and she told her mum and my mum and sister came over and I came out to them. But something seemed weird about it all. Like I don't doubt that there is some attraction to men there (though i haven't actually been with another man), but it felt weird like my mind was telling me I wasn't gay. But things went well, until later on when the realisation that our marriage was officially over hit my wife.
I felt terrible, i felt it was all my fault and i wished things were different. It just got worse and worse and she started to hit herself and try and break our stuff as it "didn't mean anything anymore" but I manager to stop her.
However, when we were going to sleep she started pplaying with herself and then we ended up having really passionate sex that we had never had before. However it ended when she couldn't be aroused about fantasising about a common friend of ours, then she demanded to go to a brothel or to go to the streets and whore herself off. It was around 2 in the morning at this stage. So we finished sex and I said maybe i'm not gay, maybe i'm BI. But i really don't know anymore.

We slept together and then today it was more crying and more me trying to rationalise things only to realise what a hole i was in anyway and that my marriage was now breaking down and i couldn't help it, even if i wanted to. I couldn't deny the now realised attraction as well as the problem with AS. But I still love her so much and she still turns me on. This is killing her and its only my ignorance and lack of emotional memory that is getting me through at the moment. I'm so confused that maybe the AS is causing me to question myself so much and to be truthful I really am questioning EVERYTHING when it might not be it. But she did put it well when she repeated what I had said about some guys I found attractive and parts of men i found attractive and that if i didn't find these attractive I wouldn't be Gay but I do, so there's nothing that can be done.

But i'm so, so, freaking confused as to what to do. I want to save my marriage, but I also know that its selfish, and probably not the best thing. But at the same time, I love my wife and I don't want to hurt her.

Please, any help, even jokes, or any kind of contemplation...anything would help me so much.

Thankyou guys and gals, so much!



sands
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25 Feb 2008, 1:26 am

I feel for you. If it was me I would be looking at getting a diagnoses for Aspergers. It sounds like your wife has issues of her own to deal with too. Just because you find males attractive or their parts attractive doesn't make you gay. I would say that most people find members of their own sex somewhat attactive. I know there's lots of women I think are beautiful, but I have no sexual attraction for them. Aspergers does complicate a person's sexuality somewhat. You said yourself that you had a hard time getting your mind to rest during sex. Maybe your wife is afraid of a diagnoses of Aspergers because she doesn't know anything about it. If you went into therapy together and found information that would benefit you both it might help. I can assure you that there is many people on this site that will help you if you just give them a chance. Aspergers is not the end of the world, but only the beginning of a new experience!


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MysteryFan3
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25 Feb 2008, 1:39 am

Let's assume you do have Asperger's syndrome.

You need to get a diagnosis for your own peace of mind. Also, I recommend "The Complete Guide To Asperger's Syndrome" by Tony Attwood if you do have AS.

If she wants to hit herself and smash stuff over this, she needs professional counseling for anger issues. Something is really wrong there. Also, the wanting to have sex with someone on the street sounds like an angry action.

You don't sound gay to me because she turns you on and you had passionate sex. But that could be my ignorance. Straight aspie males are sometimes mistaken for gay by people close to them because the nonverbal cues are misread.

If she wants to keep you and make the marriage work, get a marriage counselor who has experience working with clients who have Asperger's syndrome. It is not selfish to want to make the marriage work.

Lack of understanding is a common problem. She's not getting your emotional signals because you're not sending what she's familiar with. We express emotions differently than non-autistics, so they sometimes just don't get the message. You're not reading her emotional signals, either. She will have to tell you exactly, in no uncertain terms, what she wants you to know verbally instead of communicating half of her message via facial and body expressions. She will also need to take what you say at face value without looking for the facial and body expressions to augment the words.

You will not see things from her point of view without a LOT of work. Your brains are wired up differently. She won't see things from your point of view without a LOT of work, either. Same thing.

As far as forgetting things, get a notebook for your shirt pocket and make it a habit to write things down and check it often. It takes time to make this habit, so be patient.

I hope this is useful.


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roguetech
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25 Feb 2008, 9:20 am

I agree with the above posts. I got a lot of blame in my marriage because I didn't like to go out or didn't talk enough, but I realized after awhile that she had equal responsibility. It's not you singuliar in a relationship. I'm not as keen on the whole "get diagnosed" thing as the above MysteryFan3. You are who you are whether diagnosed or not. If you match most of the traits, then it's enough to get you started on understanding yourself. I have yet to hear a good reason to get a formal Dx, unless you need some sort of assistance, but I have heard reasons not to. However, one good thing about being Dx'd, is then you could push her to get a Dx on her issues as well. Maybe she doesn't have a syndrom, but throwing things and hurting oneself at age 30 ain't normal either.

I'm of the same mind on the whole gay thing. I don't see how it plays in. I mean, while I was married, I was attracted to people outside the marriage.... Does it matter whether they were men, women, or goats? The important thing is if you find your wife attractive, which you say you do. So the problem isn't attraction, it's inhibitions of some type in bed (another thing common with AS and/or ADD, since we're mental :P).

My suggestion is to make an extreme effort not to "fight" with the wife. If your discussions start to get heated, tell her that you (plural) need to calm down, and if necessary leave the house (although that may not work for you if she's liable to hurt herself). Just make sure you explain that you aren't abandoning the issue at hand.

Go to a couples therapist. Find a good one, not some minister at your church or whatever, but a pro. Find one who has experience with Asperger's. Even if you don't "have it", a therapist with experience in AS is more likely to be a pro, and/or know how to deal with your (plural) issues. Also a good therapist would problably want to see you and her alone for (maybe informal) diagnosis.

Mind you, all this comes from my personal experience... All of it might be complete rubbish, except seeing a good marriage therapist.



JennaJ
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29 Dec 2008, 9:39 pm

I know this is an old thread, but my issue/question seems to fall in lines with these posts. Hopefully someone will still see this.

This might be long, i thank you to whomever bears with me.

I am now dating a guy whom i believe has AS. He has not been officially diagnosed, however, from what he has told me and the fact that psychology is my thing i am pretty certain he is an aspie.

We have dated nine months. He is a sweetheart. Sweetest guy i have ever dated. We are both 41. I am divorced, he has never been married. In fact he has had some relationships in his life that never panned out. In every case the woman ended up basically using his kindness and dumping him. I think i can see why they left, i admit in the beginning i kept thinking this just isn't going to work out. This is before i realized that AS might be the cause for the social ineptness. You see i am very outgoing, very socially in tune. He is not. He is outgoing, but he misses social cues and in very social settings when we went out it was so awkward. he can't read the signs that people give off, and basically he would embarrass himself a bit. It put me off in the beginning. But as i dated him more, i began to realize how utterly sweet and honest he was, and he had what i wanted in a man - dependabilty, loyalty, kindness....i felt i can overlook the other things that were plaguing me.

The signs that lead me to believe he has AS is he told me that when he was a child he was very sad. His mother took him to a psychologist. He said they mentioned he might be high functioning autistic. Back then I doubt much was known about AS. he also mentioned being bullied a great deal in his youth all the way up into his 20s. This in itself doesn't suggest AS, it is all of the other things i have witnessed as well. The clumsiness. At 41 he is the most clumsy person i have ever met. Where most adults catch themselves when they fall, he seems to just go straight down in a very ungraceful fashion. He obsesses with things he likes. Definitely has the OCD factor. For instance he likes to work out and this is something that without fail he will do. He doesn't let anything slide if it is important to him. that is a quality i admire. In his job, he has been so loyal and dependable. He makes a decent living but i attribute that to the fact that he has been there so many years and his current job is several steps up from where he started but it is still rather mundane and repetitive work. But he loves the work and never misses a day. Once in ten years he called in sick. He has his gripes like most people but he never misses. his verbal skills are great. he has a bachelor's degree. He had good grades becuase he was a very tenacious kid. He still is. But he lacks any type of social grace. I admit, social gatherings cause me angst because i know he can't handle himself very well. He does ok, but he doesn't pick up on cues.

He is adorable tho. Very fit. I am finding myself falling in love with him. I have read that Aspie's can do well wtih partners who are on the other extreme that they are. I feel that is me. I am highly empathetic, in tune and extremely socially adept. What he can't always convey to me i know what he is trying to say. I read him well. I dont think his past g/f's knew what to do wtih him or how to handle him because it is an undertaking. but his positive qualities surpass any negative. His whole life seems to surround on making others happy. I have never met anyone who wants to do more for his friends or others. He can't let go of friends tho. he often lives in the past and everyone he ever knew stays in his rolodex and he is VERY VERY hurt if a friend tries to move on. I have tried to explain to him tihs is ok. the natural flow of friendship is such that life can take us in different directions and it isn't an insult to him of they move on. he cannot grasp this no matter how hard i try to explain it.

If you are still hanging with me, here is my dilemma. When i first met him and the first few times we went out, i thought maybe he was gay. He has a lot of effiminate qualities. He is masculine, but at the same time there wree cues. And i am very in tune with people and some of these things didn't set well. I even asked him if he were bi. He was taken aback and said NO why do you ask? I have never been asked such a thing! I told him why and mentioned some of the reasons i said this. A lot of his guy friends seem to be gay, he doesn't seem to notice and was a bit surprised when i said "but a lot of your friensd are gay", you obsessively work out at the Y, you are extremely fashionable, you pay more attention to hair product than i do, you get pedicures, you cry when a sad song comes on, you cry if i hurt your feelings, etc etc. He said ' a guy can possess feminine qualities without being gay". Of course, he was right. I know this. I am not a homophobe, i have many gay and lesbian friends and I KNOW he is right. But i am not dating them. If it were not for this one concern, i'd have to say our relationship was near perfect (i can overlook the clumsiness, and social ineptitude)./ But if he is gay, i can't live in denial.

So i began reading more on AS> I have read that sometimes male aspies can be lableled gay because some of the attributes they possess can be misleading to the onlooker. I cannot say that sexually there are issues. He is a very passionate lover and his desire for me just can't be feigned. It has to be real because he is so enthusiastic as a lover.

So this leads me to my raeson for posting. I need help from people who know this better than I. Is there a good chance he isn't gay and i am misreading some of these things and they are actually attributed to AS? He doesn't look feminine> he is very manly, VERY handsome and extremely well built (as i stated he works out a lot). But then again, many gay guys are like this too. It is just the meticulous attention to his looks, the pedicures, the obsessive house cleaning, the many gay friends, and other inuendos he has said that leave me wondering. I think i am falling in love with this man and he has mentioned in passing one day our moving in together. I can see all of this happening because he is so domestic and loves homelife. I have never seen a man more dependable, loving and attentive. But i am afraid. I don't want to be with someone in denial if he is gay.

Does anyting I have written sound like the AS might be clouding what i am seeing and that maybe these are signs of AS and not that he is gay? When i ask him he tells me absolutely not and he never fails to lavish me with love. But i do believe when we are around gay men they pick up that he is gay. We were out one night and a gay waiter i know, who didn't realize we were dating, was flirting with him HEAVILY! I have never been out with a man in my life where a gay man flirted so obviously right with me at the dinner table with him. Surely he knew we were on a date? It didn't deter him at all> I was so embarrassed. he even asked me later that night "didn't what that waiter said bother you" and i said yes, it did. But i couldn't read why he asked me that way. I couldn't tell if he liked it, or was bothered or embarrassed by it and usually i read people so well!! !! !! !!


HELP!! !! !! !! !! !! !!



JennaJ
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29 Dec 2008, 9:50 pm

I would like to add that to this day i should have told that waiter to stop being so disrespectful> I think back to that night and it was downright rude. If it had been a female watiress acting that way i know i am assertive, i would have said something. But becuase it was a guy i felt a bit odd saying anything. But i admit that night disturbed me. I have always heard that gay guys can pick up the gay vibe out of other gay guys and i honestly felt that the waiter acted that way because he thought my b/f was 'family'.

If he felt that way, other gay guys who hang with him might feel the same. I have so many gay friends so the fact that he has gay friends isn't the problem. It is the fact that MAYBE he is gay!

Or Bi. If he were bi and openly admitted it, i could handle this better. But he denies any attraction to men despite many cues i am picking up on.

I feel so lost. In so many ways he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I can overlook the clumsiness, the social ineptness, the obsession with cleaning and the gym. But i cannot overlook it if he is in fact gay. But he seems to adore me so much. I never have seen his eyes wandering - to a male or female. In fact, if we didn't have such great sex i would say in every other way he is asexual. He states we live in a world way too preoccupied with sex, and he is not a fan of porn altho we watched a movie together once, but he was a bit shy about it, no problems there i didn't expect him to be macho about it. but he is a real conundrum. On the one hand our sexual life is very energized but on the other, in the real world, he doesn't let sex sway him. A woman with a revealing outfit doesn't seem to turn his head like it did my ex's, but then again men don't turn his head either. he truly seems so old fashioned about sex and maybe i have been with so many pigs in my life that what i should admire i am bieng paranoid about.

And he seems so honest. Never have i met somoene who seems to just speak what his thoughts are, even when sometimes it might not be what i want to hear.

A couple other things to note...he told me that in his teen years he did have crushes, but he mentioned something about how the other boys used to peek in the hole to peer in the girls locker room .. i asked him if he did. He said "no". he said at 15 he didn't have those urges yet. He didn't fully understand sexual stimulation. I felt that odd and that is also why i felt maybe he is gay, because teenage boys are normally full of testerone. yet he didnt have a desire to peek. He mentioned that he didn't fully want a sexual relationshiop wtih a woman until his 20s. I found that very odd, but maybe that is a symptom of AS?
he is also extremely sensitive to touch. When i touch him lightly all over, he seems to just go into emotion overload. he loves it, thus i love doing it, but i have never seen a man so responsive to my touch and i have read that some people with AS are more responsive to touch than others. He also is as interested in touching me. i don't mean just sexual, just all over touch. it is amazing how it feels, but i've never known anyone so in tune with touching or being touched. It is almost tantric.

As you can see, i am really looking for some advice. I appreciate all who respond.



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29 Dec 2008, 11:11 pm

I am a little different than that, I am not at all attracted to men, however, I am curious about it. I do have some feminine qulaities, but I hide them as much as possible out of fear of disproval. If you watch me, you might see my socially awkwardness show itself off in a form that looks almost like attraction towards the person I am talking to. If you really want to find out if he does have some attraction to men, he will not openly tell you because it is awkward to say something like that regardless of who to. The best way to go about that would be to say: "If you are attracted to men in any way, I'd like to know. To let me know, leave a note in such and such a location or leave me an email in the next month or so. If I don't get an email/note, it means you have no attraction to men, and are completely straight." And let him know it won't affect what you think of him either way, as, unless he feels comfortable with it, you will never truly find out. Odds are he's probably a little feminine, but straight, and I doubt hes is asexual, although that is still a possibilty. Also, if he may just be asexual and looking for a companion, and a gf would fill that need for companionship. Even if he is not asexual, he still might just want a companion and would feel more comfortable with a gf as a companion. These are just my opnions, and may or may not be true.



JennaJ
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29 Dec 2008, 11:20 pm

Padium wrote:
I am a little different than that, I am not at all attracted to men, however, I am curious about it. I do have some feminine qulaities, but I hide them as much as possible out of fear of disproval. If you watch me, you might see my socially awkwardness show itself off in a form that looks almost like attraction towards the person I am talking to. If you really want to find out if he does have some attraction to men, he will not openly tell you because it is awkward to say something like that regardless of who to. The best way to go about that would be to say: "If you are attracted to men in any way, I'd like to know. To let me know, leave a note in such and such a location or leave me an email in the next month or so. If I don't get an email/note, it means you have no attraction to men, and are completely straight." And let him know it won't affect what you think of him either way, as, unless he feels comfortable with it, you will never truly find out. Odds are he's probably a little feminine, but straight, and I doubt hes is asexual, although that is still a possibilty. Also, if he may just be asexual and looking for a companion, and a gf would fill that need for companionship. Even if he is not asexual, he still might just want a companion and would feel more comfortable with a gf as a companion. These are just my opnions, and may or may not be true.


Actually waht you stated does sound like him. I think he also tries to hide his feminine qualities for fear of disproval...he has even stated that to me. I also think he is curious about men perhaps sexually but not enough to actually be attracted to them. I say this because i am pretty good about asking questions and making him feel comfortable answering. ONce when we talked about this he said he was intrigued with homosexuals but not in the sense he was gay, just in the sense that he studied psychology in school and the whole dynamic of it was interesting. that actually rattled me because it seems if one is intrigued by it, there might be more at play. but then again, is he painfully honest or does he not know how to answer these questions without showing his true persuasion. I just don't know.

i dont think he is asexual because sexually with me, he can be explosive. I am more sexually adventurous than he, but he relishes in letting me take the lead. So it doesn't seem he is only looking for a companion.

If you watch me, you might see my socially awkwardness show itself off in a form that looks almost like attraction towards the person I am talking to.


I find the above quote very interesting. that is how he is when he talks to people. it seems that it can be misinterpreted as attraction...i feel i am misinterpreting this because it is the same for men, and women, of all ages.

thanks for your post!



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29 Dec 2008, 11:37 pm

Yeah, I've gotten the 'gay' thing from time to time. I think the passivity around people, instead of pushing people, even if they don't push back (emotionally and socially) is part of it. I've never really had any interest in hitting for my team, other than appreciating the wit that some of them have. But attraction...nah..

I think counseling is definitely in order. Much of sex is mental, and if you psyche yourself not to appreciate it, you won't appreciate it. Maybe some honest talk, if you both can do it. You trusted her enough to marry her, so trust her now. Sounds like you could still salvage it if you want to. I think you do, from what you write. So see if you can talk to a counselor as soon as possible. There'll be some painful things to work through, but you can do it.