Spineless in Seattle

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So, in the 45 minutes or so I've been browsing this particular subsection of this particular forum, the prevalent argument appears to be this.

"The way to a girl's heart is to be true to yourself, and compromise everything with her, forming a loving relationship based on trust where you respect and care for her."

As opposed to:

"Women like playing games, so play them back. Exuding confidence and being assertive is the way to prove you're worthy to her."

Both of these approaches seem to be about Proving yourself. One goes to the "look at my superior genes, I'm strong and independent, I'm a good potential mate, our child will be confident" side of it, and the other is "look at my superior Genes, I appreciate emotion, I'm a good potential mate, our child will be happy".

The problem with argument one (the sappy romantic argument): You're giving her too much control, you're giving her your whole being.

If she's submissive, she won't know what to do with the power, the relationship will stagnate, you'll both be terrified to leave one another, and you'll wake up in suburbia one day, your children will be out of control, and you'll wish you had gone backpacking in Europe. (worst case scenario, not literal interpretation, likely it'll just stagnate and you'll drift into friendship that's awkward because you both remember/want something more but neither of you will make the first move.)

If she's Dominant She'll play with you, but once she realize you'll do whatever she says, she'll start getting bored with the relationship, Decide it's easier to milk you for all your funds, take out a life insurance policy on you, and leave you for dead in a motel bathtub missing a kidney. (Again, Exaggeration, Likely she will just leave you for a more confident guy, probably your friend.)

The problem with Argument two (The "being something you're not" argument): You're going to question EVERY Aspect of the relationship, and constantly feel guilty about everything until she starts to suspect you're cheating on her.

So. your choices kinda suck.

What do you do?

You compromise.

BOTH sides present good points, but you guys (the pricks who stick to your principles about how YOU think you need to catch a girl that will love you forever and ever because you're sweet to her and care) Need to learn that that much attention kinda makes girls feel like they're NOT good enough for you, or makes them view you as a doormat. NEITHER of which are desirable. From an abstract point of view, would you want something constantly clinging to you, telling you you're perfect, and treating you like you're made of glass? (After a few days of that constant NEED for interaction, they will get annoyed (Annoyance leads to frustration, Frustration leads to Hatred, and Hatred, to the dark side leads.), but they'll love it at first, especially after dating a jerk.) They WILL Leave, and YOU will mope. You'll drive away whatever friends you have because "She was PERFECT! *sob sob sob*". In fact, the longer the gap between when you dated her, and the present? You'll forget more of her flaws and remember more of her good qualities.

It's like selective idiocy.

You guys though... (the other pricks, the ones who go on and on about rules for games to be played, and rules to follow) You're just as bad. It's human interaction. We Aspies may suck at it, but it's because we tend to ramble, Over-analyze EVERYTHING and suck at social cues. Comparing over analysis will kinda hurt us more if we're the types to become paralyzed by doubt. (Oh man, NaRKotic99 said to do this, but doGMan212 said to do the opposite! I'm on the horns of a dilemma.... oh wait, she got on the bus... oh well, back to the coal mine.)

My advice?
Be confident in yourself.
Don't project self-confidence, or any of that crap.

Seriously. You must be good at one thing, even if it's embarrassing, silly, or has no real world applications.
You know you can do it.
Can that other guy do it?
Maybe.
Do you think you can do it better than him?
Find something you think you can do better.

Congratulations, you have self confidence.
Get out your Legos or K'nex and build from there. (If you only own Duplo blocks, there's no helping you)

So, you've got yourself some confidence.
Build yourself a shell for it. Make it out of something strong and hard, like apathy, Hard facts, or cynicism. Love is a bad choice, it's very easily distorted and crushed.
Apathy shell: Don't give a damn if someone shoots you down. Try again, get back on that horse, cliche'd metaphor, keep on truckin', etc. etc. ad infinitum.
Hard facts Shell: Know you're good at it. Have NO doubt. You Doubt and you die. If someone proves better, that doesn't make you any worse at it. It just means they're better.
Cynicism shell: She doesn't like me? The poor thing, must be something wrong with her. Oh well, her friend seems interested! This one is based on belittling others (INTERNAL MONOLOGUE IS IMPORTANT, don't say these things out loud, you could hurt feelings and end up hating yourself at some point for it, eventually drinking yourself into a cold and lonely death.) so their opinion just slides off you.

Now you've got confidence that's difficult to shake.
Excellent. (*air guitar solo* Wyld Stallion!)

Go forth and approach females.
Remember to Do unto others.
Pay the amount of attention to them that you expect to receive when you're talking about something that interests you. Why would they be talking to you about something that doesn't interest them after all? If you're finding it hard to focus, it's because your interests diverge. That's a sign that maybe it wasn't meant to be. Go find another one. Do NOT cling to the relationship LONG after you've lost interest in what she has to say. (Also, don't leave her just because you had one boring conversation with her.) If your interests frequently diverge ( and they aren't things you can both share and enjoy, Example: she's really into 20's films and it turns out you like them too after watching a few with her.)
Make an effort, but don't strain yourself.

Making an effort:
Male: so what kind of movies do you like?
Female: Silent films from the 20's
Male: I've never seen any, maybe you could bring a few over and we could watch them together?

Straining yourself:
Male: so, what kind of movies do you like?
Female: Silent films from the 20's
Male: Cool. (makes mental note to download many older films and look up obscure trivia about them to use at a later date.)
*awkward pause*


Yeah. Don't try and cover up lack of knowledge with obscure trivia either. We all pick up a bunch of it. We all regurgitate it whenever we get the chance. That's cool, but never pretend you're excessively knowledgeable about it. Just openly state you only know the little bits. It will help you build mutual interests, which are healthy, and it keeps a relationship going.

Try things together.
Going to a steampunk festival? Invite her along... even if you just met.
If it's something you love, and it's strange, don't hide it. There's two ways it can end.
One, you kill the interest, leading to an unhappy you.
Two, you pursue the interest secretly, she finds out (and she will) she asks why you kept something from her, leading to an unhappy you and an unhappy her.

I guess it's like this.

If you don't share interests, don't compensate with flattery, gifts, and pointless romanticism.
Find someone who does.
I know it may be scary to leave the familiar.
But it can also be wonderful.