Requesting Emergency Help: Dating a girl with BPD...

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I've read and understand that Aspie-BPD relationships can be quite toxic. I've been through that, with a girl who was diagnosed. The problem here, is the girl is undiagnosed, and I didn't discover she had BPD until I was staying the night with her. She had never heard of it until I brought it up, but the symptoms fit extraordinarily well.

The thing is, I'm not going to break things off. I want to try and make things work, so I'm looking for any positive advice that can help me here. Had I known she was BPD before I started dating her, it might be different, but right now, I care about her too much. I just want any positive semblance of advice, that could help me here.

We've already got plans to start up couple's therapy once school starts back up, to do what we can to avoid the toxicity that's plagued other people's relationships. I just need help here. Can you identify anything in specific that nerfed your relationship with a BPD, on either side? Any specific situations to avoid?

Note: For those who don't know what BPD is, it's borderline personality disorder, not bipolar. Bipolar is a different condition entirely.
Second Note: Our symptoms are mild on both sides. This isn't severe stereotypical issues, just mild problems that wouldn't have too much trouble passing diagnosis.

Last edited by CerebralDreamer on 24 Dec 2008, 12:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

I had a relationship with a guy who had a pretty severe, obvious case of BPD (I'm assuming you mean Borderline Personality Disorder). We got along well before the relationship, when we were friends, but after we had been bf & gf for a while, the drama began . . .

However, I do think an AS - BPD relationship could work. These suggestions are based on my own experience.

- People with BPD tend to want a lot of time together and a lot of attention, whereas people with AS tend to be the opposite. This is an area in which you might work out a way to compromise, set boundaries, etc.

- People with PBD often crave constant change and excitement whereas people with AS crave routine and familiarity. Again, there could be a way to work around this. Simply acknowledging it could help.

- People with BPD tend to get a kind of high off of intense emotions of all kinds, whereas people with AS are generally somewhat adverse to strong emotions or have trouble understanding them. Another area to focus on. Maybe you could turn it into a good thing - maybe the person with BPD could help the person with AS to understand emotions better, and the person with AS could help the BPD person learn how to stay calm and rational.

- Both people with AS and people with BPD have something beautifully child-like about them, whether it is expressed similarly or differently. This is something unique that you can share.

Just some thoughts, right off the top of my head. It's good you two are seeking counseling because it shows that you are taking this stuff seriously and making an effort to deal with it. I hope you get a good counselor. And that things work out for the best.

I'm assuming that you mean Bipolar Personality Disorder.

1. Identify anything that ruined your relationship with a BPD-afflicted person.

Jealousy, pride, and solipsism on her part.
Independent, literal, and reasoned thinking on my part.
Both of us had fathers that had betrayed us in some way.

2. Identify any specific situations to avoid.

Having friends, hobbies, or interests other than those shared with the BPD-afflicted girlfriend.
Saying something nice to or about someone other than the BPD-afflicted girlfriend.
Uttering explicitely degrading, demeaning, or insulting statements, or any other statement that could be interpreted as such.

With all that said, the best part of that particular relationship for me occurred when it was finally and irretrievably over. The only regret I have is ever getting involved with a BPD-afflicted girlfriend in the first place.

As long as you know her, you will be tap-dancing in an emotional mine field where the triggers to the explosions change without warning, as do the type and intensity of the damage they inflict upon you. Something you said months previously and passed off as a mere trifle will suddenly and without warning erupt into a global conflagration that will eventually consume every scrap of your patience and tolerance. Some woman that she sees on TV that she thinks you could be attracted to will trigger a jealous rage that leaves you feeling eviscerated forever afterward. A polite "No, thank you" from you to an extra slice of dessert will be viewed by her as a total rejection of everything she ever stood for or believed in, and she will see life itself as meaningless and void. She will use threats of suicide to blackmail you into capitulation. She will look for the hidden sinister meaning in your every word and action. To her, there will be no such thing as a coincidence, only another piece of evidence to use as proof that deep down inside, you really, really hate her. No misunderstanding is too trivial to escalate into a nuclear conflict, and each conflict will slowly and irrevocably erode the very foundations of your relationship.

But if you're okay with your condition, she's okay with hers, you're both okay with each other's, and you work together to build the realtionship, you may have a chance.

Good luck.


(PS: Her name was "Diana".)

I am diagnosed with AS, but going by this, I appear to have the traits of BPD. Is it possible that I may have been misdiagnosed?

Fnord
Not sure where you got your information, but it's Borderline Personality Disorder. Plus, neither of us are to the extreme you're describing. I'm not this cold emotionless super-logical robot, that cannot understand human emotion. She is not some ticking time bomb. We're both at least somewhat balanced. Definitely not the stereotypical extreme you're describing.

Tim_Tex
I think it's possible to be diagnosed with both. I'm sure AS could set up a larger vulnerability to BPD.

If you want more information, check the National Institute of Mental Health publication on BPD.

From my experience with someone with BPD, what Fnord said was spot on.

It depends on severity. Not everyone is to a huge extreme on that issue, as with AS. Some people with AS cannot live independently. Others go on to be very great successful people.

Sure, you could have been misdiagnosed, or you could have both. Who knows. If you want to know, go see a doctor or two who is/are well-respected in the field.

I can PM you with contact info for the one who diagnosed me - she's not that far from you, she's very easy to talk to, and she knows her stuff.

Tim, check your inbox.

I dated someone bipolar for years. It was a big mistake, but mainly for me and the specific person I was with. Your mileage may vary.

She was 'she who must be appeased', and 'the travel agent for guilt trips'. She was also waaay smarter than I was. A deadly combination.

It depends on the severity and frequency of the symptoms, I suppose.

Again, this is borderline personality disorder, not bipolar. My grandmother had Bipolar disorder, which is FAR from what I'm talking about here. Borderline Personality Disorder is defined as a maladaptive trait disorder.

I think he was portraying BPD in the best possible light, definitely not clinically meaningful statements! Don't worry, there is not a lot that is similar, esp. for male AS.

In my opinion, female AS who are emotionally distressed with meltdowns and social anxiety get misdiagnosed with BPD in the way that male AS can get misdiagnosed as sociopathic for wanting to be alone and other maladaptive socialization issues.

There are past threads where this misdiagnosis is mentioned as a primarily female AS one.

If you can remain relatively unperturbed through all kinds of wackiness, rage attacks, attempts to induce jealousy, viciousness, etc. without losing your mind, you may be okay with someone with borderline personality disorder.

First of all, you had not added the definition of BPD to your post by the time I posted my story. Second ... well, now that you've added the definition, it pretty much renders my entire post null and void to this thread.

I will say this: 30 years ago, I was a cold, emotionless, super-logical "robot," and she really was a ticking time bomb with a random-duration timer. Together, we defined the stereotypes.

And I still can't quite understand human emotion ...

I'm sure that you'll work things out. Just let her be clingy and hope that she does not translate your seeming aloofness as rejection.

For those curious about Borderline Personality Disorder:

http://www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/dsmiv.htm

The above link provides more information from the DSM-IV about BPD. The description covers differential diagnosis (other disorders that it may be confused with).

Hold up a minute. I just want to point out that some people seem to think lots of women are BPD. This is just not the case. Real BPD is very serious, often debilitating, and very noticeable. Lots and lots of women are emotionally volatile. Hell, almost every women I've known fits the criteria to some extent. It's the feeling of emptiness and sudden extreme mood changes that leave everything in tatters that really defines it.

I had to go through learning about BPD when my ex's mother decided to diagnose me on a whim. She then sent him books to help "deal with me". As it was, I was pretty typically woman, with a lot of issues of having just lost most of my family to health problems and having not yet grieved properly. Looking back on it now, I'm positive I suffered from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and BPD has never actually fit much at all. Also, I suffer from PMDD most months, but not every single month, thankfully. You have to keep things like PMS, PMDD and other women's issues in mind with any woman you're with.

Be careful what labels you're pinning on people, it could do more damage than help. Try to get a healthy third party perspective before you advance any further.