Um...how can I ward off female followers?

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To some of you I'm sure you wouldn't say this is a problem, but I have a bit of a dilemma right now...

I can never seem to go a day without some girl flirting with me or asking me out. Now I'm single and want to stay that way for a while so I can graduate magna cum laude from college, but I really don't want to be rude to all these ladies either. They are also constantly calling me, so much that I've intentionally left my telephone off simply because I need to get work done some nights!! !

As of now I know at least a half dozen or so who want me as a boyfriend. How do I politely turn all of them down without coming off as some self-centered workaholic?

(Nobody on my campus knows I have AS and I really don't show any tendencies unless I'm under pressure to do something or am confronted with stuff like economics I don't understand).

Just apologize for their inevitable disappointment and say that although you're flattered, you'd really like to focus on school at the moment.

If they don't accept that, you'd have to ask yourself, "Is this person really somebody I want to have a relationship with??"

Sounds like narcissism to me

Sounds like you're doing the right things. Being known as a "workaholic" isn't necessarily the worst reputation to have... compared to other labels you might want to tag yourself with in order to put girls off. But if you have a concern the label could evolve into "self centered" and maybe even a cold workaholic, that would be a little depressing

Maybe you're worried there will be more persistent people and then you will have some kind of meltdown (yours or someone else's)? Like if someone keeps pushing you the issue will come to a head or you will get a reputation for being cold and self-centered?

I had guys after me all the time, stalked on campus, etc. I had a professor become romantically obsessed with me and another professor's girlfriend become fixated and jealous of me, and she turned out to be -- surprise! -- a Machiavellian sociopath (which was kind of why she was having affairs with married professors in the first place).

Part of my problem, I can see now, is that I couldn't set and enforce boundaries. So while most people who were after me were fine (and I was dating guys on the track team, so it wasn't as if I needed to be secluded anyways), I still had no effective scheme to enforce my boundaries, and no control over that one or two who gradually got out of control and became nightmare problems for me.

I didn't have the social skills to set boundaries and as a college student you have no power. Most schools, if you look under the surface, never ever act on sexual harassment or student abuse complaints, and the fastest way to derail your academic career is to try to file one. So you really don't have the option of getting help enforcing boundaries, if a problem arises.

The problem isn't so bad when you have fairly normal college students following you and liking you... they are sweet and generally kind and mostly mentally healthy (and even if they are not, there's not a lot that they tend to do). The problem is that there are many, many people of diverse backgrounds in college, and while most of them are good, some strange people are attracted to the environment. The rate of sociopathy in the general population is around 1 in 23 people. The rate of sociopathy in academic environments (including professors) is about 1 in 18. So out of every 100 people you see walking around on campus, more than 5 are sociopaths (with more of them, statistically, distributed among the faculty and staff) You don't want to have one of these latch onto you when you have trouble setting boundaries and are subject to having meltdowns, being disrupted and vulnerable to Machiavellians' bullying.

So my advice to you is that if you are AS, in college and are attractive and well-liked enough that people are following you around, be careful of those 1 in 18 who have the skills and usually the schemes to latch onto you and derail your college career. Those people are looking for targets who have trouble setting boundaries and handling social complexity.

So while I say that it seems that you are doing the right things to handle the normal college types that are following you, I don't want to make it sound like you don't have to develop rules that work for cutting people off and that you should make those rules in advance. Being able to protect your time, your study resources and relationships and enforce your boundaries are key skills to getting through college if you are one of those magnetically attractive AS when you are in an academic environment (some of us are).

And like the above person's post shows, you will get little sympathy if you try to complain -- even if the person harassing you is causing you to fail an exam or stalking you at home. People will be jealous, not sympathetic. When you are a target due to people being attractive to you, AS people who can't deal with the harassment, for some reason come off as the bad guy (girl).

Edited to explain the following statement more: "When you are a target due to people being attractive to you, AS people who can't deal with the harassment, for some reason come off as the bad guy" This is because people don't understand the effect of harassment and codependent abuse on AS state of mind. They think you're joking and the stalker will deny the worst of the stuff they do, because real codependents know how to posture for sympathy and put your AS on trial, if you try to bring in the authorities.

Do not look, do not talk, and do not respond. Just walk away immediately...

I have had a few relationships but with what I see now as unsuitable women. Those with learning difficulties (an IQ below 70) are the type that find me attractive so are those living with parents who would think that I am the biggest shithouse ever if I ever met them. Women who I now see areound me would not be seen dead going out with an Asperger syndrome person and/or they have baggage (that means other men's children). Either way I do get pissed off with being attractive only to women with learning difficulties and no one else. About 20 years ago I did have a relationship with a womoan who has Asperger syndrome. If a woman did want me and she already had a few kids I wouldn't bother as I will not take on another man's kids. So that is a big one there

just tell any girl who's askin you... that you'll pencil her in amongst your dozens of other dates... and that will deter most from comin back. those that do come back... well, i'm sure you know what you can do with them.

Let's switch brains


Tell them that you are taken or gay...or just be thankful for what you are and stop complaining about this.

It sounds like you're full of it.

Throw fireballs at them.

Just tell them the truth.

Explain that you have too many academic responsibilities to dedicate enough time to a relationship. You could say, "When I go out with a girl, I like to take the time to get to know her, spend time doing things together, be there for her whenever she needs me to. With my current academic schedule, I simply can't do that right now."

If there are any who spark your interest, add, "Let's keep in touch and see what happens after we graduate, but right now, I really need some time alone to focus on my course work."

This will make you seem like a nice (even more attractive) guy who is responsible and realistic.

If any continue to persistently pursue you after you have deliberately told them you need your space right now, then by all means, turn off the phone or use caller ID. A little continued pursuit after rejection is normal for a person in an infatuated state of mind, but if it's persistent or drastic, it's an indication that the girl has problems of her own that she should be dealing with instead of chasing you.