Divorce

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I am seriously considering divorce. I'd like to hear from any of you that have gone through it - is it really difficult? I mean financially and paperwork ect. Emotionally too, I guess.

Been there done that. Yes it was hard but it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

I divorced my ex after a 9 year relationship. Everybody here doesn't need all the details, but feel free to pm me if you have questions or just want someone to talk to about it.

As for what you asked here, well it varies by situation, state, and just about everything else you can think of, so it's hard to answer.
Difficult: Depends on how you do it. A mutal divorce goes pretty smoothly, if you have him served and they have trouble catching him, a bit harder.
Financially: Also varies. It can be quite cheap, or if there's a lot of fighting and lawyers, it can get very expensive.
Paperwork: You can do it yourself (they make forms) or you can have a lawyer do it for you.
Emotionally: Yes, it's not easy, no matter how good your reasons.

It depends on the jurisdiction. I've done it once (and suspect I'm heading for #2).

Some states (in the US, at least) have something called 'no fault' divorce. This means that alimony isn't awarded. Child support is always assessed on someone, depending on who gets custody.
Grounds include infidelity, irreconcilable differences (what I'm looking at), and (very unlikely) non-consumation.

A lawyer is a good idea. I got once, and it ran me about a thousand overall (important note - every time you call the lawyer, or communicate with her (or him), you get charged on your bill

Mithra, please check your Inbox.

I have been divorced three times. being a male it is expensive. I didn't find it painful as my ex's are still friends with me just found me to boring to live with. If you're breaking up for some deeply emotional reason I think it would be pretty painful and hard to get over. Can't be much more help as I have little empathy.

Depends on the state. In Texas, if everyone is agreeable, you fill out the forms and pay the fees, around $250 when you file. Then the two of you show up in court after 30 days and swear you really want to do it. About 20 pages of legal papers to wade through. Really no big deal even if children are involved. However, if one or the other has a problem with the process, it can be a lot more complicated and expensive.

Emotionally? That depends on the two of you and the reasons for the divorce. If it has been Sturm und Drang throughout the marriage, the divorce is unlikely to be different.

Not something I would be prepared to condone except in extreme circumstances. Occasionally (very occasionally), there are marriages which should have ended sooner rather than later e.g. ones with extreme and constant adultery, violence, abuse, addiction etc, but most marriages fail because someone thought, "I am bored of my marriage and I just can't be bothered with it, ah well, I will divorce my husband, grab his house and assets, deprive him of his children and spend my life getting a cut of his money that I didn't earn in the form of child support". Occasionally, there are honourable people who choose not to reap the rewards of divorce: - when my step-grandmother divorced her first husband on account of his adultery, she refused all his offers of maintenance, but they are few and far between. On the other hand, my uncle's first wife ditched him in 1995 for no good reason and she has been bludging child support from him ever since.

There are very few circumstances in which I would ever entertain the idea of divorce, as I know that I will one day have to give a full account of my actions to my maker, who has specifically instructed me not to divorce. If I have some extremely compelling reason why there was no alternative but divorce, maybe he will accept that, but I know that life is very unlikely to present me with a genuinely compelling reason.

Sorry to be the dissenter and refuse to go along with the majority view here, but I feel that sometimes dissenting from the majority view is necessary.

Divorce sucks. There's no better way to say it. Even if the marriage was a disaster and you need to get out of it, emotionally it's going to be difficult. Counseling/therapy is important.

The real question for how difficult the divorce is legally, financially and operationally depends on how amicable you are with your spouse. My ex-wife and I drafted the marriage settlement ourselves and I filed pro se (without a lawyer). The lawyer was technically my wife's, but everything worked out fine. As soon as you have two lawyers involved, it's far more likely to get messy. I say this as a future lawyer...

It's always tough financially if you're supporting a household on two incomes and then shrink down to one.

It does not matter if anyone other than Mithra and her husband condones divorce or not. This is her situation, and her choice to make. All we can do is present alternatives and support her in whatever decision she makes - even if we do not agree with the decisions she makes.

Good Luck, Mithra!

For the record:

I don't condone divorce either.

That is the difference between liberalism and libertarianism and also between tolerance and acceptance. Liberalism forces people to agree with other people's life choices if that person's life choices are considered progressive in the eyes of liberals, whereas libertarianism says that people are free to make life choices and others are free to disagree with them and are also free to make their disagreement known. Acceptance means you adopt the idea that something is good, whereas tolerance means you're merely putting up with it.

Some people would choose to support someone in a decision regardless of whether or not they agreed. I am not among those people. I would not have supported Hitler's decision to pursue the Holocaust, I wouldn't have supported Usama Bin Laden's decision to go about organising the 9/11 attacks and I would not support someone's decision to divorce his/her spouse (except in truly exceptional circumstances). If I have an extreme moral problem with something someone does, I will not support them in that decision.

^ Way to jack a thread!

This thread is focused on Mithra's problems, and not on anyone else's personal philosophy on relativistic morality and ethics. Please keep it that way.


With that said ...

Sometimes, it is necessary to bring a relationship to an end, especially after all reasonable efforts have been made to save it.

Then it is interesting that you are considering it.

Yep, I completely agree with that. A couple of my acquaintances went through a relationship just like that. There was frequent fighting, adultery, suicide attempts etc. The marriage was so dysfunctional that the daughter who was still living at home at the time has stated that given the choice, she would have remained with her foster parents. This was one of the few marriages that should have ended sooner rather than later for the good of all those concerned. However, marriages as dysfunctional as this are very rare.

I don't think my postings have focused on relativistic morality and ethics. The fact that I based what I said on a source that is unchanging means that it doesn't fulfil the definition of relativism. On the contrary, I would say that I have focused very strongly on her problem.

I really am in no position of experience to comment, but if a person is in a loveless marriage, then I really think that divorce should be an option. I couldn't think of anything more miserable than being trapped and having to live with someone you don't love/dislike for the rest of your life, effectively dooming yourself to discontent and unhappiness.

Nobody should have to give up their entire existence like that.

And I also don't believe that anyone leaves a marriage for "no good reason". That makes no sense whatsoever.