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kalantir
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26 Dec 2008, 7:27 pm

I have a desire to have a relationship, but my standards are pretty high for how I look and carry myself. I mean, heres what I look for in a girl
1. She has to be at least somewhat attractive. I feel like without some level of physical attraction, that Id have trouble thinking of her as more then a friend.
2. Intelligence. Doesnt have to be a genius, I just dont want to date someone who seems stupid.
3. Common Sense. Or rather, uncommon sense as I like to call it. This is a LOT different then intelligence. People with no common sense aggravate me to no end. Of course, everyone thinks they have common sense, but unless someone is able to call me on my occasional lack of common sense, then they probably dont have enough for me to tolerate them. This is probably the biggest factor in how much I get along with someone.
4. Sense of Humour. Even if its drastically different from mine, it has to be there, otherwise conversations tend to get rather dull and boring.
5. Has to be able to put up with me. Everyone has their flaws, and they usually dont see them in theirselves. I know myself to be rather selfish sometimes and im trying to work on that, but the main thing most girls dont like about me i think is that i lack confidence, good looks, and im really nerdy(Id live on the net if i could)

So, the odds of finding a chick like this are 1 in a million... but they are out there. Ive met some, but I refuse to play stupid games just to get with them. Im 20 years old and never been in a serious relationship or had sex. Any advice?



garyww
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26 Dec 2008, 7:34 pm

Your so-called standards are pretty restrictive so I don't have a lot of appreciation for your chances of success.


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Lene
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26 Dec 2008, 7:35 pm

Scrap 'no.1'.

Sounds horrendously cliche, but looks are never all that important. It doesn't matter if initially you have no attraction whatsoever; if you really like her (even as a friend), you will begin to think she's beautiful in her own way.



garyww
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26 Dec 2008, 7:37 pm

If I were you I would lower my standards and find almost anything alive and walking and try to at least talk to her and hope for the best. Ironically this kind of 'last ditch' effort can lead into real meaningful long term relationships. There are other people out there, even NT's who are in the same boat as you are.


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NeantHumain
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26 Dec 2008, 7:51 pm

kalantir wrote:
Common Sense. Or rather, uncommon sense as I like to call it. This is a LOT different then intelligence. People with no common sense aggravate me to no end. Of course, everyone thinks they have common sense, but unless someone is able to call me on my occasional lack of common sense, then they probably dont have enough for me to tolerate them. This is probably the biggest factor in how much I get along with someone.
People with Asperger's syndrome are usually lacking in common sense since their social and emotional intuition is usually off the mark.
kalantir wrote:
5. Has to be able to put up with me. Everyone has their flaws, and they usually dont see them in theirselves. I know myself to be rather selfish sometimes and im trying to work on that, but the main thing most girls dont like about me i think is that i lack confidence, good looks, and im really nerdy(Id live on the net if i could)

Oh, "the ironing is delicious!" You demand utter perfection, yet you acknowledge you're humanly flawed.



kalantir
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26 Dec 2008, 7:51 pm

As much as id like to, I cant lower my standards. If I did that, Id have trouble thinking of whoever it was as more then a friend. As cool as friends are, most friends Ive made throughout my life have been girls. so thered be nothing seperating my friends who are girls from girlfriends, if thats making sense. cant always communicate what im thinking all that well.



ike
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26 Dec 2008, 7:52 pm

kalantir wrote:
3. Common Sense. Or rather, uncommon sense as I like to call it. This is a LOT different then intelligence. People with no common sense aggravate me to no end. Of course, everyone thinks they have common sense, but unless someone is able to call me on my occasional lack of common sense, then they probably dont have enough for me to tolerate them. This is probably the biggest factor in how much I get along with someone.


Hindsight Bias
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hindsight_bias

Having said that I read Gary's first reply before I responded, and it may have caused me to anchor: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anchoring

In general, I would avoid placing a priority on a person's looks.

Beyond that, play the "numbers game". Meet as many as you can and try and get to know them. Engage them in conversations about mutual interests.


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kalantir
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26 Dec 2008, 7:54 pm

NeantHumain wrote:
kalantir wrote:
Common Sense. Or rather, uncommon sense as I like to call it. This is a LOT different then intelligence. People with no common sense aggravate me to no end. Of course, everyone thinks they have common sense, but unless someone is able to call me on my occasional lack of common sense, then they probably dont have enough for me to tolerate them. This is probably the biggest factor in how much I get along with someone.
People with Asperger's syndrome are usually lacking in common sense since their social and emotional intuition is usually off the mark.
kalantir wrote:
5. Has to be able to put up with me. Everyone has their flaws, and they usually dont see them in theirselves. I know myself to be rather selfish sometimes and im trying to work on that, but the main thing most girls dont like about me i think is that i lack confidence, good looks, and im really nerdy(Id live on the net if i could)

Oh, "the ironing is delicious!" You demand utter perfection, yet you acknowledge you're humanly flawed.


I never said anything about perfection. you're putting words in my mouth. Dont



ike
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26 Dec 2008, 7:55 pm

kalantir wrote:
As much as id like to, I cant lower my standards. If I did that, Id have trouble thinking of whoever it was as more then a friend. As cool as friends are, most friends Ive made throughout my life have been girls. so thered be nothing seperating my friends who are girls from girlfriends, if thats making sense. cant always communicate what im thinking all that well.


Why's that such a bad thing? A good friend generally makes the best lover imo.


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garyww
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26 Dec 2008, 7:55 pm

If your friends are already girls then you're way ahead of the rest of us so stop complaining.


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kalantir
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26 Dec 2008, 7:58 pm

garyww wrote:
If your friends are already girls then you're way ahead of the rest of us so stop complaining.
\

But I like them as friends and nothing more. It wouldnt feel right if they were more then that. It might just be that Im not meant to have a girlfriend. Ive definately considered the possibility, and Im not opposed to remaining a virgin the rest of my life. Obviously the though bothers me at least a little bit, or I wouldnt have posted here. But it wouldnt be the end of the world if god himself told me thats how its gonna be



angelgirl1224
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26 Dec 2008, 8:09 pm

haha i have none of them i guess..
or i dunno i dont have a very opinion of myself...
i no i have 4 at times
personally i think im ugly. even tho my frends disagree, my ex boyfrend disagrees, other ppl disagree.
i guess im inteliigent i meen im not stupid, I passed my gcses got 1 a 5bs and 3cs nd im in colege studying english lit, psycolgegy,socilogy n history.. i work hard.
i proabbly do not have common sense, as am always getting told to use it.
Well i lack confidence and am 'nerdy ' and all that too so id probably be able to piut up with u.

meh i dunno i sound crap. but yuh u do have pretty high standards, meaning u wil prob judge harshly



ike
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26 Dec 2008, 8:18 pm

kalantir wrote:
garyww wrote:
If your friends are already girls then you're way ahead of the rest of us so stop complaining.


But I like them as friends and nothing more. It wouldnt feel right if they were more then that. It might just be that Im not meant to have a girlfriend. Ive definately considered the possibility, and Im not opposed to remaining a virgin the rest of my life. Obviously the though bothers me at least a little bit, or I wouldnt have posted here. But it wouldnt be the end of the world if god himself told me thats how its gonna be


I'm still not getting the "it wouldn't feel right if they were more" thing... Why wouldn't it feel right? Because you've heard one too many people make those kinds of comments? Or because you just couldn't bring yourself to make a good friend feel really, really good? For that matter, there's a good possibility that one or more of your friends are already interested in being "more" to you and the only reason they're not is because you haven't picked up on their subtle NT hints. (Or because they haven't worked up the nerve to tell you they want to kiss you.) Are you saying that if one of your good friends said she wanted to kiss you, that you wouldn't be able to get over yourself enough to do that for her? If you're not afraid of being a virgin, then what are you afraid of?


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JohnHopkins
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26 Dec 2008, 8:32 pm

You want someone who is virtually flawless, yet they must accept your flaws?



t0
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26 Dec 2008, 8:41 pm

ike wrote:
Beyond that, play the "numbers game". Meet as many as you can and try and get to know them. Engage them in conversations about mutual interests.


This is the answer. Do this and you'll eventually be attracted to someone because they'll fit your criteria. It's better to focus on meeting more people rather than your criteria. If you meet the right person, you'll know it.



garyww
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26 Dec 2008, 8:48 pm

I think the OP answered his own question in a circular fashion he is presently contemplating.


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