confused by my ex's behavior.....need some advice

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Hey, new user here.

I'd been happily dating a woman for about a year and all seemed fine, more or less. She is a very sweet, quiet girl and I just assumed she was a bit quirky. Lately though she won't talk to me, she has been very cold, and several friends of mine have suggested that she has asperger's when I talk about her behavior.

She has an autistic child who lives with her parents just two miles away, she sees him only once a week (this started to bother me....), she doesn't have any close friends and seems more focused on her job than any relationships, she recently told me that in her teens she attempted suicide twice....at first she was very interested in our relationship, even suggesting that we live together after just two months, but it seems that the closer I got, the more she pushed away.

She can also be quite awkward socially and will whisper to me instead of talking directly to other people in the room.....

I've tried to be patient and understanding, but she gets very angry whenever i try to talk about the relationship.....she finds a way to blame it on me, to suggest that I'm crowding her (I see her maybe once a week).....

We are no longer dating, I need to respect her space....even if that means ending the relationship. I find it very difficult to let go....usually when I've had a relationship end I have been ably to talk with my ex, we help each other through it, but I get zero sympathy or empathy from her....ouch. The only explanation I get is that her work has become very busy and solitude is the only thing that keeps her sane (to the point that she spent christmas alone in her studio).

Does any of this sound familiar? The more I read about asperger's the more her behavior makes sense. Part of me wants to say something to her about this but I don't know if it's appropriate. She's already on medication for depression....

Thanks to anyone who has some insight.

It sounds like she was feeling a bit smothered by it all... some aspies get like that whenever someone gets close to them...

Another thing is that, especially if you were her first significant partner, she may have become overwhelmed by the many complex emotions surrounding a relationship...

Overall, however, the work line is probably something she just said because she doesn't know what to say...

I may be able to help more, but I would need details...

A Haiku Response:

She was not worth it
You deserve much, much better
Move on, man, move on

-Fnord-

She did say that she can't really explain her behavior right now....and she sent a very incoherent email last week that didn't shed light on the situation at all....she tried to explain that since she was sending me emails it showed that she cared about me and that should be enough (we're both about 30 years old and email does not a relationship make!)......i visited her during the holidays and she spent most of the time cleaning her apartment relentlessly. She finally calmed down and watched a movie with me....but she didn't seem altogether there.....

The switching gears really upset me. I told her how rude she was being and she completely shut down, hung up on me. Trust me, i wouldn't have pushed her like that if I'd realized that she might not be ABLE to communicate with me about her feelings.

As far as moving on, I'm almost there. Finally feeling a bit calmer this week. I've always ended being friends with my ex's but she seems completely disinterested. Ouch.

BTW, this relationship was not always so rocky. I do love her and respect her....but I guess in the end you have to protect yourself.

I'd try one more tack before moving on...

It sound to me that she's incredibly nervous and/or afraid about all these emotions... the average relationship definitely has enough emotions running around to overwhelm any aspie... and since she cannot explain what is on her mind, she would rather shut down than discuss it with you...

What I would try is to approach her as pragmatically as possible and tell her that it's okay to not know all the answers (after all, most NT's don't have all the answers either... that's just how a relationship works...) and try to find out if she would ever be willing to open up again physically in the future. Do give her a little bit of time (a couple days at least) to try and sort everything out, and tell her that you are giving her that time...

If she won't open up after all that, you will then probably have to leave her, since the problem would then be something about her core personality and not just being overwhelmed...

try giving her some space...then try again. If it's what she wants, maybe that will work. If not, then at least you tried.

I just want to ad that I don't KNOW if she has asperger's. It just seems to make sense. I feel strange diagnosing her but I can't deny that her behavior seems to match the symptoms.

I wouldn't be surprised if she already knows but doesn't feel comfortable telling me....

Definitely giving her space, haven't seen her yet in 2009!

The push/pull has been particularly intense. We had an argument after Christmas over nothing. She got angry at me for asking the name of her aerobics class (because we had plans to meet there) and then told me not to bother.

That night she called me drunk at midnight to tell me that she loved me......something she has never said to me....

The next day she argued with me again and said she loved me but that doesn't mean she wants to hang out with me. That really messed with me.

She recently got a promotion at her job and things went downhill fast.

You know, I want to be with her but if my presence is really causing her so much frustration I can't imagine this working. She also seems unwilling for me to meet her son. That bugs me.

She has so many excuses.....work, the fact that I'm a musician, wanting to meet other people, the fact that i was hesitant about living together. Oh boy.

Thanks for letting me vent. It feels good.

Welcome to WP!

Thanks for the welcome. This conversation has been very helpful.

I've decided to confront her about these problems.....I realize this may very well be the end. She'll never tell me if she has AS or BPD or some combination but I hope that with a little, gentle nudge she might take a look at her behavior in a different light.

My hope for our relationship is fading fast, the degree to which she has shut me out is amazing, but I have to say something about all of this.....I don't know how receptive she'll be but there's nothing I can do but to be as kind as possible.

I also need to take a look at myself. My last girlfriend was bipolar, and now I'm with someone who possibly has AS or BPD. I need to be with someone more receptive to my emotional needs, that's a fact.

One thing.

She has a child? Where is the father?

Obviously she was close to someone or she wouldn't have a child, what happened?

Old wounds sometimes leave scars...is she pushing you away because she just doesn't want anyone close to her, or is she running because she's scared?

Either way, I don't think it's something you can deal with, she has to be the one to do that, and maybe she's just not ready to. I don't know if confronting her would be a good idea.

She had the child when she was 18 and the father wanted nothing to do with her (he's in the Phillipines and they haven't talked in 10 years). Her child has autism and is raised by her father and step mother two miles away. I've always been confused as to why she spends very little time with her son (once a week) and have never really received a straight answer......the fact that she may have AS or BPD seems to make a bit of sense.

Apparently she tried to kill herself in her early teens....again, no details. She really pushes me away when I probe. She seems to love me more when I just skate on the surface of things....but that's no way to live if you ask me.

I realize that there is probably something horrible she's not telling me. She is also estranged from her birth mother who lives in LA and very rarely talks to......

I really wish I wasn't wrapped up in this emotionally, as I would love to be a supportive friend.....but that's hard and takes time.

I'd love a little insight into the situation with her child.....anyone? She's 28 and only sees him maybe once a week. Is it typical for someone with AS to have difficulty raising a child.

One other thing that bugs me.....she is constantly taking pictures of herself in various poses and posting them up on her facebook page. She is almost obsessive about it.....never a picture of anyone else....I'd always written it off as a slight case of vanity/insecurity but it really is getting ridiculous. I'd expect this from a 16 year old.....sometimes this seems like her only pass time.
I'm not talking about one or two cute photos....this is an endless stream.....

A few months ago I asked her to stop, very gently of course, and she did. But last month it all came flooding back. It's almost as if she's trapped in a hall of mirrors.