advice for dating an AS sufferer

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ok well hey there everybody. im new here and i dont actually have a diagnosed condition but was hoping someone would give me advice on how to make my bf happier. he has aspergers and i have noticed alot that he gets called an a**hole and is treated like a terrible person because he tends to speak his mind. i really dont mind it though and in fact most of his strong qualities are actually the reason i like him so much. does anyone have any advice on what makes an aspie happier? is there things i should be doing or saying? we get along fine but when he does get angry, its for real, and i know that he suffers great amounts of stress and sometimes even breakdowns. advice and tips anyone please. i really feel like this can last and i want to make it work as much as possible

Don't expect him to read your mind and don't set him up for failure in any "tests". I really hate it when I realize after the fact that someone was doing that to me.

so would he acutally like it if i staright out tell him what i think or feel? they pretty much prefer straight up honesty?

My first advice is to not refer to AS as 'suffering'.
It seems really condescending to most of us.


Merle

oh! really sorry for that then. that does sound really bad now that youve pointed it out. i apologize. i just understand that he does go through heaps of stress. i said to him today that i really appreciate him as a person and what he does for me. is that a good thing? lol

there is a great book for female partners of male Aspies called "Loving Mr. Spock" It is on Amazon http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Mr-Spock-U ... 1932565205

might be just what you are looking for.

Merle

Pretty much... most aspies can't read subtle stuff like body language... the stuff that makes up something like 90% of all face-to-face communication and is mostly unconscious... There are a few borderline cases that can pick up on cues, and a few more such as myself that can be "trained" (through massive amounts of physical therapy) to the same effect, but most cases will not pick up any at all...

Another thing to remember is that misunderstandings can and will occur. The thought processes between aspie and NT can vary, sometimes very wildly, and certain aspects of socialization that make perfect sense to you may not make any sense at all to an aspie. Misunderstandings can also result in which either you or your partner may feel extremely hurt by comments the other partner made, even if the other partner did not intend to hurt (i.e. don't ask him "does this dress make me look fat" unless you are prepared for an honest answer...) While you can try and reduce the amount of misunderstandings that happen, you won't really be able to completely eliminate them, so an open mind and a willingness to communicate are necessary from both parties.

Often, if you tell an aspie that a behavior is inappropriate, he will first be shocked, not previously knowing such, then remorseful about it (possibly for a long period of time... some reassurance may be required). After such an event, most aspies will make a conscious effort not to violate said rule again... although there are a few that will refuse to reform their ways even knowing such... these are the "jerks" among aspies, and if you encounter one of these types that refuses to listen even to a direct blunt approach, he's not really worth staying with...

Last note: Most aspies have had to endure a significant amount of bullying while going through the school system. They are often vulnerable targets, being rather different and socially outcast. Many of these aspies are not quick to open up to other people because of such traumatic experiences, and if you truly desire to pursue a relationship, you have to remain supportive, and perhaps a bit aggressive (in the sense that he will not approach you, so you have to do the approaching) for some time before he is out of his shell, so to speak, and opens himself up to you... but when he finally does, you will experience the depth of devotion that is rarely seen in today's society.

Just make sure not to betray such trust...

I would say just keep reassuring him he's a good boyfriend. I find when I'm dating I'm always worried I'm not being a loyal enough partner and need constant reassurance. I think a lot of aspies are very nervous when they're in a relationship because we're not good at communicating what we're feeling, so try to make him feel as comfortable with you as possible.

That's all I've got, hope it helped! ^_^;;

It would take for ever and a day to give you the whole "Haynes Manual" for AS & autism and I do not think that within the near future it will be possible to write such a book, but here are what I think are the most important points.

1. Treat him like a human, never a exotic zoo animal. It is best not to parade him about as 'my AS partner' instead think of him as 'your partner who happens to have AS'.

2. If he asks a question about your emotional state, then be ready to answer it even if it is a question which you think is odd. He might notice that something is out of the ordinary becuase of the way you are acting or your body lanaguge but he might not be able to fully read the way you are feeling. As a result he may ask you how you are.

3. If you say something which you think is simple to him, and he does not understand then he might ask you to explain it again sometimes in a different way.

If instance if I asked you to "place some solid hydrogen oxide in a borosilicate cylinder, add some carbonated aqueous quinine solution and ethanol containing an extract of juniper berries" you might be confused.

It would be wrong if you asked me again what I mean for me to say "place some crystals of hydrogen oxide in a borosilicate cylinder, add some carbonated aqueous quinine solution and ethanol containing an extract of juniper berries".

Then when you are still confused you ask me again and I reply "Go place some blocks of hydrogen oxide in a borosilicate cylinder, add some carbonated aqueous quinine solution and ethanol containing an extract of juniper berries you halfwit" it would be me being mean. It would be much better for all if I changed the way I am giving the request to

"Please can I have a glass of gin and tonic with some ice in it"

4. Pay no attention to Maxine Aston, I think that she should not be trusted to give advice on AS and relationships but she likes to promote herself as an expert on AS and relationships.

5. If he asks a question which might seem like him trying to be mean such as "Have you cooked anything this evening ?" when he gets home from work then think.

It may not mean "Why have you not cooked anything you lazy £$€@" it might mean just "Have you cooked anything and eaten yet". He might just be asking so that he knows if he should fix some food for the pair of you.

thank you guys heaps. this is actually helping straight away. im talking to him on msn at the moment about it and now i think theres more understanding. i asked him if he would prefer me actually voicing my thoughts and letting him know when he makes me happy and that i appreciate him and he said that it woulh help alot. like i said people tend to think hes a bad person cuz he straight out says what he thinks except with good intentions. he calls it constuctive critisism. people give him a hard time and he doesnt show it on the outside but i can tell it stresses him out alot and that he really needs someone supportive atm. thanks for the help.

So what do you suggest? 'Privileged with'?

One other thing that I feel I must mention is that some of us have more trouble getting words out during a conversation, than we would typing for example. I sometimes blurt out random thoughts going through my mind without censoring them. At times I have felt that I said some things before I really understood what I was saying, and it ended up coming out blunt and hurtful when I had not intended it to be. This has gotten me into a lot of trouble with romantic and non-romantic relationships.

If he does say something that is a bit too blunt, it might be something that he said without really understanding what could be implied from another context.

I wish you the best of luck. It is great knowing that one more of us has someone who cares about us.

Someone who has it, someone who is affected by it... neutral terms like that...

I've often found that I have a habit of saying stuff that to me seems perfectly relevant to a conversation (and there is always a connection), but it will often confuse the people around me, because they aren't thinking along the exact same path as I am. And then I get funny looks.

You may have to be prepared for odd asides that may make no sense to you, but make perfect sense to him (and which may be filtered through one of his special interests, in order to make them more understandable), so don't be too harsh if that happens. It's never an intentional thing.

How about just saying with AS.

it is the editorializing of 'privileged' or 'suffering' I objected to. AS is what you make of it, not what it makes you.

Merle

I like that. :]