Boyfriend being cranky and rude and refusing to see a doctor

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I have been dating an Aspie guy for nearly one year. For the past two weeks he has been sick. He said he coughs so much it makes his side hurt. I was also sick and I went to the doctor and got medicine and now feel better. He may have what I had.

For the past two weeks he has been rude, cranky, and short with me when we talk on the phone. We talked about Valentine's day; he said that he got me a present and a card and that we would go out for dinner on Valentine's day. Well, Valentine's day is two days away and he still hasn't gone to the doctor and I am very upset with him. He is not normally rude and cranky so I don't understand what's gotten into him. I sent him one e-mail explaining that the instructions on boxes of cold medicine said to see a doctor if symptoms don't get better after one week. I also left one message on his phone saying he may need to go to the doctor based on his symptoms.

When we talk on the phone he says we both need to rest and hangs up the phone. He is normally very friendly and looks forward to us getting together. He has been incredily rude and grouchy. I don't want to nag him but I feel like it is unfair for him to take out his illness on me and not do something constructive about it such as go to a doctor. What should I do?

He's probably got some kind of phobia about the doctor. But what this shows you with his behavior and how hateful he is treating you is what you can expect if you continue to date him. People can be on their nice behavior sometimes for long times before their true self surfaces. You are now seeing who he really is. He's obviously a loser and not matured enough to have a relationship with another person.

Mind you, it could only show you how he reacts when he is either very sick or is dealing with a phobia. He may well know he should see a doctor and the pressure and the illness are wearing at him. There are some behaviors you shouldn't put up with, yes. But everyone, Aspie or otherwise, has things that trigger their negative side. That's a thing too many people blow off, the fact that there is no one in the world who isn't going to have some bad qualities. What is important is to have two parties who don't give up too easily on each other. That said, I only wish I knew how to get through to him. I hate going to the doctor, too, but fortunately I haven't had anything in a long time that has called for medical intervention. When I have an obvious infection, yeah, I'll bite the bullet and go. I have three kids, I can't mess around with infections.

What did you have? Walking pneumonia? Maybe the name of the disease might have influence? As long as he can call it "just a cough" it's something that might go away. Pneumonia or bronchitis are not so easy-going.

I guess I wouldn't know any other way to deal with it except to talk to him face to face (though maybe not eye to eye) and explain that it isn't going to be much fun going out if he snaps at you. Maybe say he's a grown-up and can make his own choices about going to the doctor (much as it bothers you) but that you don't appreciate him snapping at you. Honestly, you have to make a deal... to drop the doctor issue as long as he stays civil, or preferably nice. With the catch being that if he keeps snapping you will either bring up the doctor topic or, failing all else, not much want to talk to him until he is feeling nicer.

All this is, of course, if you are interested in him enough to want to pursue the relationship further still. The length of time you've been dating does suggest that there is a connection there for you both. And I assume you've seen enough to know that there are some interesting issues with us. But I'm here to tell you, there are issues with everyone. We just happen to have a set that match each others' pretty closely, so someone put a name on it.

Yes, we do have quite a good connection between the two of us. He does not curse or call me names. The only difference is that he ends the conversation abruptly on the telephone. I think he must have gotten sicker this week because he was not quite so abrupt last week. I was sick the weekend before last and we had to cancel the plans we had made. He called me the same day and we talked for a little while on the phone and he was not quite as rude and abrupt as he has been this week. He said he would call me back on Friday and from there we would make plans from there. I will be very disappointed if he says he is too sick to go out on Saturday night as he has been going to his job every day. He can't be too deathly ill if he has managed to make it to work every day (and he works in a strenuous job) and has not passed out at work. We are very compatible in many ways; we are the same religion and enjoy the same types of activities. So I am disappointed in his behavior at the moment but it just appears that he is not handling being ill very well. This is a concern of mine but I wonder if I should just wait until he is feeling better to bring the issue up?


My boyfriend has been very good to me in every other respect. He has never stood me up when we have made plans and he is always on time, if not a little early to pick me up. The one or two times he has been late it was only 5-10 minutes late and it was because of rush hour traffic, which is perfectly understandable. I have met his sister and his parents and he has met my family. In fact, he invited me to come home with him and spend Easter weekend with his parents, who live in another state. He is always a very affectionate person toward me. He has always been nice to my friends and family and he gets along with everyone that I have introduced him to. He has never said an unkind word to me or any of my friends or family. Of course, it goes without saying that he has never hit me or been in any way physically violent toward me. As I stated earlier, he has never called me names. I don't think this is a reason to end a relationship but I just don't want to be a doormat. How can I bring this up with him without attacking him as a person?

Hey AS,
minding me saying this but I don't think being cranky and rude has anything to do with you. Infact, I don't thinks he's feeling good. In terms of hanging up, he is probably annoyed at you nagging him about the doctor and wants so space to rest. How would you feel if he did that to you? AS, your boyfriend loves you very much.