Think I found something important in aspie-NT relationships

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yes we all know the all important bluntness and tolerance. But I think I found something else equally important, listening, and not in the normal sense

Lets be honest with each other, aspies tend to ramble. I know I do. I will go on and on and on about a topic. Unless someone tells me to stop, it takes me awhile to. This turns conversations very one-sided. I try to avoid this but still its a problem, especially since I talk to fill what I consider awkward silences. Sure I am not the only one. So I realized something a relationship would need. Is a significant other that doesn't merely put up with it, but in fact enjoys simply listening to you.

A long time ago my husband told me to 'get down off my soapbox'. He also HATES it that I bring up the same 'negative' subject over and over and over and over again. But guess what.....than HEAVENS for Wrong Planet discussions.....because by discussing these traits on here I figured out WHY it bothers him, who happens to be a neurotypical....For the longest time I just thought he 'didn't care enough' about what is important to me.......now I realize that he 'can't handle' the repeated negative thoughts when I express them as they pop into my mind, which happens a lot when I make circumstantial comparisons. He doesn't understand my need to 'go over them'. I am glad to have learned some things that make neurotypicals different than me, thinking wise....and I learned them HERE....and also through listening to some You tube videos of other aspies. I am thankful for what I've learned.....especially about the way neurotypicals are sometimes less interested in facts and ideas, if those facts and ideas bring about a 'negative feeling' for them. Glad to be learning.

^^^^ Seconded completely!! !

Along with everything said above, there are often times that we are discussing a subject and I will state my opinion several times in the conversation (because we're sharing what we think about the subject, duh) but he takes this to mean that I am arguing with him and trying to make him agree with my opinion - or else why would I keep saying it? It's totally not what I mean at all! I don't need him to agree with me.. I'm just talking about the subject and as long as we're still talking about it, I'm going to still be saying what I think about it...



But I agree, that is why I love having converstations here!

If you can find one .

Lots of people will listen - if they know that you really care about them. One way of showing you care is to listen to them . Bit of a conundrum given the situation I think.

The nature of two-way conversation dictates that one is given the right to speak when one is also willing to listen. But of course this is not strict and/or logically defined; one-way conversation happens all the time when people just need a listening ear...

I think all people need to be listened to some time or another, aspie or NT, and it may not be fair on oneself to assume that conversation could ever be achieved so exclusively one sided.

But yes a listening ear is always welcomed. And an understanding heart.

I'm a bad listener. When I tell people that, I guess the first thing that comes to mind is that I don't care to listen, or can't convey that I am listening. That's not true in either case, it's more that I really do tend to miss a lot of what people say. I can only process so much of what someone says before tuning out, I can't help it. It becomes exacerbated with most girls I know not talking as much as guys and generally being a bit quieter in mixed company, and my being more inclined to miss out what they say through my own anxiousness.

I've controlled my tendency to ramble, with the possible exception of my closest friends, but the importance of listening in two-way communication may also be worth mentioning especially if as I suspect AS tends to coincide with auditory processing issues as well.

Seconded and thirded, Sola.

This is the first time I've seen such a succinct explanation of what my husband told me for years. He always thought I was being negative and trying to disagree or argue in a bad way with him. I thought we were having a conversation, an exchange of interesting ideas.

I am a good listener, but it's usually the other person who doesn't do a good job listening.

and ?quadrupled??? don't know if that's the right word, but what i mean is i now understand where so many of the arguments with my ex-fiancee stemmed from....seems for a lot of NT men, discussing opinions automatically means arguing if you don't happen to agree. i always thought i was just talking about something i found interesting, i never understood why he always seemed to feel that i was challenging him by doing that. now i get it.

NTs enjoy listening during courtship but once you've been married a few years those special interests become a bit much for them.

Likewise, aspies very often don't listen much to NTs - even during the courtship period.

You need a partner who won't complain about the conversation, who is stong enough to make you listen when it's important and careful enough to switch off without offending you when you ramble, smart enough to listen when it's important and quick enough to stop you before you make a fool of yourself in front of others.

GREAT post! And this is what I think i do well with my AS b/f, however, I am still honing the part about switching it off without offending him. I think i do ok with that but want to do it as tactful as i can.

I think i am on the right track as i do those things in bold above. LOL I often stop him when i see he is about to make a social faus paux, i seem to be able to read him so well now i know when he is going to do it, and i do make him listen to me. LOL But all of this is done in a respectful manner, and he is appreciative of what I do. And often i DO love to listen to him. the times it gets to be too much i have gotten to where i look at him and smile and say "okay time for a topic change lover!" LOL

Thats a lovely relationship you have there.

or just marry someone who's mastered circular breathing/talking...

I think the key to any successful relationship is balance, or equal give and take. When things get out of balance, is when you start to have problems.

For instance, if you are not very talkative, you would probably do best with someone that is a lot more talkative. That way you two can meet in the middle, and balance each other out.

Also, if someone does all of the taking, while the other person is doing all of the giving, then you will have problems.

I agree with aspies rambling on and how they can be a bit one sided in conversing as well as taking another's interest to account.

I have to say though, I've had an acception of NTs rambling on while I sat there quitely. I've also had NTs tolerate my ramblings. In fact, I would get so mad if I caught someone off guard or didn't respond. I gotta say though, after I asked about these issues it was brought up to me that I was doing the same thing. I wasn't taking into consideration their feedback or ramblings because I was hyperfocused on my discussion.

Also, I get mentally exhausted as well as noticably irritable when an NT rambles on about something I could care less about. At least an NT could fake it.

well problem is NTs use subtle cues to show they aren't interested while aspies just go "can we change the topic" which alot of NTs would consider rude.

Honestly I am more or less ok with taking over the conversation except I've learned thats usually a bad sign if you are doing all the talking. But whats really annoying is when you try to get them into the conversation, they contribute nothing to it, then complain about you talking to much

I do this. I feel like it's my duty to keep the conversation going, even if I have to ramble. It's anxiety provoking and draining, and something that I haven't learned to control, yet. I think that's why I get so tired after most social outings. I feel much more comfortable talking about something I'm interested in, or want to learn about.