Dating an Aspie "successfully"....

Post Reply New Topic

Hi, I'm new to Wrong Planet, but when I found it and read some of the posts, I figured it was a good place to go to for the problem I'm having.

My name is Chris and I'm 26 and have been dating my boyfriend Brian (29) for a little over 3 years. Brian has known he was an Aspie for about 6 months now. Over the course of our relationship, we have struggled in the same manner that a lot of relationships between an AS and NT, I presume.

On top of that, Brian tends to have a bit of a sort of bizarre wandering eye habit. It's hard to really explain, but he will engage in courtship-like talk with random dudes and when the dudes attempt to consummate this contact, he ignores them and moves on to the next. It is true that that situation might be, in some respects, a "victimless crime" in and of itself. However, it is my belief that this undermines our relationship and causes great strife between us as it enables him to drift away and build resentment for the aspects I do not possess that these random encounters do.

Brian has never cheated on me, but I discovered him sending pictures to guys as well as having phone sex with them. In the most recent situation, he met a fellow Aspie who is 25 years old and has an 18 year old exboyfriend. Brian, somehow in his infinite wisdom, felt it necessary and desirable to do the same courtship talk with this kid and went so far as to have lunch with both of them (and then, with just the kid).

To say that this has hurt me is simply a vast understatement. For the past year, I have been mourning the loss of my brother to a drunk driving accident. Without boring you with deep details about my relationship with my brother, the loss was as keen as anything I could imagine. Brian has been there in his own patented way (which is greatly dissimilar to the typical "support" one receives in these situations) and he has been my only true shoulder in the entire situation. Through months of joblessness through both our parts to other various family dramas, we have consistently been each other's rock in some form or another.

I am aware that Aspies need their space. As someone diagnosed with ADHD (which has only lessened a small bit in my adulthood), I need my space too; albeit for different reasons. And yes, I am aware that Asperger's is not part and parcel with infidelity, however I strongly believe that it is deeply linked in this situation. Brian requires ego boosts and other kinds of attention that he doesn't, yet, know how to verbalize. In fact, having conversations about "What Brian Wants" is severely disjointed and complicated. I exhibit patience and am a very good listener so I feel that I have all the patience in the world to work through these bumps in the road, but I feel I might not be "speaking his language" in these discussions.

I am a very passionate person and very committed to my ideals and beliefs. I am also understanding and realistic, however, and choose pragmatism over rigid idealism. In short, I want this to work. I do not wish to throw away the past 3 years on account of not being able to navigate this topic. I do not want him to feel it necessary to seek ego-stroking from random guys and I want him to be able to focus on doing the right thing for he and I as we've got goals and I happen to be almost exclusively goal-driven (lest my tightly spun web falls apart and I lose focus).

Are there any people that are either in a similar situation or can provide a bit of insight? As I said, I don't think I speak the correct language and would like to know a bit more about how to vocalize things that make more sense to him. He sometimes seems to think that if he doesn't *feel* the same way, he finds it hard to *accept* it as truth, etc. How do I communicate things in a way that makes sense?

that... that is f**ked up... I've never heard of an aspie engaging in that type of behavior before... I don't really know if I can help you...

He's got something going on other than AS, though, I can tell you that much... most aspies are monogamous, at the very least, and have about the same ratio of hetero:homo as the population at large... overall, base sexuality is largely unchanged from NT's, it's just that aspies are less able at the social maneuvering involved...

I'm wanting to believe that he might have some sort of like, uh... I don't know the term for it, but a propensity for being obsessed with sexual things. It doesn't even need to be sex in general, but he isn't very good at covering his tracks and I discovered quite a while ago he was beating off at work when his boss wasn't present. In a lot of situations, he feels uncomfortable if not talking with sexual undertones. This has nothing to do with AS, I presume? This might be one of those partnered issues that come along with having AS, then.

They sure don't make it easy, lol.

Thank you for your insight. It's really appreciated. Maybe you might be able to understand the sheer confusion and frustration it seems permeates this relationship due to the AS much less other problems. It's good to know that there's information out there and people who know enough about it to be helpful.

Oh mangledheart. Your post really resonated with me.

Although ToadofSteel argues that most aspies are monogamous, I believe that this applies mostly to physical monogamy but never ever to emotional fidelity. My AS ex-husband-to-be is/was very much like your Brian. He believed that so long as he was not having actual sex with anyone, he had full license to flirt with anyone. When our marriage was dying bit by bit, he said something like, "Knowing myself, I will keep on being the way I am. There is no way I will change and I will keep flirting with girls. And I rightly expect that you will be upset with this. There's no point in making it work." He also said, "Why should I stop doing something that makes me feel good?"

What kind of f****d up answer was that?!

One example was in the early part of the marital breakdown, it wasn't too far off from our anniversary. I tried so hard to make it work and we even went out for a meal to celebrate it. I found out a few days later that the very next day after our anniversary, he drove about 60 miles to meet a girl he met online. (I think she was 19 years old. My husband is 34.) No wonder he was so distracted during the meal. I realized afterwards that I think he was so excited in the anticipation of meeting this girl that he was there in body, but not in mind and spirit.

It's like my husband is starved for attention and he will get it from anyone. He hurt me pretty badly. The sad thing is I don't think he realizes the extent of how much. He loved me (in his own way) one day and it was dead the next.

I applaud your decision to get counseling. At least you're taking that step. I would have liked to myself, but it was like talking to a wall. I hope you and Brian make it.

I also want to add, mangledheart, that you shouldn't believe it when a majority of stuff you read will say that aspies never lie or are unable to lie. THAT in itself is a lie.

Sounds to me less like an Aspie trait than it is a trait of being an ass.

It seems that you are making excuses for him and allowing his diagnosis to excuse his behavior. Being an aspie is not an excuse for being a sleazeball. Some people just are, AS or no AS.

AS does not cause the things that he is putting you though, and AS does not excuse the things he is putting you through.