Coping with partner who has aspergers.

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I say coping but i mean trying to understand.

My partner is very overpowering and it feels like he forces his opinions on me. For example today i said to him about agirl i had read in the paper who killed her boyfriend and he turned round to me and stubbonly said "Do you really think that any of this is true" i did not answer him as i have realised that now if i answer him it turns into a massive argument.
Also he can never seem to let a subject drop even when i say to him after he has been talking non stop for 30 mins that it was the end of discussion he will continue to have his say. We was round my mums house the other day when this happened again. I was not responding because it was my mums house and i did not want to argue round there. I said to him end of discussion as the argument was with him and his mate and i some how got dragged into it. I mean right now he is looking through some mags and is commenting on almost every story and just being so critical of everything including me on many occasions.
The relationship was perfect in the start we both cared and looked after each other and was just so caring and we would chat about things and talk for ages with each other and almost like switching off a light he changed. No warning it all changed.

Now i have tried my best by reading others posts and experiences and i still cant understand him. He blames everything on his aspergers. I love him to bits but i get so angry with him because he just does not seem to care about me he talks down to me a lot like he is better than me and it upsets me.

I dont want to leave him but i cant put up with it much more.
Am i being selfish or is there anything i can do to make our relationship better?

You are diffinitly NOT at fault for anything.

I don't think he can just blame everything on his AS.
Sure he migth have some things that is to blame on it, but not everything.

I think you should have a serious talk with him, explain how you feel about his behavior.
And how you want him to be more considerate about it or something and RESPECT your opinions to and not force his on you.

If he whont change, you should leave him IMO

The first thing that came to mind is that he is unaware of the issues he was causing by talking someone's ear off for 30 minutes, but then you said that he is continuing after you mentioned that he was talking too much... while that in and of itself is troublesome, it is still within the grounds of AS.

However, the fact that he blames everything on his AS is not the way things should be done. If he acknowledges that AS can be a problem, he should get some counseling to alleviate some of the surface issues (i.e. the issue you're mentioning). This is not for the purpose of removing the AS, but for allowing him to function better in society (where people may be less forgiving when he goes off on long-winded monologues...)

I wouldn't say leave him right away, but if he doesn't put any effort at all into what I'm suggesting, then you may need to consider that as an option...

Has his job status changed? Either he got one or lost one or switched jobs?

I hate the idea of ultimatums, but if you can't find a way to make the relationship work for you, then I think leaving is the smart choice. If he hasn't tried it, I would recommend trying to find an autism specialist he can see for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Being negative all the time isn't just uncomfortable for you, it's also physically injuring him. His health will improve if he can get some help learning to be more optimistic.

I think its a dual diagnosis where he hasn't gotten to the second diagnosis or just ignored it. He seems very angry but I'm not sure if emotional reflection in your account sometimes people who use logical reasoning don't realize how they come off to an emotional reasoner. His constant seemingly angry state may be a sign of either in impulsivity disorder, or a problem controlling emotions which in itself is not part of AS but sometimes is part of a dual diagnosis since its very common to have AS with another issue. For me it was AS and Depression so I'm quite the opposite he may have AS with ADHD (the constant shifting in the mind causes a certain irrability), Bipolar, BPD, or something else entirely.

Now I can't say what you should do because its a perspectivist issue the way that makes you most happy maybe the one I never consider or consider foolish. I think in the end you need to give him the option of using some joint way of fixing issues like couples therapy if he embraces it great if he doesn't theres other people who will treat you better. We also have to take into account the possibility hes become too comfortable so is not catering to other people's needs.

Did anything else happen around the time he changed?

It could be he was trying hard to put up a good front at first but then became mentally/ emotionally exhausted from it and his true self came out, bad temper, stubbornness and all... that happens even in "normal" relationships but I imagine is worse in dealing with someone with AS, which after all is considered a social deficit, which we learn to compensate for, though it can be utterly exhausting.

I disagree with this. Your relationship sounds EXACTLY like my relationship with my mum (who is NT).

"For example today i said to him about agirl i had read in the paper who killed her boyfriend" - this struck me as strongly suspect, and I would like to question you about it. This is something mum does all the time, she conveys information to me, but with an ulterior motive, or to mean something she isn't actually saying. It's a very NT thing to do.

When you mentioned this to him, can you honestly say you simply were relaying it to him out of interests sake and nothing more, or were you trying to send him another message underneath, such as "this girl was obviously unhappy with her bf, like I am with you", or something. The truth is I have no idea what message you would be sending, as I (like your husband), would not be able to read the invisible cues you send along with it.

His reaction to this; likely knowing you over a period of time he would know enough to know you do not mean it innocently (like an aspie would, just to literally convey that information), that you chose that *particular* story for a reason, but because he is AS he cannot read the signals to know what you are really saying to him. If he could, it is likely the situation could be defused like I have seen NT's do in day to day life, a slight non-verbal clash, then a settling down (again, being AS, this is the best I can describe it). As he cannot read the message you are sending, but knows it is likely negative, his obvious immediate reaction would be one of defensiveness/anger, thus him replying "defensively", and thus if you push the issue, it turning into an argument (as his contained frustration would then have an outlet and spill over into anger). Him being constantly critical/constantly inviting argument is likely because of this simmering internal frustration and anger caused by negative messages you have sent him that he cannot understand (because once you understand the message, you can accept it, and then get over it).

Again, this all happens to me and my mum constantly, our situation almost matches yours perfectly. The thing is, that I can often be completely unreasonable and lash out without enough justification, but I can't actually help it. Sometimes just talking to my mum brings this suppressed anger and frustration to the fore and it comes out in other ways (thus the talking down, the arguments, that sort of thing), and half the time I don't even realize what I'm doing (like I'll start talking normally about a pleasant topic, then it will get more and more attacking for no reason, until we get into an argument where I'm talking about my frustration with the public transport system, or something equally ridiculous).

I think this is quite likely the root of your problems. As far as solving it goes, I think the best thing to do is to sit down with him and try to talk about your communication problems, and how you get into fights, and try to figure out the cause of it together. Ask him to be honest with you, and really listen to everything he says. But MOST IMPORTANTLY. Try to talk as literally as possible, without emotional undercurrent messages and that sort of thing, because it will only anger, confuse, and upset him.

The situation you are in is not your fault, and it is not his fault. It is caused by constant breakdowns in communication, as the two of you are communicating to each other on different levels.

Oh, and as far as talking about the same thing on and on, over and over, without end, that is pure AS. I do it too.

It IS very annoying and frustrating for the person on the other end. Best thing you can do is to explain to them (again in clear literal terms) how it can be annoying and boring for you to hear the same thing repeated, and ask if it is ok that you tell him when he is doing this so he knows to stop (again, keep it clear, literal, kind (not accusing and angry) and WITHOUT emotional undercurrents - the minute you get angry, you start sending all these other messages that he cannot pick up on, so he will immediately switching into unreasonable defensive mode). If he is a reasonable person, however, he should be fine with you asking this of him, so long as you explain why it's annoying in clear literal (not emotional) terms.

This all sounds very familiar since I have aspergers and I can argue and talk non stop to my mum for an hour or even more about issues I have in my life.

Heres some advice.

1.Perahps when you feel he is becoming overwhelming pour a glass of wine for him if you can sense an arguement will start. This could backfire though and if you do this he might feel you are treating him like a headcase and trying to calm him down.
2.In a very serious tone state the impacts all this stress he is causing you might have on your overall physical and mental health and your relationship.
3.Remember people with Aspergers often don't have much empathy. They may find it harder to put themselves in your shoes. In fact if you wan't to explain to him what you have to go through this could help him to relate to some of the problems he causes you.
4.He migth expect too much from you but try your best to meet his expectations in terms of how you behave towards him.
5.Try to be complementry to him as much as possible.
6. If he goes onto you and feels the need to discuss his specific interests try your best to induldge in them for as long as you see fit.
7. This piece of adviceis quite important and may change things. Ok try and encourage your partner to write down his problems on a piece of paper and you could even write a note back to him with solutions to the issues he is facing.
8. If you haven't done this already seek a relationship counceler or in general encourage your husband to seek help and talk to a counciler about his problems.

I hope this advice will help you

Nice going with the spam here boy

Sounds like he doesn't understand the gravity of the situation. I'd say let him know how you feel and get straight to the point - If he realizes he might lose you he'll probably get his act together.

You're not being selfish.
Even if something is the result of aspergers, this is no excuse for not learning. If he has problems then help him fix them.

At a guess, I'd say that your partner isn't getting any worse. A few things are probably happening in your relationship at the moment;

1. The honeymoon period (getting used to eachother - not an actual post wedding holiday) is over.

2. You're no longer seeing him through "rose coloured glasses"

3. He's no longer hiding his true self.

If you make it past this point, your relationship stands a good chance of success.

--

So...

1. You're not doing anything "wrong" but you're both not working as a team yet.

2. Aspergers is a condition, a set of rules and behaviours. Not an excuse. Neither of you can or should accept that.

--

You need to have a proper talk - or write to eachother - about the issues BUT not while they're happening. For example, don't jump straight from a negative comment of his into a discussion of his negativity. This will seem like a complaint.

Negativity
He needs to understand that his negativity makes you feel sad etc.. He needs to be taught how to be positive.


Not Dropping the Subject
This is a real aspie thing. You'll have to sort out a way to "agree to differ". It's a long and difficult road for him and it's probably not 100% achievable - but you can go a reasonable distance.


Talking Down to You
You need to make sure that he knows what this means. As other posters have suggested, I don't think that he realises.

You need to have a way to signal him when he's gone too far - and a procedure for him to follow to get back on track. eg: if he says something wrong in public, do you want him to "a. just shut up", "b. apologise in front of people" etc..

This doesn't really sound like an 'aspie' issue per se. I have known quite a few people with AS and i would not say what you are describing is a condition of AS, but rather a condition of his PERSONALITY.

I think you need to talk this out with him just like you would ANY person, NT or aspie. He is not respecting you, and that is not cool regardless of having AS, or not.

I agree with whomever said this sounds like a condition where the honeymoon period has worn off and the guard is down and the pressure to be more 'perfect' is now off and you are seeing more the real 'him'.

Angel Maria - I hear you loud and clear! Agreed with Jenna_J that this is part AS and part his personality.

Familiarity breeds contempt. It doesn't sound like either of you are happy -- you should probably end it. It's not just his AS that is making him so cranky and negative, and obviously he was different earlier in the relationship.