Depressed; Relationship Addiction to Blame?

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Hey, I used to spend more time on this forum, but this is my first time back in a really long time. I've been horribly depressed the past month or so, and I don't feel like I can dig myself out. I keep getting into relationships with guys, being really happy, and then anxious all the time about whether or not he'll call or whether or not he really wants to be with me. My chest feels tight and I worry all the time. The only time I'm happy is when I'm around him. I don't want to be this way. Sometimes I wonder if aspies are more prone to relationship addiction, but then again the addiction model applied to things like food and relationships isn't necessarily a sound concept.

Right now I'm with a guy I've been friends with for 8 or so odd years, who I have a turbulent past with. We get along a lot of the time and watch anime and whatnot. However, he hasn't called to ask me to do anything in a few days and I'm really worried. Sometimes we "fight," or I reveal my insecurities to him. Sometimes he's an a**hole, and does things like call me "crazy" and act like he's "better" than me. Other times he's really sweet, and I receive a lot of affection from him and have a wonderful time. The days I don't see him I feel awful. My heart feels like its blistering and getting dunked in very hot water. I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any support/advice? I would really appreciate, and I'll try to be as helpful as I can to others on this forum who need help through bad times.

I'm definately prone to getting addicted. It can be very painful if the other person is not as addicted as you are. I don't have any good advice since I haven't conquered it myself yet.

Aw, that's too bad. I wish I knew a way to word this so I could get more responses. I'm going through a really bad time right now. Maybe it seems ridiculous, but I'm really really really miserable. I promise.

Well, I'll chime in -- your behavior sounds a bit obsessive/compulsive, and you might have an attachment disorder -- see quick wiki explanation -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults#Attachment_styles.

Your attachment style sounds Anxious/Preoccupied -- Did you have any issues with your parents growing up, where they didn't give you enough affection, or withdrew affection?

I myself have a mix of some of these disorders, and definitely have some of the same issues with my loved ones or crushes -- obsessing, crowding, overthinking things, and eventually pushing them away. Look into this, because sometimes crowding someone too much has the opposite effect intended -- you can't really force someone to like to be around you all the time. My wife has accepted that I need my personal space and time, but still feels the urge to cling on to me sometimes right when I don't want it.

You might need another hobby or way to spend your time to help break this pattern. Also, if you have other things going on in your life, like depression (which you mentioned) and traumatic events that are causing depression (like the recent death of a loved one or relative), this can also trigger some of these emotions. When my bro-in-law died a few years ago (my wife's brother), we both went through a lot of relationship problems, and I found myself semi-neglected and desperately seeking friendship. It really didn't work out so well, and I feel like I embarrassed myself in my frantic search for someone.

Thank you, Billsmithglendale. I haven't really had anything traumatic happen to me recently, although depression runs in my family. I try to keep myself busy: I work out, I have pet rats (sorry if you're scared of rats; a lot of people are), I am in graduate school (clinical psychology) and I work at a group home for "troubled" teenage girls. Part of why I'm depressed is because my part-time job will not allow me to pay for my own place, so I'm living with my dad. At 25, that makes me feel ashamed.

Thank you for helping me put things into perspective a little bit; I need reminders until "toning it down" becomes second nature. (That's what I'm hoping for). I'll check out the link you sent; some people who have worked with me in a mental health kind of way have speculated that I might have issues because I'm the child of a sober alcoholic. (If that makes sense). I had a very "reactive" and angry mother who hated him, although she generally seemed to love me. When I was nine she went back to school and work, and I would sit in the window every night and cry until she got home. That certainly seems like an early maladaptive attachment style.

The reason I go outside is to be normal, the reason I live is because it is normal, the reason I shake a hand is to to not insult people. The reason I strive for sexuality is because of a feeling of need rather than want. The reason I wish for a relationship is to not be so lonely but there is no way to not feel lonely because no woman would want to be by my side 24 hours a day. Plus when you fall asleep together it sucks - but you'd want to wake up next to them to kiss them on the neck until they wake up and taste there horrible morning breath while enjoying their company...

But really if you sleep at night with a girl they are usually too warm or too troublesome. Last time I did I left off the bed, went to the couch with a bottle of tequila and fell asleep drinking from the bottle fathoming the meaning of love...

Which may be of no help to you but still, perhaps the happiest you can be.. is being free from those types of ties..

Domesticated rats are great pets -- very smart, good personality (for a rodent), clean, I really liked ours. Probably my favorite out of the "little" pets we had. My wife can't stand them, but that's because she grew up in a third world hellhole where rats were a genuine problem.

The reactive and angry mother is probably the cause here, along with your father -- I would imagine a lot of your formative ideas about attachment, love, and affection were shaped intensely by that interplay. And yeah, being home alone so early (were you an only child?) can be rough -- I had the same thing happen when I was 13, having a bad time in school (both academically and socially), and I got very angry and violent at home with my siblings. It's not good for a kid that young to have to be self-sufficient emotionally.

That's awesome that you also had rats, billsmithglendale! They do make good pets.

Nim: There are times when I agree it's good to be free of those kinds of ties. But I get lonely, and the only thing that can make me unlonely is romance. It's obnoxious.

Yes, I can see my parents being part of the cause. I was an only child. In addition, I was also often teased at school. (Probably because of my aspie characteristics). I was used to having my mom home after school, but when she went back to work I was alone with my dad. I would cry and cry asking my dad where my mom was for hours, until she came home. Then I would latch onto her as if I had been in imminent danger.

Last night I failed at "toning it down." I was waiting for my boyfriend to call, as I knew he would around 9:30. However, I texted him right before he called, and by the time he called I was shaking and completely upset. (It was 9:45). The evening I spent with him I was sad, and couldn't have a good time because I felt shaken up. We argued a few times, although he did hold me for a while and we had sort of a good time. I just think I shouldn't call him again, and wait for him to call me. But if he doesn't call me tonight, I'll be devastated. I really want to get out of this pattern, but I don't know how.

It sounds like maybe you do what I do - define the amount of affection in direct proportion to the amount of attention given. 'If he really loves me, he'd call me every day' or something to that effect. Another thing I always do is try to define people by comparing them with myself eg 'I call him every day befause I love him. If he loved me, he'd feel the way I feel' or ect.

Like I said before, I haven't completely broken out of this but I've learned to let a lot of little things go. But I definately sympathize with you and I know the amount of heartache it can cause.

I also can totally relate to this.

I think this has become an issue in many of my relationships, and has caused me to date (and in one case, marry) dependent men.

At this time, I'm dating someone who has actual work scheduling issues in addition to, you know, having a life. It's very, very difficult, and I'm constantly wondering if "maybe he's just not that into me". Yet, every time he says he'll call, he calls. Sometimes it's just not enough. Because, like Mitharatowen says, it's not what I'd do.

I didn't have an unusual parental situation. It is just the way my personality is. I go full force into everything I love, but human relationships are tricky and I've learned the intensity of my affection can scare people. Add to that some sketchy years and bullying in elementary school and middle school and rejection in high school and my paranoia is constantly looking for signs I'm going to be broken up with, so that I can do a pre-emptive strike.

A hobby or interest is a good idea, but I don't really seem to be able to choose what I get into. Plus it takes time away from my true favorite thing, my dopamine addiction, lol. I just need to keep telling myself that my man wouldn't spend time with me at all if he didn't want to.

Right?
Right????

Thank you to everyone who has responded to me; I really appreciate the feedback.

Mitharatowen: Yeah, that's the exact thought I have: "If he really loved me, he'd call me every day." I also think that because he doesn't do what I would do, he doesn't love me.

^ Yeah exactly.

I also agree with patternist. I throw myself into relationships 110% and I constantly worry that maybe they don't really like me and if they really liked me they'd do such and such because that's what I would do and... ect ect ect

Craziness

I'm a lot better about not trying to define people lately. I used to do the same thing to my friends and everyone. I'm not cured but I do it less. But then again.. I also don't really care about anyone these days so that may be the reson.