I'm an NT girl falling for a guy with AS...i need advice

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So we are both teenagers and i met him a while ago, but we never had the chance to really talk back then...
When we finaly did, i didn't know he had AS, we hung out watching the basketball game at my school and it was kinda fun, even though he was a little akaward.

Later that week i requested him as a friend on myspace and he accepted, then messaged me telling me he had aspergers and wanted me to know so i could understand him more.

It suprized me but also intrested me and we've been talking alot, getting to know eachother...i'm pretty sure i'm falling for him and it scares me a little.

based on what i've read about aspergers and seen on this site, his case it not very severe but deff is aparent. He has some obessions, which really don't intrest me but thats okay...and he is very much into video games/tv stuff, but on the other hand he is involved in some school clubs and plays soccer.

should i go for it? is it a bad thing for an NT and AS to have a relationship? what should i watch out for?
i know that some Aspies don't like to be touched? idk if i can handle a relationship that doesn't have any touching....
i'm not all that experienced and i'm sure he isn't either...
any advice?

The real question is what do you see in him? There must be something attracting you to him.

If you like him, yes.

No

Damaging him emotionally.

Slowly and with consultation.

Go for it. If he was as severe as a lot of us, he wouldn't have got as far with you as he already has. Just keep in mind it may provide issues in the future, try to cut him some slack, and give him a go.

By all means, if you feel that you want to get involved with him, there's nothing wrong with an NT/AS relationship so long as both partners keep an open mind about it... For your part, you would need to know that aspies aren't exactly the best when it comes to social events


When you want to convey an important point to him, explain it, using as clear, definitive language as you can. Body language will go right over an aspie's head 95% of the time (unless it's a very mild case or the aspie has had significant amounts of therapy, counseling, or training in some of the finer social skills.) Also, don't infuse your speech at these moments with emotions. If you're particularly annoyed at him for whatever reason (and you will be if he goes off on a long-winded monologue on some random subject such as naval architecture), having that come through your voice will likely be overwhelming to him and cause him to go into a withdrawn state, and he won't listen to anything you're trying to say...


Some aspies do have a touch aversion, yes... however, on the other end of the spectrum there are aspies that love it... If you do end up in a relationship with this guy, the best thing to do concerning that is to ask him. When you feel comfortable with it, just ask if you can get physically closer (though word it a bit better than my crappy control over the English language so you don't sound like a creep), and if he accepts that, you're pretty much set. If not, there's a good chance he's touch aversive, although it could also mean he's just not comfortable with you yet...

Which brings me to my next point: Because aspies often cannot read body language, they are often uncertain as to what someone else is thinking, which lends itself to making most aspies increasingly more uncomfortable as the number of people in a room increases, as well as in more emotional situations such as parties, some informal social gatherings, as well as in relationships. Because of this, aspies will rarely make the first move in a relationship, since they have no indication as to whether someone actually likes them or not, or even if someone is trying to use them... I found out the hard way in high school that several women "wanted" me for my ability to get them A's on tests, and that experience has made me a bit cynical when it comes to approaching women, even now...

Conveying as much thought in the words themselves is generally helpful for communicating with an aspie. Simply stating to him that you like him will go WAY farther than *screaming* it in your body language... Using words will help him to understand what you're thinking, and will also help him feel more comfortable around you, which would help you in the long run... I know, it sounds a bit weird, especially since traditionally the male is supposed to make the first move, but it will help you out alot in your situation...


That doesn't have any real impact, especially given that you're both teenagers...

PS: One last important thing: Never lie to him. I cannot stress this enough. While aspies are seemingly distrusting, that stems from their inability to read body language... However, once you do gain his trust, and provided he doesn't have another condition as well (such as bipolar), he will remain unwaveringly loyal... The only important thing is to not break his trust, ever, or else he will try and disconnect from you very quickly.

This extends to white lies as well... Say you had to do a group project and were assigned with this other guy, and you had to go to his house to actually work on this project. If you were in a relationship with an aspie, tell him straight up that you are going to this guy's house merely to work on the project, nothing more. Don't try to cover it up with other things like going shopping, going to a (girl) friend's house, etc. If you tell the aspie any of those things, he will see that as straight-up lying, and will only serve to alienate him further if he finds out. If you tell him the truth, however, he will believe it. As long as you don't actually cheat (and, ergo, are still telling the whole truth), he shouldn't mind that much...

As someone who dated an Aspie and then married him, here are my thoughts

1. Don't expect him to just "know" what you're feeling/thinking/trying to say. Be honest. He can take it. It's much less stressful for him if you're honest than if he has to try and figure out what's going on in your head. You will save both of you some frustration and moments of miscommunication if you just say what you need him to hear.

2. Listen to him. Aspies are smart people and they notice things that the rest of us take for granted. If you take a few minutes to see the world through his eyes, you'll be a better person by the end of it.

3. Humour his obsessions. You don't have to love what he loves, but if you show some support that it's OKAY for him to love what it loves, it's all good.

4. Have fun. You guys are young. Just enjoy it.

I think this could use some elaboration. I don't think you should make yourself walk on eggshells in fear of hurting his feelings.

Here are a few things to remember:

1) He will very likely be more honest than pretty much anyone else you'll ever meet.

2) He will very likely be more honest than you WANT him to be.
- Being more honest than you want him to be is likely to hurt your feelings occasionally. If he hurts your feelings, ASSUME that it was an accident. You should probably follow this up with some conversation about it. Let him know that you understand he didn't hurt your feelings on purpose, then explain why your feelings were hurt and if possible how he can avoid making the same mistake in the future. In addition to helping you, this may also help him to understand other people as well.

3) In any given conversation he will likely NOT have any ulterior motives.

4) Listen to WHAT HE SAYS ... DO NOT under any circumstances listen to the way he is saying it - what he's saying will generally be pretty accurate, but if you try to read into his tone of voice or body language, that will actually lead you away from understanding him, rather than helping you to understand (the way it does with other people). His tone of voice, facial expressions and body language will not be the same as other people's, so you can't use those to interpret what he's thinking or feeling. My girlfriend still has a difficult time with this.

I'm saying this from the perspective of someone who's AS is mild enough that I got married, had three kids and have been a software engineer (without a degree) for a decade all before I was diagnosed. I'm 34 and was diagnosed last year.

Don't worry, we aspies don't bite.

It's true that I shirk from casual touching, but I am much more open to it with a girlfriend. Besides, if he's into contact sports, contact probably isn't an extreme issue with him. It'd still be best to talk to him about it.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a relationship with an aspie as an NT, in fact, it's quite common. You should be aware that the awkwardness is more or less a constant, though I think it's something you'll get used to as you get to know him.

Also, he's probably not too great at reading nonverbal cues, so be prepared to tell him how you are feeling about things and don't expect him to know how you are feeling instinctually.

I take it he trusts you quite a bit, since he told you that he has AS, and that can be a very risky thing for someone to do, especially as a teen.

Go for it.

The best advice I can give is that you need to communicate as well as you can.

You may have to lead him a bit.. and teach him what you want.
eg: "I need to hear you say that you love me"

Be specific... don't say...
"I need you to ring me sometimes"

say
"I need you to ring me twice a week, maybe on Mondays and Wednesdays"

If you have problems, don't let them escalate, write them here and we'll help you with them - but don't panic for now.

thank you all for your responses! this def helped a lot
i'll keep this updated if we move into a relationship.

no problem! Promoting the understanding of AS is always a pleasure!

One thing I forgot to say, if there's ever something about him that you have questions about, feel free to ask him! Communicating is vital to any relationship, especially one with an aspie.

i've discovered that with him he likes to talk alot about his intrests, but he also asks me about social stuff and how to act, or to tell him if i think he is being rude.

its amazing the difference between him online/texting and him in person.

i know at some point i'll have to ask him if he likes me the same way i like him
cause usualy guys at this point catch on.

as a woman with AS I think this is one of the loveliest posts i have ever read.

I chose not to deliberately at this point, for one we know nothing about him asides that he is an Aspies. Really you have generalised here and badly.

Or a perfect liar - some of us have learnt that trick. Or even better, have an unusual notion of what a lie is, so he can kid himself that he is still honest.

You missed here that some Aspies also don't want to be patronised to death, the last thing he wants at this age is a second mother figure.

Possibly true.

Initially you can't, but over time its learnable. I certainly can have a very good shot at reading another Aspies facial expressions.

Age of diagnosis makes quite a lot of difference really - knowing about it at his age is not a good thing imo. Talking from personal experience here.

Thanks, Millie.

Don't worry, just go for it, and encourage him to do the same.

One of our biggest problems as aspies is that we tend to overthink things (as evidenced by the responses to this thread ).

haha i know he overthinks stuff
he will obess over some of his small failures or mistakes...i try and remind him that its okay to not be the best or to forget and move on sometimes.
he did reveal to me that he feels that he overthinks some social situations and always imagines the worst.
i over advice but i'm not a expert myself.