Potential Love of my life

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Hi everyone

I'll start this off by saying I'm somewhere in between NT and Aspie. I base that mainly off of the forums, and off of my best friend, who does have Asperger's. I feel as if I am a "bridge" of sorts.

Introduction aside, the friend and myself have been friends now for over two years. She and I have over the course of that time started to "really like each other" to use her terms. Things were going great until we decided to push our luck and ask her parents *she turns 18 in june, i'll be 25 in may **This age difference does bother her but I'll come back to that*** if i would be allowed to visit during the course of her college spring break. Things started well with them, until she showed them my facebook profile. There are a few main things wrong with my profile, first, I hadn't updated it in over 3 years. Secondly, anyone who gets to know me, knows i take sites like facebook, and myspace, as jokes, and therefore are sarcastic in my responses. Her parents "flipped a lid" when they saw my profile, and nearly banned her from ever talking to me.

Now some deeper issues: I'm her first friend in a long time, and by her own admission, the best friend she has ever had. She's never really done anything super independent of her parents, and obviously i am an "unkown" for them, since they can't control my actions. I'm not trying to paint them badly, but her mom especially, tries to control every aspect of her life. Since the debacle with the facebook she "broke up with me" because her parents made some points about me. They told her that since she's never dated anyone, it takes 10 dates before finding one to keep. They also said that she has no idea what it is she wants, and should tell me to move on. They also wanted her to find a boyfriend where she lives *We live about a 27 hour drive apart* in effect to make her "forget" about me being "more than friends." She also has only seen her family structure, her parents only have a 4 year difference in their age, so our 7 scares her. I am in my final semester of college, and she's in her sophomore year. Her parents also made the claim that because she wants to be a doctor, and i don't *english major, debating on grad school* that "she would lower her standards to meet mine, and give up her dream of medical school."

While i understand some of their concerns *and answered the others they made her think about, when she asked me* I don't really think its right to try to control a 17 year old's life, especially on friends and love. I've made this clear to her, but she's still unsure what she should do. This is breaking my heart, because I really wanted to meet to see how things went. From there we could decide, together, if things would be fine or not. In terms of compatibility, we share about 85% of the same likes and dislikes. Our opposites are more broad, like politics, but besides the occasional argument *i've never been able to stay mad at her for more than a few hours* we both agree that it gives us wider variety. "Making strengths from our weaknesses" i guess one could say. As an NT i understand the NT world, but because i exhibit aspie tendencies, serve more as a bridge, often times translating things she doesnt understand, and helping her with social protocol's. She has numerous times been awestruck by my patience with her, but its just what i do. I have also explained to her that i will spend as much time as i need to to work with her and help her not only in medical school, but to cultivate a relationship with her parents. I think school and family are very important.

Obviously i really like this girl. But with her questioning the relationship and abandoning even meeting, because of what her parents said....I wonder if its worth it for me to keep trying with her. I don't want to end the friendship, and don't even plan on doing anything like that. But i also don't want to wait forever because she's afraid of what her parents will think or do if she does decide she likes me. I also fear that further down the line if we do meet and things do go well enough we live together, that she'll have a "well i wonder what if" moment and break up with me. or live her life being unhappy because she never did find the "what if". On the other hand, I've treated her better, and given her more time, patience, and friendship that anyone else in her entire life, and truthfully the chances of her finding someone like myself *i hate tooting my own horn =/* is slim.

I probably left things out, i was doing this quickly as my internet was failing.

What do you think? Should i hold on to hope that she'll decide to meet and once meeting go from there? Or should i just admit defeat, give up on "us" and be her internet friend? Or should i try to get her to start thinking on her own away from her parents, making her own choices, and tell her that we will meet? *i don't want to get "serious" in the relationship until we meet. we were only "pseudo" together*

Thanks.

It's hard to say. Please read the whole thing first before commenting.

Let's distill it to the basics:

(1) You live a 27-hour drive apart.
(2) You have not yet met.
(3) You're seven years older.
(4) You've maintained a two-year internet relationship and are her best friend. Ever.
(5) At some point, you both developed feelings for each other.
(6) Your facebook hasn't been updated in a couple of years and features sarcastic comments that disturb her parents.

Just to play devil's advocate, or parent, there are a lot of disturbing things here.

First, there is the age difference. Second, there is the distance. Third, there is the somewhat less-than-mature facebook. Fourth, there was the age difference when you met. If I'm her parent, I'd question your judgment and maturity. Her career plans and your major and plans for the future only serve to heighten the suspicion. Unless you're going to law school (or something similar), an English graduate degree raises eyebrows since even some Ivy graduates working as adjuncts.

On the other hand, when I was 21, I met a 17 (maybe 18) year-old high school senior through Yahoo Personals. (Just for reference, that is legal in my state.) She lived 1000 miles away. It was near the end of the school year (April) and we planned on meeting during her summer internship in a city almost mid-way between our respective homes. We never met (due to intervening events), but I am not entirely unsympathetic. After all, I just went out with someone with whom I've maintained an internet-only relationship for over eight years, since she was 18.

Bottom-line, it will be a struggle. Remember Dan Savage's campground metaphor/rule.

For OP: But have you not been formerly Dx'd? Then, how can you 'know' you're NT yet close to Asperger's Syndrome?

I don't mean to be intrusive and nice that you have an Aspie friend, but why, as to your original premise? Remember being Autistic (whatever level of functioning) is not merely a type of personality or some traits but is technically a disability, albeit with some selective advantages.

Unsure....seems as if being Autistic has become 'The New Black.' Why is this?

But WP has NT members and I'm not meaning to be offish. Just curious about your post; most newcomers don't go straight to Love and Dating.

Um. I could have sworn I read the other half of this story a while ago on here, by a girl in the same situation you mention, with a guy that sounds like you, all the way down to the Facebook thing.

Are you the other half? Because I posted on that thread. It's just too eerily similar to ignore, so I thought I'd double check.

You have to realize that the parents are just trying to do what's best for their daughter. Her mother doesn't sound bad at all, just concerned. 17 is a very young age to have her fall in love and abandon all her plans. So many things can go wrong for her at this point, especially if she hasn't dated before. The distance and now the forbidden nature might make you more appealing. The 7 year age difference is a big deal right now but it won't be in a few years. Give it some time. Please back off a little and let her follow her college plans. You can still be her friend and maybe more but take your time.

@apep : I have since updated the facebook to represent where I'm at in life, especially since i've learned employers like to scour such things. that said, as much as i don't like to see the devil's advocate side, you make strong points. By her state laws she is legal at 17, but i'm still waiting for her to turn 18. it also gives her more time to make up her mind. Thanks for the strong points.

@lab: true, although i'm not doing it to be different. She thinks i am, and doing some research on it, i do share commonalities. I'm just going by those two things really : her say and internet say. I'd be happy to discuss this more if you'd like.

@orbyss : i apologize for it seeming similar, is there a link *if that's allowed* I'd be forever grateful.

@butter : But i have always encouraged her college and education, and the relationship she has with her parents. I will not let her sacrifice her education because she would choose me. I've made it very clear that if i'd need to work multiple jobs to be able to afford her schooling, then i will. If she would "move in" with me, the only thing she would lose is having a family member constantly with her *5 of them total, two younger siblings that are home schooled* School is certainly not a sacrifice she would have to make by choosing me. And if it ever would come down to choosing between me and school, or me and her parents, i'd take myself out of the picture so she can focus on school and keep the relationship she has.

Well, first off, it may only be of use if she's suspected as having Asperger's. I'll try to dig it up at some point. I'm also not sure if this particular poster is a regular at this point.

the girl in question has been diagnosed, and turned me on to the forums. I'd like to become a regular.

Ok, Mu, I'll crap if this isn't about you guys: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt88418.html

And even if it's not, my posts should still be totally applicable to this thread, so I won't have to repeat myself.

Man, the things I remember...