Serious Relationship Crossroads with a Will to Work, but...

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I have been involved for over a year now which is why I haven't been here in that amount of time. Dating was very fun and we have even had some great times after moving in together; notice I said "after". Our problems really began once we were living together and after my schedule drastically got busier.

To keep this short, I have no real idea what expectations I can meet. I am back in school and working, which has set aflame some of the fires of conflict. As I have matured, I find attraction directly proportional to the level of independence and personal satisfaction of the attractor. When we were dating she seemed so "together" and with it. She had independence, seemed very centered, self-assured, and generally happy.

Now she is either needy or extremely discontent and I either have to drop everything and cater to her or risk raising her ire. She says she doesn't want me to stop studying or work less, but yet she gets subtly passive aggressive upset when I pick up a book. She doesn't have much of a social life aside from me, gets upset at mild criticism too easily, and all but demands sex every night. I am still sexually capable, but I lose all attraction for the day when she begins to stomp about and act petulant. "Battle Axe" comes to mind. Being kind of Aspie, I am not much of a personal cheerleader or verbal entertainer unless you like listening to talks about history and politics and arts.

I'm in quite a pickle now as even counseling doesn't really work since at the session she acts like everything is okay. It's not and we either need to fix this, which I think will take some personal bucket work on her part and some careful planning on mine, or resolve to admit we're not right for each other.

First of all, welcome back to WP!

Have you tried discussing things with your partner?

I second Tim_Tex, talk to her. My GF and i have said that my studies are first and she is second. She accepts that. So be straig until I am finishedht and honest with her, at least that is something we are good at. Don't hide, we have the uncanny ability to be too honest, maybe it is time you are that honest, just don't go over the top.

Secondly a relationship is sharing and taking care of each other, ie you two are independent of the rest of the world, not you and she are independent, kinda like you are independent of mom but your stomach is till dependent on you, bad example but hopefully makes the point.
Point being that in that relationship you two need to care for each other. If she is needy for A, deal with with her, for her, for this living breathing relationship you two have, like your stomach is hungry you need to feed it

Well what I meant on independence is her ability to thrive without reassurance or attention from me. I agree; we need to feed the garden, but the nature of the clinginess, and neediness will need to be explained by me in more detail later

Yeah, it sounds like she is not so much "needy" as a person, as a centered, independent person being thrown off center by failing to get what she needs from her primary relationship.

You are in a relationship, which means you have to relate. If you willingly pay more attention to her, she will find her own social circles and interests eventually.

She may be upset because she's getting mixed signals about the intensity of your affection. Also, she may be distressed because now that you're living together she may feel like you take her for granted.

Do what you will, but don't blame her for her feelings. They don't really change who she is, as feeings are just a reaction to different environmental stressors.

Don't blame her for her feelings? Individualism is one of my primary ideaologies and I believe that all sane people are responsible for their actions or reactions in some manner.

I do give her attention and I cook for us almost every other night which is more than she cooks for me.

Here's the rest of the deal. In the past when she got upset about one of our disagreements, or I started to fal asleep having failed to make advances on her, then went to bed at 2am to talk, and I started to fall asleep again by 2:30 or 3am, but unfortunately while she was talking she got really mad. That first time was not the only time, but it was the first and cemented in my mind. She literally slammed her hands down on the bed right next to my head and upper body. Anytime I disgaree with her she takes it personally, gets mad looking, and acts like it's the end of the world. She also jerks her body away from me or gets a mad ass expression if I try to come close and comfort her.

I am starting to feel that she is slightly spoiled in that she was allowed to grow up with "thin skin" (an expression or colloquialism)
and that she was not ready for this.

I also recognize that I may be no good for long term relationships. I unfortunately though, like social interaction and hanging out with people, but I need my serious pursuit alone time as well. I'm no good for entertaining other adults.

Last edited by 0hanrahan on 22 Feb 2009, 12:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It sounds like you have seriously mismatched expectations.

How long after moving in together did you go back to school?

If she was used to more of your time and attention than she's getting now, then maybe she feels deprived. How long will you be back in school for? If you're comfortable with it, maybe you need to talk to her and explain how she fits into your life/your joint lives at the moment, and how that might change in the future, i.e. you need to finish another year or three years at school, and then you can get a better job, and in the scheme of things, her being patient for the next couple of years while you *both* have to compromise, well, a couple of years in the context of potentially spending a lifetime with one another isn't really very much to ask.

Have you discussed having children together, or is that a long term plan? If so, tell her how importantly to take that future responsibility, and you're working towards improving your career prospects, so that in the future you'll be able to support your family.

It sounds as though she's acting all petulant because circumstances have changed and she no longer knows where she fits into your life. She may just need reassuring that she does fit in to your life in the long term, but you just have to make some compromises in the short term. It might also help if you can set a regular 'date night' or give her something to look forward to. Instead of just saying 'not now, not tonight, I'm busy, or I'm tired', say 'not now, not tonight, I'm busy, or I'm tired, but how about we go and watch a movie on Thursday? Or how about we go for a walk and a picnic on Sunday?' that way, although she doesn't have your time and attention in the present, you've not totally rejected her, you've given her a promise of your time in the future, something to look forward to, something to reassure her that you do, in fact, still want to spend time with her (she may have been feeling rejected) and you do still care about her.

Honestly. What do women expect of men in relationships? I guess maybe I'm not ready to make all of my individual time couple time.

It goes to movies too. Sometimes I'll want to watch something with her, but she'll either get on her laptop or say she's not interested and do something else. She acted one way and pretended to share all my viewing interests in the beginning, and now she only wants to watch her stuff.