Need advice on meeting women.
Ok, here's the short version of the story, I'm 19, and never even come CLOSE to having a girlfriend in my life. My problem is i can almost NEVER meet women who interest me. I think part of this comes from the fact that i am EXTREMELY shy.
The second is this, I NEVER talk to someone unless i think i have something in common i can actually talk about with them (usually something relating to video games, comics, or anime.)
So, despite the fact that one of my prerequisites for even having an INTEREST in a girl is having a common interest, i have yet to meet anyone like that. I'm out of ideas, anyone have suggestions?
I think one of the problems with AS is, you get caught up in meeting the girl, finding the girl, etc. or even just getting the first date... but sooner or later the brick wall of AS comes between you and you just cannot connect. I think the solution is trying to find someone who you have a lot in common with, so for you maybe going to comic/video game conventions would be a start. I think having a some very solid common ground is essential for going anywhere with a woman if you have AS. Even if it just turns out to be a 1 night thing, I think you need the common ground for her to feel comfortable around you, because we usually don't do good first impressions.
I think there are probably not as many women who are into anime, gaming, etc., as there are women, period.
One of the most interesting (and scariest) things about a relationship is that you open yourself to another mind, with ambitions, needs, and interests that are not yours. Granted, you should probably start by hanging out where you'd meet women that are interested in anime, etc.
Broadening your horizons (at least slightly), would give you a larger number of women to choose from. There are even some women out there that like the idea of a guy they can 'turn on' to one thing or another.
Steer towards your interests, but don't be bound by them; in other words, don't rule out a woman because she doesn't like Japanese cartoons, etc. Might just work out.
Optician_Of_Urza
Snowy Owl
Joined: 18 Jan 2009
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 168
Location: Reading, England
The second is this, I NEVER talk to someone unless i think i have something in common i can actually talk about with them (usually something relating to video games, comics, or anime.)
So, despite the fact that one of my prerequisites for even having an INTEREST in a girl is having a common interest, i have yet to meet anyone like that. I'm out of ideas, anyone have suggestions?
Add a year to your age and you're in a similar position to me. My problem is that I find some women like this but they are either taken or not interested.
_________________
"Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest." - Samuel "Mark Twain" Clemens
The second is this, I NEVER talk to someone unless i think i have something in common i can actually talk about with them (usually something relating to video games, comics, or anime.)
So, despite the fact that one of my prerequisites for even having an INTEREST in a girl is having a common interest, i have yet to meet anyone like that. I'm out of ideas, anyone have suggestions?
In short: Broaden your horizons. There are a lot more exciting things out there than comic books and computer games, trust me.
The second is this, I NEVER talk to someone unless i think i have something in common i can actually talk about with them (usually something relating to video games, comics, or anime.)
So, despite the fact that one of my prerequisites for even having an INTEREST in a girl is having a common interest, i have yet to meet anyone like that. I'm out of ideas, anyone have suggestions?
In short: Broaden your horizons. There are a lot more exciting things out there than comic books and computer games, trust me.
I agree. I used to be into that stuff, but now I rarely even play games and I have a new PS3. My problem is that I only have a few peripheral interests. My biggest interests are finishing school, working, and spirituality. I also keep in shape. I have no life apart from these things really... I just sit on my ass at home otherwise. I don't have much spare time now because I am taking so many classes and have a lot of H/W, and that makes it difficult to commit to anything new at the moment. I would like to get a p/t job but I'm not sure if I can swing that timewise either.
The second is this, I NEVER talk to someone unless i think i have something in common i can actually talk about with them (usually something relating to video games, comics, or anime.)
So, despite the fact that one of my prerequisites for even having an INTEREST in a girl is having a common interest, i have yet to meet anyone like that. I'm out of ideas, anyone have suggestions?
In short: Broaden your horizons. There are a lot more exciting things out there than comic books and computer games, trust me.
I agree. I used to be into that stuff, but now I rarely even play games and I have a new PS3. My problem is that I only have a few peripheral interests. My biggest interests are finishing school, working, and spirituality. I also keep in shape. I have no life apart from these things really... I just sit on my ass at home otherwise. I don't have much spare time now because I am taking so many classes and have a lot of H/W, and that makes it difficult to commit to anything new at the moment. I would like to get a p/t job but I'm not sure if I can swing that timewise either.
Reading books works quite well - pick a few up whose blurbs interest you and read them. They can be often amazing conversation fodder. Even better though a lot of the time is todays news - everyone can talk about it as a topic.
i go to many social justice, volunteering, museum, billiards, and other meetup group events plus church and so on and I have not met a single woman my age who is remotely interested in me.. i reach out to people. one girl emailed me that she appreciates me being so welcoming and open and that she would love to hang out with me and my buddy, but she is a college educated NT and way out of my league
i will keep reaching out to people and some day i will find someone who accepts me and enjoys my company.
i will keep reaching out to people and some day i will find someone who accepts me and enjoys my company.
Don't be so hard on yourself -- she may very well be in your league. You sabotage yourself by passing on chances because you are afraid. It's natural to be afraid, but shy behavior is self-fulfilling.
Being college educated does make life a lot easier I guess. Also its a lot easier to pull there...
Might want to look at how exactly you reach out to people.
Billsmithglendale and Kangoogle, thanks for your replies!
I introduce myself to people at the meetup events, make small talk, try to make comments relevant to what THEY say, but my asperger's is so obvious, most people think I am weird and are not too interested. Plus I never know when a girl likes me or when she is being friendly out of charity or politeness. And I do not want to harass or annoy girls and "wear out my welcome."
I introduce myself to people at the meetup events, make small talk, try to make comments relevant to what THEY say, but my asperger's is so obvious, most people think I am weird and are not too interested.
So really the question is how to hide it - or to go someone where being weird is not only socially acceptable, its nearer the norm. The former option is quite often more than possible though.
Hmm - my advice here would be to bring a friend along. Oh, whilst at it I should suggest some reading to do that you may find useful. Leil Lowndes and Neil Strauss are both authors I would start with myself. If you want to go all the way, I recommend conversational hypnosis (the course by Ledochowski is pretty amazing)
Well, it is good to be conscientious and to not wear out your welcome or not misconstrue things -- however, you also have to watch out for being hypersensitive or reading more into someone's percieved lack of interest than maybe them just having a bad day. You also may be hypersensitive about your Aspie-ness -- trust me, everyone's weird, even the NT's.
Women are also all about subtlety, so they pretty much will never be as direct about things as guys want them to be. With eachother, they are very good at picking up these social cues, but even most NT guys have a very hard time interpreting many female signals, so you're not alone there.
Some notes on dealing with NT's and girls (and girl NT's) --
Let them talk a lot, and be sure to ask them polite questions about things they are interested in or mentioned, like where they live, where they are from, their hobbies, etc. Always look interested. And remember what they said -- they will be impressed if you mention a detail at some other date of what they had mentioned before. Resist the urge to go on and on (like a professor) about anything you know a lot about, unless they ask you to really explain something. One or two sentences is enough -- the "professor mode" is a big problem for Aspies in conversation, one I fall into too readily (as my posts show
)
For women, specifically -- if she's not normally a flirt, her touching you a lot is a good sign (unless she also touches other people a lot). Her spending time around you a lot when she doesn't have to (like in her spare time) and doesn't need anything from you (like help with homework or studying) is another good sign. Lots of eye contact when talking to you, smiling -- good signs. Btw, I know eye contact is an Aspie problem, but try to train yourself to maintain it (without it ending up being a staring contest), it really helps.
If you catch a woman across the room or in a group always looking at you (and then looking away quickly when you catch them), that's another good sign. It doesn't guarantee anything, but it's a sign someone might be attracted to you.
And most importantly, just keep meeting people, stay in contact, use social networking tools like Facebook, e-mails, etc. Eventually someone will pan out, so in the interim, keep things polite, don't be a pest, do be friendly, and do have fun and be happy. Women love a happy person who enjoys their life. They shy away from depressed or moody guys who don't have a goal for themselves.
If you like any of my advice, please do a search on my name -- I have a lot of other stuff here in this forum, including a very long post on my philosophies and experiences in the "Nice Guys" sticky thread at the top.
Women are also all about subtlety, so they pretty much will never be as direct about things as guys want them to be. With eachother, they are very good at picking up these social cues, but even most NT guys have a very hard time interpreting many female signals, so you're not alone there.
Some notes on dealing with NT's and girls (and girl NT's) --
Let them talk a lot, and be sure to ask them polite questions about things they are interested in or mentioned, like where they live, where they are from, their hobbies, etc. Always look interested. And remember what they said -- they will be impressed if you mention a detail at some other date of what they had mentioned before. Resist the urge to go on and on (like a professor) about anything you know a lot about, unless they ask you to really explain something. One or two sentences is enough -- the "professor mode" is a big problem for Aspies in conversation, one I fall into too readily (as my posts show
For women, specifically -- if she's not normally a flirt, her touching you a lot is a good sign (unless she also touches other people a lot). Her spending time around you a lot when she doesn't have to (like in her spare time) and doesn't need anything from you (like help with homework or studying) is another good sign. Lots of eye contact when talking to you, smiling -- good signs. Btw, I know eye contact is an Aspie problem, but try to train yourself to maintain it (without it ending up being a staring contest), it really helps.
If you catch a woman across the room or in a group always looking at you (and then looking away quickly when you catch them), that's another good sign. It doesn't guarantee anything, but it's a sign someone might be attracted to you.
And most importantly, just keep meeting people, stay in contact, use social networking tools like Facebook, e-mails, etc. Eventually someone will pan out, so in the interim, keep things polite, don't be a pest, do be friendly, and do have fun and be happy. Women love a happy person who enjoys their life. They shy away from depressed or moody guys who don't have a goal for themselves.
If you like any of my advice, please do a search on my name -- I have a lot of other stuff here in this forum, including a very long post on my philosophies and experiences in the "Nice Guys" sticky thread at the top.
Billsmithglendale and Kangoogle and billsmithglendale
for your replies
You see, this is why i like being a nerd, no one things any less of you if you have a few odd mannerisms, and ALL nerds are weird one way or another.
On a related note, i doubt i could make it work with an NT anyway, be too hard to connect, i find it easier to relate to other aspies.... come to think of it, i can only think of ONE friend i have who's an NT. One out of five.
Anyway, i honestly think you shouldn't HAVE to hide your oddness among people, if someone is turned off by the way you are, they're not WORTH persuing, because they won't accept you as you are.
And isn't being able to look past someone's differences and faults what love is supposed to be about?
On a related note, i doubt i could make it work with an NT anyway, be too hard to connect, i find it easier to relate to other aspies.... come to think of it, i can only think of ONE friend i have who's an NT. One out of five.
Anyway, i honestly think you shouldn't HAVE to hide your oddness among people, if someone is turned off by the way you are, they're not WORTH persuing, because they won't accept you as you are.
And isn't being able to look past someone's differences and faults what love is supposed to be about?
i would hate to be married to an NT woman who was unhappy and unsatisfied with me - better be alone than in a blaming relationship like that. if she would rather be with an NT man, she should not be with me.
