Ok so she is coming to visit

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For many months I've been talking to this girl online, on the phone, and a few times on webcam. Since my spring break is about to start she is going to come up and stay with me for about a week. We are also gonna try and find her work because we want to move in together. Now the problem. I live with my parents and haven't actually told them all this. In fact they dont even know about her at all. They will most certainly object so I figured my best choice is to force them into a yes. Underhanded I know but she is basically emptying her savings for this trip and no freakin way I'm gonna let something like permission stop me especially after they let my brothers girlfriend mooch off us.

I am however making this as benificial to them as possible. She will be giving them 50 bucks for their trouble, and paying for all her own food. It will actually put more money into their pockets. Plus she will help with the cooking and cleaning, both of which are things she does to relax.

I dont know what to do, should I tell them, and hope they understand (which I highly doubt because of how things have been) or litterally just have her show up with luggage

You should tell your parents first. They might not react badly, but if they do, they will react even worse if she just shows up with her suitcases. You should probably also tell your online friend, just so she knows about the problem.

first of all, congrats on finding someone you like. but, i think that it will be a nightmare. first of all she will sleep with you on the first day. why? because women feel like they know a man after talking to him online. second, i would caution you against stds. women who meet with men they met online are not nuns. i would never have sex with someone i met on the internet - not after she tested negative for HIV, HEP A/B, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea and so on. statistically 4/5 women have an std. you could tell her that you both should go to a free public health clinic that tests people or stds and both give each other papers that you are both clean. use condoms obviously. having said that, talking to a girl online means that probably you won't be able to live together at this point in time. i recommend that you guys slow down. you do not want to have a destitute girlfriend rooming with you out of necessity, having fights with you and so on. my feeling is that if you both rush into this you may very well ruin it. if you take it slow on the other hand, start by visiting each other and going out for coffee/movies. then sleep over on the weekends. NTs at my workplace move in with their boyfriends only after a year or a couple of years dating.

the fact that she does not have a job, well, you need get your parents to agree to house her for a period of time. that is more or less normal, but parents are probably not going to be understanding. but if you talk with them very honestly, they might be sympathetic to your situation.

does that girl have good parents? where is she living right now and who is supporting her? has she ever had a job? will she be able to move out of your apartment if she wants to?

but what the heck do i know - ive never had a gf lol.

and dude if you need any specific advice - feel free to pm me.
jeff

Parents are not goblins/ferengi. The blunt logic of profit is irrelevant.

I'm agreei'n to all the OPs and adding that decieving one's parents is THE fastest way toward estranging them and most likely becoming manipulative.

(Decieving manipulators are what I consider the Fallen state of the angels I call aspie/auties. It's not your nature or mine to decieve, because it's too socially subtle. When you DO get the hang of it, however, like I have in the past, the results are....euh...Still picking up the pieces one year later. DON'T DECIEVE. Especially when hormoaned/with important stuff)

four out of five women dont have STDs, thats an insane statistic. If any communicable disease was that wide-spread 100% of the population would have it within only about a decade or two.

but not to argue that. We have been taking it slow, I met her six months ago, and I told her I'm not ready for a serious relationship. There isn't really isn't much of an option but to stay with me, we live far apart. If she is willing to put the time and money to come here least I can do is give her a place to stay. Though I dont see why you think meeting a girl online changes her attitude on sex. I'd think higher of a girl that meets a guy after months of talking to him then a girl at a bar I take home the same night.

She is currently living with her dad and is gonna be coming here for schooling. We have discussed these things at length.

I have of course also told her I live with my family, and haven't told them, and even of the possibility that her showing up might be the first they know about it. Thats why she is bringing money to give them as a token of good faith, and why she is handling her own expences. This is also a trial period for us, we know living with someone can change things so we want to make sure we can hangle it before getting a place together

dude your parents will freak even she brings them money. you do not own the place you live in and you cannot take in room mates without the parents permission.

so she is going to live off campus? if she is 18, she is still just a kid.

so you think mentioning she is willing to give them money is a bad idea?

i think money is irrelevant - your parents will freak out when she shows up whether or not she pays them rent.

just tell your parents that you've been talking to a girlfriend on the phone, that she is coming to this area and that she is the best woman you've come across in your life. be honest. they might be willing to accommodate you. I'd recommend that you ask your girlfriend to talk to your parents on the phone and to agree on how she will help out with washing dishes, taking out the trash, where she will sleep, and so on. be honest. have your parents and her dad talk about it on the phone too. your girlfriend's dad might freak out that his daughter is living with a guy and his family. talking about this openly with him will really smooth things out.

I would suggest somehow telling them before she arrives,
and does she know that they dont know she`s comming?
They should be happy that you have met someone, so
maybe start with telling them that and then that she`s
gonna visit. Sounds great that you have met someone
so i hope you avoid any huge drama that can for example
make her leave and make your parents really really pissed
at you.

Good luck, hope it works out and if i were to give a yes or no
answer, then i would say no, dont spring such a surprise on
your folks, sounds like trouble will come of it. And again, if
she doesnt know she`s not welcomed by all then that will be
a nasty surprise probably and it will make you look not too
good.

Last edited by ImTheGuyThatDidThat on 05 Mar 2009, 3:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

agreed. be careful not lose her TRUST.

well then now I have the problem of timing, she will be here in two days and with how things have been I can assure you lately it would be bad to bring this up

just talk to everyone RIGHT NOW and get everyone on the same page. tell your girlfriend everything

Ah. So you think it is going to be better when a woman your parents have never even heard of arrives on their doorstep expecting to live with them for a week or more.

Most people would want a warning if someone was coming to dinner. So coming to stay...

You have to come clean immediately. They may not want her to stay but may have some other solution.

She needs to know what she is letting herself in for. Arriving at a place where people did not know you were coming and may not want you is not a whole lot of fun.

Take responsibility and start working on a solution now.

Sounds to me like you are in big trouble mister...

As bad as it will be to bring it up now, it will probably be twice as bad to have her arrive unannounced....

The fact that you can't even bring this up with your parents doesn't sound very encouraging

I'm an aspie remember, I already analyzed the circumstances and my parents behavioral tendencies and deduced the most likely outcome. I haven't been delaying because I think it would be better not to tell them, I am delaying because I doubt it will matter. At the very least my mom's obsession with keeping family issues private would keep her from voicing complaints infront of her. Doesn't matter I didn't go with that

Just told my mom, conclusion, as I predicted instant disapproval. Why? because I met her off the internet, well partly, the other part is they simply dont want someone else living here. By the way she talked it was clear even if it was my best friend that she has met and I knew for years, she would still say no. I of course countered by presenting a logical arguement that showed the error in her points and how there is ultimately no reasonable excuse to not let her.

But her being NT, not like she needs a reason beyond "because I said so"

oh there was another reason I didn't tell them. I honestly doubt she will be coming and I didn't want to look like an idiot