Asperger GIRLS in Love

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Hi Everyone

I just read the book 'Aspergers in Love' [sic] and was surprised to find that all of the accounts were about AS guys with NT girls.
I'm an 18 yr old AS girl and I'm wondering about love. I hear so often that aspies can't feel love like NTs do and I'm wondering what your experience is of this. As a girl I'd particularly like to hear from other girls but guys, don't feel left out!

I want to know: what does love feel like to you, and what do you think the differences are with NT love?

Sorry if this seems a silly question!

The last time I had a girlfriend was 6 years ago, when I was 16. I'll try my best to remember.

But first off, it really depends on what sort of "love". I reckon that during the stage between 13-19 (or 20) it's kind of experimental. Of course, there's definite love that AS guys like me can feel for their parents/guardians, but during my experience with my girlfriend, with love in the BGR context, it ended up being a mutual satisfaction of each other's emotional and physical needs/wants. I think I was incredibly fortunate because this girl was a pragmatist, as I never knew the "rules" of the "game" and overlooked all of the 'offences' I committed that could've made any other girl immensely disappointed.

I wouldn't know right now, however. My current job and circumstances leave me without the time nor money to court anyone. And how would I think the differences are with NT love? Hell, I wouldn't know. Have to be in their shoes first, and sure as heck it's impossible for me.

This is extremely interesting. I myself have trouble believing that compliments directed at me are truthful. But in a safe setting where I get sufficient visual and physical feedback, I somehow start to believe it. Compliments regarding my physical appearance or my intelligence are generally never believed. I tend to think that people say them to make me happy, but don't really mean it. I've deducted that the reason is because I hate my own appearance, and only I know what is going on inside my head anyway.

Love, as I define it, is a matter of accepting and liking another person's essence, complete with both perfections and imperfections, to the degree of wanting to spend all your time with that person.

I think that Aspergers are perfectly capable of loving, but have difficulties feeling loved by others.

An interesting observation. I would consider myself more capable of love than the average NT but I have an extremely hard time believing that I am loved. Especially since no one's actions have ever held up to their claims.

For me, love is an absolute. An obsession, if you will. Everything is about the person that I love and I will do anything for them. My thoughts center on them all the time and I want to be with them every second of the day. This is where the 'not feeling loved' part comes in, I think, because others do not treat me this way. Since this is what love is to me, then that means they must not really love me...

I agree with you 100%! !! You just described how I feel it.

My perception of love is liking the person for who they are instead of an idealization or what you want them to be. It's a genuine, mutual respect that comes from admiring the person as is, warts and all. Love is coming to terms with other's "faults" or shortcomings (i.e. understanding the challenges that come with having AS) and working around them.

I guess the ideal partner for a person on the spectrum would be someone who sees the person as intelligent, creative, individualistic, free spirited, honest, loyal and loving. Love is all about seeing, embracing and admiring positive and unique traits in a person. For example, I do presentations on AS for school boards and resource centres, and my ex always asked about them. He even came to one I did and was blown away, simply because my AS experience was not something that everyone had, and also that I could speak about it to 600+ people so freely!

I feel for you. From the other side, even if I feel that way about someone, I cannot demonstrate it 24/7. I wish I could, because that's what I feel.

I wish I had that insight. You've described me exactly.

Love is that thing that makes me happy to run out in the middle of
the night to get food or whatever because she wants it. Its that thing
that makes me really worried if she is sick, and the thing that makes
me really happy when she does well. Its the thing that can make me
care so much for a person that i will do anything if she asks me for help
or need help, anything. Its the thing that makes me want to spend time
with her and the thing that makes me miss her when she`s away. Love
is caring, appriciating and shearing, love is enjoying the good times together
and fighting the bad ones together. Love to me is companionship, two people
wanting the best for each other, enjoying each other on many different
levels and making each other happy And its always there, it doesn`t
matter if you`re i the same room or 500 miles apart for a while, it always
lingers around in the background if it first takes hold and for as long as it
lasts - oh, and its that thing that make me forget everything else when she
looks into my eyes and i can see that she loves me also...love is so many
things, i would be a fool to try and list them all here.

(i know some wont agree and claim this to be a pile of hopeless
clichês, but i have been lucky and felt it, and this is what love
is to me - not a book of rules on how it is - its how i feel it,
nothing more)

Thank you all for your replies, this is very interesting to me.

I have had that feeling that I want to be with someone but I didn't quite believe that they would want to be with me, and I mistrust it somehow. I haven't had much experience with boys but one guy once told me that he didn't think I was romantic... I think he meant that I wasn't making big spontaneous gestures of affection.

I have spent a lot of time in my own company growing up so I don't really feel like I 'need' someone else around, but I'm getting older (19 this year!) and would like to try to have a relationship with someone... but I think I have to learn how to connect first.

I totally forgot, i dont know how it is for others
but love is something that blossoms out of a
friendship for me - i didnt just suddenly stumble
upon love in a hurry, i met someone who became
a friend, and we just started to hang around with
each other, she called, i called, then we move in
together and lived together for many years, it
was very nice

""one guy once told me that he didn't think I was romantic... I think he meant that I wasn't making big spontaneous gestures of affection.""

Just so you know, theres alot of different guys out there,
my ex didnt have a romantic bone in her body, and i saw
no problem in that this was a tomboy, she suckerpunched
me as a way of saying hello dear tuff girls are
..okay, she could be a little romantic now and then, i`ll
give her that. Anyway, good luck, hope you meet someone
nice

Last edited by ImTheGuyThatDidThat on 18 Mar 2009, 8:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

To be quite honest, I don't think you'll be able to 'connect' in the sense that I believe you're meaning it, unless you trust him one hundred percent and that everything he says is perceived as truthful. Aspergers have a tendency to analyze every small detail into the extreme, making subtle, well meant 'signals' into big, bothersome problems. You will need to learn to talk about feelings and teach him how to do the same. He doesn't need to understand your inner workings (that's impossible anyway), but he needs to understand how you perceive small, 'insignificant' situations and your feelings towards them. I believe your perfect man has a lot of patience and offers you his attention whenever you need it.

^
Yeah, trust is very important - without trust
i would never have been with anyone, have
to be able to trust the person with everything
and talk together


---edit
crap, i didnt notice this sentence, sorry

""As a girl I'd particularly like to hear from other girls""

when they don't love me like that, and start backing away with 'that look' in their eyes. . .I know that they don't love like I love and again, I have squanderd my rich and deep devotion and cherishing on another limp and shallow mortal.

yeah, mitharatowen, you got my love life pegged.

Merle

Love's basically the same as a drug high, except it's more expensive and more dangerous.

QFT