I need help to override a basic instinct.

Post Reply New Topic

I have this constant urge to find someone. A constant urge that’s telling me I don’t want to be alone and that I need someone to love. Frankly I’m tired of this feeling it only leads to pain. Is there anyone out there who has found out a way to override this basic instinct? I really need help. I just want to get my life together and stop looking but the pain will not go away. My brain is telling me I do not need someone but my heart will not leave me alone.

Nope. Can't relate. At the moment, I'm so disgusted with the whole thing that I can't imagine ever wanting to get married again or wanting to have any kind of relationship, ever again.

But I can offer a kind of cold, clinical sympathy, if that's worth anything. I was going to skip this one and move on to the next thread, but I had a thought.

If they can invent viagra and stuff like that, why can't they invent something that does the opposite? Not for all the time or permanent, but just for the roughest spots? The worst of it will fade a little over the years. And might there already be some folk remedy?

It's funny how the less desperate you seem, the more attractive you become.

I heard somewhere:
"We may not be strong enough to live on truth alone, but maybe we don't have to be"
Make of it what you will.
Maybe what you want is a sense of romance and meaning. You can find that in other ways. Religion is good if you can really believe it (believe it or not, there are logical reason to be religious too). Or just believe in the Thoreuean romance of the loner...

You don't have to give up on relationships entirely either. Even if you give up for a while, you can still believe in the possibilities if it helps you to sleep.

And if you really try and you don't seem too desperate, you might get into a relationship yet.

I've felt like you do so many times.

Judge, your quote is from the opening theme of Bleach.....isn't it? -.-

I know how you feel mcrakin. I'd have given up on the whole thing and resigned myself to being alone a LONG time ago without that stupid compulsion
I truly wish i could help, but as i've had no success either finding anyone, OR making myself not want to, i honestly don't have anything in the way of useful advice.

Last edited by aka010101 on 08 Mar 2009, 10:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Masturbation? I'm sorry if that's blunt but it's the only way I can think of to say it.

yeah, well, masturbation doesn't bring you soup when you are sick, share your joy when you get that job or go with you to your parent's funeral or . . .

Merle

Neither does that jerk in the other room. Does your guy have a brother?

I get what you're saying. But I didn't mean masturbation is a substitute for love.
It's merely a way to get rid of hormones, as viagra increases them.

Yes, I can definitely relate... I was asking the same question when I first came here. These painful emotions serve no practical purpose, and you wish you could just "delete" them. What helps me, though, is to override it with the instinct of self-preservation, which is a stronger instinct. Try to think of the opposite gender as potential enemies instead of potential lovers. I'm not saying to actually "make" enemies, just think about the "potential" for hostility if you ever got involved with one. Think about all the things which go wrong in relationships... most of them are full of nasty fights and arguments and they end in a break-up/divorce. You're fortunate that you don't have to go through all that.

You see, the key is to stop associating relationships with happiness and instead associate them with misery (like Tahitiii does) so that you can feel better about being single.

Edit: And yes, I fully endorse the research into creating anti-aphrodisiacs, because it would solve a lot more problems than Viagra does.

Last edited by Cyberman on 09 Mar 2009, 6:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

Get a dog. It worked for me.
(English Mastiff. Lots to love. <3)

not me. i never had a desire to have anyone live with me. i prefer to be alone. in fact i demand it nowadays.
i do have a girlfriend (she is mildy intellectually handicapped) who comes over once per week at 7.30pm on saturday and leaves at 10.30am on sunday.
both of us have had enough by that stage. we have a great time playing music and stuff on saturday night, but when she gets up on sunday, i am glued to the computer and not interested in the slightest in anything else.
yesterday (sunday @ 10am) i was refining the config file for the flight dynamics of one of my planes (flight simulator). i offered to show her and she was crosseyed in boredom and she was tired, and she just said "wow" in a completely dead and disinterested way, and then she went and slumped in the lounge.
i felt like i did not want a bored person sitting behind me so i wanted her to go.

she is overweight and has a voracious appetite in the mornings, so i said "what are you going to have for breakfast?". she did not know so i said "i suppose you'll go to the chicken shop at wahroonga (a nearby suburb on her way home) and get a chicken kebab (she adores them). or else i could make you boiled eggs (she does not like them) and toast".

she said "ohh god a kebab would hit the spot" and i sad "well i will ring the taxi".

(by the way, i give her $80 every time she goes home so i am not being a bastard for not driving her. her cab fare is $30 to get home, and her chicken kebab is about $5, so she makes a profit).

---------------------


i once had a girl who thought she could be my girlfriend who was smart and slim and very pretty. i liked her a lot as a once per week friend, but she always wanted to stay the next day and i became impatient to get back to my own thing, so she respected my wishes and went.
however, one day, she turned up with a bag and said that she had nowhere to live for 5 days, so she asked if she could live with me for that time. i asked if she had tried every other alternative, and she said she had.

so i let her stay. it was a nightmare. she wanted to put some "sparkle" in my life. she wanted to rearrange the furniture and hang pictures on the walls and put vases with flowers in them on all my tables. she was a very melodramatic person. she said "oh mark...these walls are all blank! don't you want to have some prettiness in your life?". i could not see the sense in pictures because they are visual distractions to me. i like big blank beige walls. i do not like hotch potches of "colored squares" (as pictures look in my peripheral vision) everywhere to crowd me in.

flowers in vases smell, and they are easily knocked over and spilt. they must be attended to which is a chore.

my furniture is the way i want it and that is that.

so she felt deflated and offended that i did not react eagerly to her attempts to improve my habitat, and she became more and more sullen over the next 2 days. she persisted in "saving" me and threw out 3 pairs of my favorite tracksuit pants and some tee s**ts that had holes in them, and i was annoyed and said she should not have done it. she wanted me to go to a clothing store with her so we could get a nice fashionable set of clothes for me. i have plenty of money, but i refused because i did not want to go. she tried to coax me by acting like a kitten and saying "pweeze pweeze pweeze" etc, and tickling my cheeks while she was smiling at me, but i did not smile and said "no" over and over.

i am far too stubborn i think, because if i initially think "no", there is no amount of persuasion that will change my mind.

anyway, she got off my lap and said "right!! ! f*ck you!! ! you are a lost cause buddy!! !! i've tried for 3 days to give you kindness and help, but you're a dead loss!! !! !".
(she was (is) bi-polar, and i think she switched poles suddenly at that time).
she packed up her stuff and i gave her money for a cab.

that is why i never want to live with anyone. i can never bend to their will, and i always will have my way.
if no one lives here then i always get my way and no one hates me for it.

sorry i tried to be brief, but a major problem in my mental design is verbosity and extraneousness .

Well there are two options here quite clearly:
(a) Get laid
(b) Give up.
Personally I find the former more attractive. Might want to read some books on the matter to see where you are going wrong.

Wait a minute. I didn't say all relationships are bad. I was just describing my feeling at the moment.

If you've never been the primary caregiver for a dog or cat, there's no way to really explain why it's so good for your mental health. (A pet your parents had when you were a little kid doesn't really count.) I think Mcrakin should have a small dog. For B9, I think a cat would work better. Either way, you might try it by offering to babysit for someone who is going on vacation.

Knowing yourself and why you do what you do is a good thing. Did you attempt to explain the "blank walls?" That made sense to me and it might have helped.
I understand what you're saying. Unfortunately, the way you describe your current relationship makes it sound like it's bordering on prostitution. Be careful how you phrase it. If she hears it the way I did when I first read it, she'll be gone in a heartbeat.

what are you talking about? your mind is jaded and needs to be dusted off and polished.

my current relationship is with a girl who i love and feel sorry for too. no one wants her love because she is not attractive to anyone. she is attractive to me. i want to help her never want for anything. she is poor and i am not, so i give her money.


and...i do not make love to her much ever. about once per month. she is very angry at my disinterest in her in a sexual way.

you automatically take the girls side as you are entrenched into thinking males are users who are sex obsessed and always guilty of some transgression.

good night i am tired.

I estimate that about 99% of them are bad or turn bad.