Okay, i got a problem/difficulty.

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Nomaken
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04 Jan 2006, 3:50 am

I don't want to pursue relationships with women unless i know that i have the chance to become their boyfriend. Which i know is really selfish and s**t, and i'm not proud of it, and it does bother me that i am that way a little. But i don't see much of a way to change it. I don't want sex, i want unlimited unconditional emotional support. The pefect person would provide not only that but a fascinating personality, sense of humor, interest in my mind and personality, and if the opportunity arises a pleasing body. (I really dislike how important a pleasing body is to me, but again i don't see how to change that.)

I know that if i pursued relationships with women all the time, and simply for their friendship it would be a whole lot easier for me to find the person right for me, but i have a general fear of interacting with women, and i would only confront that fear if a person told me there was a chance.

The women friends i do have were the girlfriends of other friends, and therefore off limits to me by my own choice. And then i developed a relationship with them. However i can't realistically use this as a method to meet potential girlfriends, it just doesn't happen enough.

I'm thinking seriously just now that perhaps i should people watch groups of friends of girls to see how they interact.


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hermit
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04 Jan 2006, 4:58 am

Not sure how old you are or if you have dated a few girls or not... here's my 0.03.

I think even NT's have trouble with this; for an Asperger's it can be a lot worse. Pretty much I've only gotten involved with women when they say "hey, you, let's go out." Otherwise I don't get it. Currently I'm single and pretty happy about it, but not really- like you said, "emotional support". Good sex is always a plus (and I think necessary for a successful LT relationship) so don't worry about liking a pleasing body.

As far as "I don't want to pursue relationships with women unless i know that i have a chance to become their boyfriend"... I agree, it can be tough. I think this is the equivalent of small talk- why do it? Sometimes I wish there was an interview process that was socially ok. "We just met 5 minutes ago but I need to ask you a few questions... first, do you find me at all attractive? Would you consider going to dinner with me if I was nice to you? Are you single, and what type of guy do you like?" Not that easy...

It does however bring to mind a story about Richard Feynman, an eccentric scientist... put him on the list of possible AS... he taught himself to keep time better than most clocks... anyway, apparently his social skill were well below par, so he adopted a rather blunt policy sometimes- literally asking women upon meeting them such questions as I was just thinking of. Worked for him I guess, but he was also a bit famous.

back to topic, it's relationship small talk. Girl friends may not seem important but they are... even more so than girlfriends. A good girl friend will introduce you to her friends, and just being out with her can make you more appealling to the new ones you meet. Not only that, you can ask her questions about the one you've the hots for. Or whatever. Watch groups of them, like you said, if it helps you learn, but remember a lot of people might think you're sketchy if you aren't careful. Hang out with those girls that were girlfriends of friends, they have friends...

Two other words that may be worth a shot, really:

Internet dating.

I've considered it for the one simple fact you mentioned as a fear. It's a huge thing with me, too, but with internet dating you know they are interested before you meet them. Bonus, big time. If I'm still alone in a year I may give it a shot.

Bah I know it's all a huge pain in the ass. I'd love to settle down with a sexy babe who loved me for my quirks and didn't mind taking care of me in some simple ways- I'd reciprocate in many other ways... yeah, a partner would be nice...

Good luck and let us know if you find the secret...



wandrew
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04 Jan 2006, 1:31 pm

Speed dating is another possibility: since you only have a few minutes to interact with each person, you can choose to filter out the BS and ask the questions you want to ask.

Good Luck!

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larsenjw92286
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04 Jan 2006, 4:18 pm

I wish you well!


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worsedale
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04 Jan 2006, 6:16 pm

Quote:
good girl friend will introduce you to her friends, and just being out with her can make you more appealling to the new ones you meet. Not only that, you can ask her questions about the one you've the hots for. Or whatever. Watch groups of them


I agree, as from my experience the crucial thing is to become part of a group of girls. But some girls don't seem to want that group situation to arise. In my case the relevant ones don't :) which is why I currently feel buggered and hopeless.