I think that I'm involved with an Aspie...

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Hello! I'm new to this site, and a female NT, I believe, so please excuse any of my faux pas. I think that I'm involved with a man who has AS, and I'm not sure how to keep this thing going,
especially with the emotional/physical differences. I'd appreciate any feedback!

Hi

It all depends what the problem is, is it communication? Because with me and my NT girlfriend, the only way we worked it out (this is just for me mind you!) was that we only see each other once, or twice a week, but we're totally loyal to each other.

Because, I found it hard to share my feelings except in overwhelming doses about the "logic" of my love, she either found me overwhelming or underwhelming all the time, and that was our problem, another aspect of our problem was me trying to be everything a "normal" boyfriend could be, as if I know, instead of just being myself.

Whoops got carried away there, anyway, what is the problem?

Welcome!

For now, there's a few points you can remember:

.Say exactly what you mean, DO NOT rely on body language/tone of voice
.Just because he's not looking, doesn't mean he's not listening.
.As long as you can be happy together, who gives a **** about what the neighbours think? No-one asked them.

Some more detail would be helpful though.

Yes, more detail would be helpful.

If your man seems to want to do things at certain times, then keep to his routine, as destroying it may destroy him. Also, try to plan things out beforehand and don't be sporadic. I'm AS and sporadic things drive me crazy - pre-planning is a great help.

Hi Thank you for replying!
First, it's so nice that you've found someone special.
Where do I begin? We met online,emailed for quite awhile, then finally met and spent a week together (we live in different countries). At first, I thought he was just very, very shy and
inexperienced, but knowing that one of his siblings has AS and then reading about it and seeing
he has some traits, symptoms(?) has lead me to believe he's an aspie. I've brought the subject up, but he hasn't replied. Everytime I think that's he's opening up a bit, he shuts down. When we were together, we really got along well, except for the physical aspect. Sex isn't on the top on his list of things to do (though he really did try). I know that I rushed it, but he's quite an adorable and cute guy. I know some will say that knowing that he probably has AS, I should
have waited. I really care for him and want to try have a relationship, but he wants to hold off on being intimate when we meet again, and I don't think that I can. Is this a common problem among aspies and NT's? This is a major frustration. I know that he cares about me, but is very
resistant to change. I know that maybe he shouldn't have to change, but he says he knows that he needs to try and wants to have a relationship (he has had a few). I am trying so to understand him and AS. I'm not sure how much of this can be worked on and how much just
can't because it's there for good.

in my opinion the way he's being is a good thing, when I used to start relationships, I would act the social deva, try to talk to everybody the girl hung out with (not realising it was only on like 3 topics I could do so) and drain so much of my own energy that I couldn't treat her right.

It seems to me he simply wants to take it at a comfortable pace, which is definately the best thing, so long as you're not bored or annoyed with that pace, I think you'll find he's tremendously loyal, with endless possibilities for growth in the sexual department.

I think I can say this mature enough for it to be allowed here, I used to be terrible in bed, until I actually spent time with someone close, LEARNING how to be passionate without being terrified, it took a lot in the beginning, but now days I'm a beast of passion, and my partner is totally amazed at the change, she says she always knew such an animal was inside

shared too much again hahah

For what it's worth, my view is that Aspies are wonderfully loyal people and also surprisingly passionate once you get to know them. However the "getting to know" bit can be difficult as many Aspies are quite contradictory and prone to anxiety.

Ironically, the quickest way to get an anxious man to talk is normally to tell him that there's no pressure, everything will be ok and he can just take his time. He will then feel secure enough to open up. Pressure, fuss and guilt DO NOT WORK. I think this is true for most men, but particularly for Aspies who are more likely to be anxious, scared, stressed or confused than the average NT.

You sound very caring and thoughtful, and you've taken the effort to find out more here on WP, so I think you'll get on just fine.

In fact, you don't have a sister who's single, do you?

Well, coming on Wrongplanet was a good first step.

Seeing as aspies don't innately know the social rules, is there a possibility that he's not entirely sure how to go about it?

Thank you everyone I really feel like I'm a visitor on another planet-this is all so new to me.
You guys are giving me hope about trying to figure this out, deal with it and make it work.
I have so many questions.... I'm not sure what I can put on this site, some of it is 'mature'
in nature. It seems like many haven't ever been in relationships or don't want to be
(as Seinfeld would say, 'and there's nothing wrong with that') so maybe I can't expect much
feedback. Also, I don't want to bore those who aren't into getting together with someone.
So, anyone with any questions or advice, please feel free to PM me here.
Sociable_hermit: I don't have a sister,etc. for you, otherwise, I would send them your way!
You seem like a sweet guy, and I'm sure you'll find someone. Have you tried online? You
just have to be honest about what's going on. Good Luck!

Thanks! I haven't done the whole 'internet dating' thing because it seems quite risky, and I don't like having to sell myself like that. Might reconsider now, though.

If you have sensitive things to discuss, there is an Adult Forum here on WP. One good thing about Aspies is they're generally very honest and straightforward (except for the odd bit of random humour!) and not easily shocked, so the advice on 'taboo' subjects is excellent. There are also separate Men's and Women's Forums if you have any questions with a gender bias.

We only know each other through our computer screens, so you'll always be relatively anonymous. Embarrassment is less of an issue that way.

SH: Yes, the online dating scene can be really shallow, etc. You have to go through alot of BS
sometimes, and maybe people with AS can't/don't want to deal with that (maybe good idea after
all). Because there seems to be difficulty reading body language, etc. though, online could be
a good way to start. I don't think I ever would have met the man I'm (hopefully) still involved with anywhere else. Thank you for the adult forum info, I didn't scroll down enough to see it.

One word of caution: "Adult" topics fall into two categories - genuine debate about adult issues, and 'gross-out' topics which can't be discussed elsewhere. This has caused a lot of debate recently as not everyone enjoys sick humour etc..

It's normally pretty obvious from the Topic titles whether something is heartfelt or twisted, but I thought I'd better warn you. Especially as I don't want you reading a load of very wierd posts and then thinking I'm a sicko for sending you there!

Forget any advice I've given, the one thing I asked my partner not do to, THE ONE TINY THING was simply tell me if she's gotta get away, or let me know if she doesn't want to hear or speak to me.

She sends me a message picking on my spelling (cause I very rarely get it wrong) then says "I'M GONE!" and ignores my calls.

This is the worst moment for me, I obsess over someone, I give them everything I can give, we plan to only see each other once a week, she promises she can respect my relatively easy wishes...

Why else would she do this but to hurt me? Knowing it'll leave me begging simply to hear her voice... I hate being controlled but don't know what else to do.....

edit: I'll quit whining, and just deal with it, I'm sure many of you were thinking "shutup at least you get some"

If only I could get her out my head!

definately, found peace in some noise