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KittenWithAWhip
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03 Jun 2009, 6:08 pm

For you, Celtic Goddess. :)

OK, so the title is a little misleading. It's less about an update and actually a request for more 'hand holding'. :roll: You guys really talked me off the ledge during the first installment, and I thank you for that. Besides, it wouldn't be a soap opera if everything just resolved itself, now would it? heehee So, at last episode:
He emailed right back with apologies and even a little sad face after I sent him a short email stating that I was thinking about him and hoping everything is going well. He never actually adressed my invitation to hang out but he said he had been working on a reply for several days, but had just gotten some news about his degree program that was worrisome and going to require a lot of effort on his part to graduate. I took his immediate response as an extension of 'good faith'--sort of like 'don't go away on me, I haven't forgotten you' sort of thing. It seemed quite intuitive on his part, even. To lighten things up I responded the next day with "aw, no worries. I'm a chick. It's my job to be a pain in the a$$. :)" Sorry life is stressful, email me when you can, blah, blah. Short and breezy. So...

In the meantime, because I'm a chick and wired to be a pain in the a$$, I was hanging out on another forum (which happens to pretty much be his social life) where he posts sometimes and he started a thread talking about how sometimes he feels like a loser, and too immature to interact with people his own age, and that he's been pushing himself and is having a losing streak. Also, as suspected, he described situations that cause social anxiety, and he has a hard time connecting with people he doesn't know. (Well, duh, which is why I started emailing.) Anyway, I felt bad about feeling bad that he hadn't responded after reading that, so a couple days ago I sent off one more short email asking if he was OK and if things worked out with his class.

So it's two weeks, not a peep, and I am feeling like a twitchy BIG BABY! AGAIN!

Popular 'wisdom' is that busy or not, if he wants to be in touch, he will. I am sooooo sick of the "he's just not into you" mantra. Grrrr...but I am worried that if he can't find the right words, whatever it is he feels he should say, he won't even try and then he's gone. It seems odd that he would push himself up to this point and then just...stop. Any thoughts?? Is two weeks for a stressed out guy a drop in the hat?


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CelticGoddess
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03 Jun 2009, 8:10 pm

Okay, where do you live? We need to get together and talk this out over ice cream. :wink:

Does he know that you're on the forum that he posts on?



KittenWithAWhip
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03 Jun 2009, 8:29 pm

I wiiiiiiish. I'm a little south from you in the Pacific Northwest. :D

I'm not sure he does know, actually. So, his post was not for my eyes, specifically--he was venting in a place that is comfortable for him.

CG, if you want and you have time, you can pm me and tell me to stop being a whiner! :oops:


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CelticGoddess
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03 Jun 2009, 8:36 pm

Hey chica, stop that. You're not being a whiner. :wink: *hugs to you* He's hard to figure out. If I was in your place, and I had this place as a resource, I would definitely be using it.

It's tough to be know what to do because it sounds like he's in a place where he wants to reach out, but he's struggling because he doesn't know how. You've been doing your part in keeping in touch and he's bloody hard to have to wait 2 weeks without an answer. Heck, I get really impatient after 2 days! :bounce:

So how long as it been since you last emailed him? 2 weeks? What about offering him something specific to do. "I know you've got a lot to deal with right now and so do I. I'd really like to get together for XYZ. How does Friday night sound to you? Can you meet me at ABC?" Give him a specific date/time and see what happens. He may freak out and won't be ready yet, but at least the sign you've given him is that you DO want to meet up with him and he doesn't have to second guess that.

(more hugs)



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03 Jun 2009, 10:01 pm

Hmm....I don't know if the idea about proposing a meeting is such a good idea. :chin: If he's already scared to respond, it might be too much for him to consider meeting. And if he doesn't want to, then he's going to be more anxious because then he'd have to tell her he didn't want to meet. Turning someone down, is a tough thing to do.


I don't have an alternate plan, as of now, but i'm thinking. :wink: (and trying to eat) :lol:


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KittenWithAWhip
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04 Jun 2009, 12:14 am

Thanks you two. I just went out to dinner and hit the pavement to work up a sweat. I feel much more circumspect now. :)

I emailed him on Sunday, so it's only been three days. Still, yeah, maybe it's a girl thing but a couple of days feels like forever. Especially if you're not entirely sure how the other person is receiving them. Communication is confirmation that you are still on their radar, and we like to stay on your radar, guys. (Shhh...that's a secret, so you didn't hear it from me)

After thinking about it, I believe that what took him so long last time was that he didn't know what to do with the invitation. Honestly, based on the sexual tension that was there, I have a feeling he would like very much for something to happen, but when it comes to following through, experiences nothing but white noise in his head. Especially since getting the tough news about his class. Focusing is a challenge under normal circumstances. I suspect he is at a loss as to how to respond without 1) looking and feeling like a loser and/or 2) hurting my feelings and/or 3) stressing out to where he wouldn't enjoy himself anyway. He's one with a soft underbelly. It would be hard for him. I think I need jawbrodt to take him aside and have 'the talk'. :lol:

*big sigh*

So, who's got the ice cream? :roll:


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jawbrodt
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04 Jun 2009, 1:24 am

^LOL, I'd have him proposing to ya, within a 1/2 hour. :wink:


Sorry, if I would've read your message earlier, I would've saved you some ice cream. CG should have some for ya though, she's always got a stash. :lol:


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KittenWithAWhip
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04 Jun 2009, 1:51 am

[quote="jawbrodt"]^LOL, I'd have him proposing to ya, within a 1/2 hour. :wink: [quote]


You da man! (I can provide references if necessary... :heart: )

:wink:

So, you're still thinkin', right?


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jawbrodt
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04 Jun 2009, 2:53 am

^ :lol:

Ooops, forgot i was supposed to be thinking. :lol: Let's see what i can come up with. :chin:

Hmm.....Well, if I put myself in that position, what would help get things rolling? I think you should ask him if his anxiety is giving him problems. That will give him something personal to talk about, plus he'll feel better getting it out in the open. I'm guessing he never mentioned to you directly, that his anxiety was holding him back, right? He's giving little hints like school and such, but is too afraid to tell you directly. That's because he fears you won't understand it, or won't accept him afterwards. And that, is the problem you must overcome. :wink:

I think once he realizes that you're going to understand and accept his problem, that he'll start to open up. Otherwise, he's holding back this embarassing information that is paralyzing him. You need to help him let it out. 8)


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CelticGoddess
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04 Jun 2009, 8:26 am

Forgive JB. He's easily distracted while there's food around. :P But yes, he's correct. I always have a stash of ice cream around for such emergencies. A girl has got to be prepared. :wink:

I agree with his last thought though about the anxiety issue that is paralyzing our leading man.



KittenWithAWhip
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04 Jun 2009, 4:15 pm

I think you guys are right. Funny about the anxiety--when I read what he said about sometimes circling the phone, not wanting to make even simple calls...yeah, I still deal with those issues. It took me 4 months to say anything at all to him. Pfft. So, understanding is not the issue--I have to figure out how to approach it and retain dignity for both of us. I think I will give him a couple more days. The quarter is done tomorrow so he should know the outcome of his class by then

The other problem is that since I don't see him in person anymore, I would have to send another email. At this point, after two, it seems like it might reek a bit of desperation. Not that I am against last-ditch efforts. Jawbrodt, you mentioned in my first thread that there were girls you would like to have been with, but it just couldn't happen for you. Are you sure you wouldn't have just wanted them to go away and leave you in peace? I am afraid I will be stepping on some toes. I mean, perhaps his silence IS his response, you know?

Hmmm...I will be getting alot of exercise in the next few days. Sweating helps. Besides, I have to counteract the ice cream. :wink: So, Goddess, whatcha got? (she says, plopping down on the couch with spoon in hand...)


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jawbrodt
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05 Jun 2009, 2:03 am

Quote:
Funny about the anxiety--when I read what he said about sometimes circling the phone, not wanting to make even simple calls...yeah, I still deal with those issues. It took me 4 months to say anything at all to him. Pfft. So, understanding is not the issue--


I still think understanding is the problem. Yes, you understand it, and he probably does too. The problem is that you haven't talked to him about his anxiety, specifically. He needs to know that you understand all of his quirks, and needs to discuss each one individually. You should do the same with yours.

It's something that you both have in common, so it'll be an easy topic to keep goin'. Plus, it's rather personal stuff, so you'll both feel closer when it's over. It's much easier to relate to someone when they know exactly what makes you tic. :wink:

Quote:
Jawbrodt, you mentioned in my first thread that there were girls you would like to have been with, but it just couldn't happen for you. Are you sure you wouldn't have just wanted them to go away and leave you in peace? I am afraid I will be stepping on some toes. I mean, perhaps his silence IS his response, you know?


All my cases were similar to yours, and i also had severe anxiety along with panic disorder. The girls would pursue me, and i couldn't handle being with them, even though I wanted too. Usually i would play stupid, or make excuses, then wait for them to lose interest. Sound familiar? :wink: In addition to the unbearable anxiety, I felt like such freak that there was no way any of those girls would stay with me once they got to know all my "quirks", anyway. I'm betting that your guy is the same way. He's embarassed and afraid that you'll eventually leave, just like I was(and sort of still am). He needs to know that you'll accept him, and all his problems. And just saying that you'll accept him, isn't good enough. You both need to break everything down, and discuss it.

Would I have wished they would've just gone away and left me in peace? Yes, but only because of the reasons i mentioned above. It was flattering at first, but that was short-lived. It then became depressing to not be able to connect with any of them, or to even seriously attempt it.

Silence may be his response, in hope that you'll lose interest. Life would be easier that way, for him. BUT, he actually want's to be with you, and i think you oughta give my advice a shot if you really want to bring him out of his shell. He's waiting. :wink:


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Gremmie
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05 Jun 2009, 3:51 am

I guess if he's been really stressed and had lots of work to do then it's understandable if he's been quite distant. Trying to sort out stuff like this is probably a whole other pile of stress that it's easier to ignore until things go away. I know I really confused my boyfriend during my exams because although I was talking to him I was emotionally very distant for weeks.
At the same time omg I completely understand the getting twitchy when not hearing anything thing. It certainly sounds like ice-cream-O'clock.
I think what'll probably tell you where things stand is how he acts when the stuff with his degree is sorted. Fingers crossed he'll get back to you fairly soon.



CelticGoddess
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05 Jun 2009, 10:42 pm

jawbrodt wrote:
Quote:
Funny about the anxiety--when I read what he said about sometimes circling the phone, not wanting to make even simple calls...yeah, I still deal with those issues. It took me 4 months to say anything at all to him. Pfft. So, understanding is not the issue--


I still think understanding is the problem. Yes, you understand it, and he probably does too. The problem is that you haven't talked to him about his anxiety, specifically. He needs to know that you understand all of his quirks, and needs to discuss each one individually. You should do the same with yours.

It's something that you both have in common, so it'll be an easy topic to keep goin'. Plus, it's rather personal stuff, so you'll both feel closer when it's over. It's much easier to relate to someone when they know exactly what makes you tic. :wink:

Quote:
Jawbrodt, you mentioned in my first thread that there were girls you would like to have been with, but it just couldn't happen for you. Are you sure you wouldn't have just wanted them to go away and leave you in peace? I am afraid I will be stepping on some toes. I mean, perhaps his silence IS his response, you know?


All my cases were similar to yours, and i also had severe anxiety along with panic disorder. The girls would pursue me, and i couldn't handle being with them, even though I wanted too. Usually i would play stupid, or make excuses, then wait for them to lose interest. Sound familiar? :wink: In addition to the unbearable anxiety, I felt like such freak that there was no way any of those girls would stay with me once they got to know all my "quirks", anyway. I'm betting that your guy is the same way. He's embarassed and afraid that you'll eventually leave, just like I was(and sort of still am). He needs to know that you'll accept him, and all his problems. And just saying that you'll accept him, isn't good enough. You both need to break everything down, and discuss it.

Would I have wished they would've just gone away and left me in peace? Yes, but only because of the reasons i mentioned above. It was flattering at first, but that was short-lived. It then became depressing to not be able to connect with any of them, or to even seriously attempt it.

Silence may be his response, in hope that you'll lose interest. Life would be easier that way, for him. BUT, he actually want's to be with you, and i think you oughta give my advice a shot if you really want to bring him out of his shell. He's waiting. :wink:


okay, sorry to do so much quoting, but jawbrodt is bang on. I have found that if you can get to discussing those issues, the progress you make can be incredible. Chances are, he's never had a woman in his life who really "gets it." You seem to be that chick, so once he finds out that you're not going anywhere, and he knows that you really do get it, things have potential to progress from there. I say it's definitely worth the effort and hopefully he jumps on board and is willing to take the risk. 8)

Oh, and I have Moosetracks in my freezer. Is that a canadian thing? If so, I'll explain it's ice cream goody contents. It's really yummy. Promise. :wink:



KittenWithAWhip
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06 Jun 2009, 2:58 pm

Gremmie wrote:
At the same time omg I completely understand the getting twitchy when not hearing anything thing. It certainly sounds like ice-cream-O'clock.


Ah, thank you. Even more confirmation that I'm not nuts! However, I think we're rapidly approaching tequila-o'clock. :roll:

Ok, Jawbrodt and Goddess. I know you are right. Thanks for sticking with me through this and for being so honest. It's pretty personal stuff. NOW I am starting to completely freak out. I am trying to figure out how I even open up the subject without coming off as a nutjob stalker myself (this will be the third email), at the same time without making him feel like I've caught him with his pants off. :lol: Doesn't help that today I feel like a twelve-year old emotional wreck. Basically, I have to decide if I'm willing to expose my own soft underbelly with the possibility that I might still get stone cold silence in return. Y'all might be picking up pieces of Kitten all over this forum before it's over. :roll:

Moosetracks. Yeah, we get that in the Pacific Northwest. Hmmm..I'm not exactly sure how to type out Homer Simpson's sounds that he makes when he's gastronomically lusting over something...I'm sure you get the idea. :wink: (today she plops down with a spoon AND a hanky...)


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CelticGoddess
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06 Jun 2009, 3:41 pm

Awww.....hormonal days suck. :( First off c'mon in. Let me take your coat and have a seat on my virtual couch. Forgive me for still being in my pj's but that's the best attire when girlfriends need to spill their guts. Here's a big comfy blanket and I'll go get the ice cream and the tissue box. Big deep breath.

I suggest you think it over for 24 hours. Weigh the pros/cons in your head, list them if it makes it easier to digest the info. Then pour yourself a cup of tea, sit at your computer, type out whatever you have to say and then save it as a draft and come back to read it later. I don't think this is something that can be rushed.

Hugs to you, my friend.