How not to scare off people

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Yeah I have that same problem. It takes a massave amount of work to slowly go through experiances, learn from them and rid the obsessiveness over the years. I dont f**k up as much as I used to due to some sticky situations I encountered in the past. I still do obsess over them but I work very hard to keep it contained and within limits. I dont really know how to "stop" obsessing over someone.

the drag here is that the one with the least amount of interest in a relationship has the most amount of power. so if i am fixated on one relationship, i am likely to display an awful lot of interest thereby leaving me vulnerable to devastation if the person later decides that they cannot match my level of interest and achieve mutual benefit.

i just lost my only friend. i dont think i would have if i would have had more than one friend. this is one of the reasons my therapist says to date multiple women at once. i have never been able to be interested in more than one woman at once, so i realize i might be talking about things that arent all that possible, but i did want to talk about it.

that said, i like the rules. good solid boundaries. three calls a week, that sort of thing.

I also should say that sometimes when I say hi, I inadvertently scare the person away. I'm sorry if I did that to anyone on these forums, on that note.

I've had it implied that I come off as scary to others, well I think I am probably more afraid of everyone else than they are of me. But yeah I know its not just the way I dress I mean I usually wear mostly black and band t-shirts of metal bands, Pink Floyd or The Doors...so I look like a metal head which some people would confuse for goth or punk though I do like some goth and punk music.

Even when i dress normal that seems to be an issue....that's why I think its BS when people tell me there's nothing different about me that others pick up on. Not really sure what to do about that.

OK...... thanks for that advice. It's just that what can seem sincere to one person, can come across as crossing the line to another. Why is this world complex?

I had to learn that there is a difference between guilt and shame and recognise when it happens. If you happen to engage with a potential friend and things go awry because of something you did, then knowing about it is a good thing, it is even better if you feel guilty about it. But if you start feeling shame, then you know it is time to stop wondering about it and remember the lesson behind it. Shame is taking it too far, by breaking your own character down. That is about all I can help with. I don't think one should just feel nothing.

Focus on their flaws. Seriously, that's how I did it. I put all women on a pedestal but make myself see certain individual women as falling far short, even if they aren't. Those are the ones I date. It's not perfect, but it works.