Having super hard times dealing with uni right now.

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Since I was told I had Asperger's Syndrome (I was too young to remember the initial diagnosis and my mum only told me when I was about 14) I've been telling myself that I'm no different to anyone else. It's just a personality quirk. I can deal with it. I brushed aside the fact that, up until then, lots of people thought I was either super shy or a weirdo freak - this was school and some kids are more than happy to give you their honest opinion. I'd force myself to make eye contact when I talked to people and would chat away about inane crap that nobody really cared about, just to break myself away from admitting that I had "communication problems". I've been going along quite happily for 8 years or so trying to ignore the obvious but recently it's really started to get to me.

So I've gone to uni and I've made a few friends. I have a boyfriend too; communicating with these guys is fairly easy. They know I have AS so I don't feel under any pressure to act normal with them. There are times with my friends where I don't know how to react or handle a situation so I avoid them for a while, shut myself away until I feel like things are back to normal. I guess they don't like this and maybe I should explain to them it's part of my AS. The real problem is with people who I'm not so close friends with. When I left college I had loads of friends and loved having so many people who I could just be open with. I was always making people laugh and smile and it made me feel great. Now there are so many interesting, fun people on my course at uni who I would really like to talk to but I just can't hold down a proper conversation. We're all in the same 'social circle' and I am involved in conversations with them; everyone else seems to be able to laugh and joke so easily or bring up a point that gets everybody talking about it. Whenever I try, I feel like I'm coming across as boring and unfunny. I'm really not like that at all. I can be confident and witty and my boyfriend/close friends reflect this; they like talking to me, they like being around me. But with these other guys who I'd really like to spend more time with, I can't make people enjoy their time with me and one-to-one chats with them are ridiculously awkward and painful. I end up nervously spam-talking about something stupid like how amazing this pie I made last night was, or how my potted plant is growing really well. I get a lot of half-hearded nods and smiles as they wait for the punchline but it never comes. One thing that helps out is drinking. Sometimes I get invited out with them as part of "the group", but they have a closer-knit group that I never get invited with. If I have a few drinks I can get really sociable, they say I'm the "best drunk ever". Only recently, I keep taking it too far. Most nights I go drinking I can't remember most of the night and I suppose people end up laughing at me, not with me.

I realised something which makes me feel really bad. The people I get on with the most, and I don't know how to say this properly, are.. not socially threatening. People who are quiet or not as smart as me, or fatter or not as good-looking (god I sound like such a horrible person). People with low self-esteem. I feel like if I feel that I'm better than someone in some way, I can talk to them easily. People who are confident about themselves and assertive come across as threatening to me. That's why when those people are sat joking around and having fun, I'm lost for what to do in order to make them have more fun or be happier. I've come to the opinion that it makes me a bad person, to feed off other peoples misfortune - that making them feel better about themselves is the only way to make me feel confident. It's not even like I give good advice or am particularly good at emotional support. I don't know what it is, but they seem to welcome my company and I theirs.

Anyway.. now I've established myself as this introvert who drinks way too much at casual events, it's like I've lost that popularity and sociability that I had in college. Please don't get me wrong, I'm really grateful for the friends that I have. It's just they are friends with these other people I've been talking about, who are really nice people. By extension, most of the time I'm with all of them at once. All I want is to be able to have fun and relax when we all get together, knowing that people want me to be there and not having this huge shadow over me saying "You have AS, you can't communicate with them properly, you'll always be like this and people still think you're a weirdo freak". It's been really depressing me lately. Did the people in college really think I was all that great or was it just pity that I'd never received during school? It sounds so stupid when I write it all down, like I'm a child or something - and I know people have way bigger problems than this. Some nights though, when I think about it, I'm stuck somewhere I don't wanna be. I even get to the point of suicidal thoughts because I can't break through this and become the person I want to be. What's the point living life as a shy introvert when I know myself I'm not? I just feel like a proper b***h in all respects.

I have the exact exact exact same problem. It's almost frightening.

It's also much easier for me to talk to an ugly overweight boy in a conversation then to a tall strapped sociable hottie. Some goes for girls. If they are too hip or fashionable or spontaneous or whatever I just close like an oister. I firgured it might have something to do with me being bullied by these kids of people. Always the hot, skinny ones with a big mouth and good social skills. The ones I deem 'popular' and 'succesful'.

I wish I had a boyfriend like you though. I am really jealous of that.

I am not diagnosed with an ASD but because you say this it gets me thinking I might have it too. Although I don't know if it's a typical aspie thing.

Yes, that's what life with AS is like...


Then I don't see anything bad about this.
During high school, my only "friends" were people with equally low social acceptance.
In their case, this coincided with an otherwise not so successful life.
I think they kind of liked me because, well, I was one of the few persons who accepted them, but there was no basis for an actual friendship because we didn't have so much in common besides being lonely.


From people who are overly aware of their attractiveness, I run away as quickly as possible.
Yes, I think it's in fact correlated to bullying. Attractive kids often become bullies just because they can. People do think in "leagues".

I relate to this so much. The only time I ever had a group of friends was in college and they were girls whose families were very poor , lived in a really bad area and were on government housing. These girls smoked pot everyday. They were all abused as children. My closest friend in this group- the one I met the other girls through- her mum had Schizophrenia and she was starting to develop possible symptoms like paranoia. She had huge mood swings and got angry and screamed at the rest of us a lot. I also felt like they were only friends with me because they were bottom of the totem poll and would give anyone a chance, like we were a group of rejects. I was always the spacey girl who was "out of it" in the group and I felt like I wasn't interesting or funny and would tune out during their conversations, not get their jokes or not know what they were talking about (when they talked about movies or something). Still I was accepted and we enjoyed each others' company. I connected with and had good conversations with that one girl alone-as a group I was more lost.

Now I just don't have a group of friends that I go out and do things with. I have 2 friends who I see very occasionally and each on their own just at each other's houses or somewhere quiet. Mostly I like it better this way. Sometimes I'm a little lonely and wish I saw them more often or had more friends.