Lost a Friend Again (Update)

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(Update from this thread: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt231609.html because the previous thread has a lot of long posts, and I don't want people to keep replying to the first post, as the situation has been updated)

I finally talked to my friend. She told me that all the messages I sent trying to 1. Express and Explain my emotions during a miscommunication. (scared her), and then when she didn't answer, my not understanding we weren't friends, and still trying to explain. Before realizing her silence meant something wrong and I had done something bad and attempting to remedy by asking her Why to understand. All left with silence. I FINALLY called her on her cell phone after she said she didn't know who I was via text messages (as she had removed my number) and blocked it after asking her again. When I called her, I was just up in tears. Why was she ignoring me and not telling me or helping me understand. All my emails all I was doing was explaining and trying to ask her to help me understand why she was silent. Further all my emails were all attempts to understand against silence:

After calling her and leaving a message on her phone today. She sent me an email, and explained everything that would have from the first day stopped all of the messages. In her message she said that my behaviour had scared her, that it was a sign of someone who was unstable. She said she could not be friends with someone who refused to take medication or get psychiatric help and washed her hands of trying to help me (which I never asked for in that way she kept offering. And I knew HEALTHY ways that she could help me, like just setting aside SOME time for me, and not treating me like a Dog who will sit and stay when you tell them. Basically she wanted someone who would hang out with her when she wanted to have fun and disappear when she was done with them.)

I accept it. But I do feel like it's not fair. She never gave me a chance to modify my behaviours. She just assumed I was 'unstable' because I sent so many messages which did not have the same motives or intentions as a 'stalker'. There was no need to justify ignoring me because "normal" people don't do what I did, she explained. It may have looked LIKE 'stalker' because if you research what is a stalker I learned a stalker sends a lot of messages. But their MOTIVES are 100% different from mine, and my messages would have ceased instantly if an explanation to understand because her behaviour and past words were confusing me so much and how they were conflicting here. All she had to say was, "Tao you cannot send me so many messages, if you want to talk CALL me or I'll Call you, which is what I was asking in ALL those texts, please call me so we can talk this through." I kept asking HER to call me because I was afraid to call her as I had gotten in trouble in the past from other people for calling them at the wrong times, the social rules to calling. And so developed an anxiety and needed her to initiate call contact. I never thought that I could have called her the moment I was confused and asked for clarification and to talk it out on the phone, because I was afraid I'd make a social mistake. In trying to AVOID one social mistake, I initiated another!! !!

In the end she really imposed the ideas of what she THOUGHT I needed and was asking for onto me. And just as she imposed those ideas on me, she equally imposed the idea that I had to take responsibility and accept those impositions on me as accurate to my character due to the result, that it placed imaginary ideas and burdens both on herself and me. This friendship from the start was not good for either one of us (a sign I saw but ignored again and again, even when the astrology said to beware this relationship which again scared me!)! ! I even remember saying I rather see her through rose-coloured glasses ignoring her faults, it allows harmony and makes me feel safe (but is a DANGEROUS ILLUSION). To this day she still says, "I can't HELP YOU." because she imposed the need for help on me. And every time I denied it even when we were friends (tried to reject or deny that imposation) it just made her want to help me more as if I were in denial, she'd say you don't want to help yourself then. I can't argue with her that I was because she uses my behaviour (the constant emails she said she liked and initially encouraged by writing back right away, and even expressing anxiety if she could not reply to me, and I kept saying relax relax--until she allowed it to be the norm and then I began getting anxious when I didn't reply or she didn't reply a standard that was set initially via my modification to her!) and my self-disclosure (my friendship scripts) as proof of that 'insanity' and need for help. And while I DO need help, its not for what she has said I need it for.



More thoughts:

In her email she justified her actions by saying: I am unstable, need psychiatric help and medications, because I was too attached to her. She never acknowledged that I actually have very CLEAR and GOOD ability to follow and have boundaries, and that I was uncomfortable in the beginning with her offers, but kept accepting because I wanted her in my life. But that she kept REMOVING them good boundaries I had set up myself and OFFERING things that I never asked for, that emotionally set me back and encouraged bad things, assuming I was asking for those things just because I was sharing my past, which I was doing out of a self-disclosure script, which I naturally do in email because my understanding was self-disclosure = friendship.


Then behaviour she encouraged and allowed that I had worked very hard on not to get into before her. Were automatically put on me to show why I was crazy and at fault.

Further I kept being confused with her terminology using the words 'Friend' saying 'I cannot be your friend', not 'I cannot be your Mother'. She is not acknowledging all the messages she sent about her offer (not mine) to be my Mother, wanting to legit adopt me, and how she even one night laid in bed thinking about taking care and responsibility of me without even considering the fact that I didn't ask. I remember feeling taken aback. I didn't ask for that. When I wrote a long email trying to explain I don't think she ever understood, because she went on always with the 'imposing' help on me ideals. In time she went from saying she loved my long emails and read them all to NOT reading them, and actively deleting the only way I knew how to communicate effectively rather than suggesting we talk about them on the phone or in person (suggesting an alternative). She just deleted them, and I was hurt by that. But she did not care at all that it had hurt me so much, she only said stop crying and write shorter.

Then, she kept saying I can't help you I can't help you. And I didn't understand because I didn't want to even communicate via email anyway from the beginning (something I felt but didn't sya)! I was very anxious about emailing with her and every anxious when she would instantly reply back to all of my emails. And very anxious when she began suddenly changing the pace as I had normalized myself to HER pace.

Thinking back I realize now that even though I had set up clear rules that I would not seek refuge in people to PREVENT Emotional dependency and behaviours that reinforced negative patterns in me, I never prepared for the fact or situation that they would offer in the way that she did. For me to seek refuge in me. "Seek refuge in me.". So I had no script to that and default assumed that "I would not seek refuge in others" was different from others "who sought for me to seek refuge in them, and then got mad at me when I did!! !" It's not that I was stupid, it's just that I was naive and unprepared and need to add this to a new modified version of an oath that had helped me in the past, an oath I had taken to prevent these very behaviours in myself and others!! ! It's just I got tripped up with her offering for me to seek refuge in her coupled with me not seeking, the difference between accepting to have them in my life vs. breaking a rule. (If that makes sense). In a sense someone MOTLEY in the Lost a Friend Again original post was correct. I NEED clear personal boundaries FOR MYSELF. It's not about others it's about me and what I need for myself to prevent invasions like this. It's something I can work on therapy. As I seem to get into a lot of relationships where this creates a constant source of trouble for me and as a consequence, others! Not having these clear boundaries from myself not only hurts me, but it hurts the people I care about, this former friend being the greatest example of that.

I Understand now:

People are often afraid of what they don't understand. It's easier to slap a label of 'unstable' on it and put everything into one single category. These type of people who stereotype people into boxes that are 'normal' and 'abnormal' and automatically assume people who are abnormal are 'crazy'.

I realize now that I cannot be friends with anyone, and that though her behaviour was foreign to me, her rejection of me is not unexpected. She has time and time again suggested in how she treats OTHERS who have behaviours she can't understand or whenever she felt 'slighted'. I kept wondering how numerous people could have issues with her, and kept being afraid that she would misunderstand. So I kept trying to explain all the time, and would write emails all the time just to prevent that from happening with us.

I also wanted to know what to do when she got mad or upset, and how to handle situations that would prevent pain on my end. But never got the chance to ask before it happened.

But these behaviour used to scare me all the time, as I would listen and think, she would do that to me, but she was so loving and kind towards me. I told her I often need reassurance and trying to understand once. I said once when she had gone for a while, and I got nervous that she wasn't my friend from her silence. I said, I can be OK with you not messaging me for instance so long as you explain that your silence is NOT you not wanting to be my friend. Like you have to explain and help me understand. I can have clear boundaries but I can't have them without explanation. She told me 'look you obviously need more attention than I can give.' and I thought, no…I can do well without attention, I just need to understand that not paying attention to me does not mean I don't care about you right now. And when I tried to explain that she just read over it and spoke on as if I hadn't written what I wrote.

I don't think she understood that or listened to me ever.


What it comes down to is:


She had no willingness to understand or modify her behaviour, to stop doing what she was doing and realize I wasn't asking for what she thought I wanted. She kept misinterpreting my actions as requests. And just never takes responsibility for her actions, she survives by blaming people, and she blames people with the label they are Crazy or are Bullies.

Another friend (Human Horse Friend) said she had "Cute Puppy Syndrome": When someone really likes the fantasy and ideals of something, so they want a puppy and take the puppy. Then when they realize there is responsibility that comes with having and taking care of a puppy they give it back, because it wasn't what they expected and can't handle that responsibility. Having a KID takes responsibility. And I DO have unique special needs, and need support in a way that others need, but it's not in the way that she imposed on me.

I felt it was unfair that she imposed the label of crazy on me, along with imposing the NEEDS she felt I had. And then became scared of the own behaviour that she had both encouraged and made acceptable in the past.

More Analysis:

People have their own ulterior motives combined with issues. I was always upfront and honest and consistent, to some extent she was too but she was flaky about it. She was consistent UNTIL it no longer served her purpose to be so. I never pretended to be what I was not and increasingly modified myself until the began to be a different person. I was the same person, they were not. The moment she imposed the need of me needing a Mother and giving me that offer, and the moment I accepted. She had motives for having me as a daughter, a stable daughter who would take care of her when she was old and sick. Those motives were shadowed by sensing weakness, and when she couldn't 'fix' me the way she felt I needed to be fix, she threw me away....just like that without ever looking back. I had no motives, but she did, and I see it now. My friendship was unconditional. I was willing to modify and work through trial and error, she was not willing to give that kind of friendship and so on. Friendships take work and commitment, people have baggage, and she wanted someone was secure, I even wonder if she needs friends who can represent strong Mother-figures to her, or even friends who ARE her equals in the level of needs and stability that she has. She can not handle the needs that a Daughter would have, unless that child was themselves mature and equal in relation to the mental levels matching her own that she sought. Through further analysis she realized I was not that one, and that she had jumped in way too fast, almost impulsively. And I am at fault for letting her.

More Thoughts x2:

My OTHER friend (Horse Friend) reassured me that I am not crazy and am more normal than she is, and that it was the reverse. She also suggested from what I explained that she even subconsciously without meaning to preyed on me. My grandmother also said that she was very suspicious of our relationship which is what she expressed from Day I, because of her age, and her interest in me to begin with (I'm in my 20's she is somewhere between 50's and 60's, think between that). FURTHER, she often (my former friend) explained that she was a child in an adults body or still felt like a child...and now I ask myself, how can a CHILD take on the role of mother. And if she couldn't be a responsible Mom (thus her decision not to have kids) from the beginning, why all of a sudden could she be one now? Because I was 23 and seemingly had no problems or needs? She latched onto me before I latched onto her I just responded, and once she realized I needed help in some areas she freaked out. (Like Cute puppy syndrome, puppy is cute, then you realize it requires responsibility and give it back) or Buyer's Remorse

My Horse Friend said that people don't do it on purpose but they see people who are vulnerable and weak and are drawn to them. I realized that she was drawn to my weakness and insecurities, my naivete. She would NEVER have offered to be my Mom if she thought I was not weaker than her than someway. But later she wanted me to be her EQUAL and kept saying LATER that you are my equal (this was in the last message where she changed every consistent terminology around on me). She just has know awareness of her own behaviours and actions and how they effect others, and you can't say that to her without her getting offended or mad. To protect herself she has to label YOU as crazy.

My Horse Friend explained that it is best that she is not my friend and that it is good she ended it on HER TERMS. That she needed that for her Ego and sense of self and that she might be a stalker herself if she could not end it on her own terms. She also explained that I don't need people like that and there are plenty of good people who don't have any ulterior motives in friendship. And that at 23 I don't need anyone who treats me the way she treated me, and she emphasized again and again that I am normal and didn't do anything bad. You are normal she said, you are not crazy. Don't let her make you think you are crazy because you are not. This combined with my therapist's reassurances suggest I am OK.

Ironically when I explain her behaviours objectively as they happened other people react not as though I was a problem, but as though she had a problem. Like my Grandmother, then some people here, and then other people outside of here I talked to, even my therapist thought some behaviours were odd from the beginning. These are things I understood as normal because my not friend anymore TOLD me they were normal. Even if I thought it wasn't right for a while, I just gave it benefit of the doubt. I liked her and thought she was cool so why not?

I remember having gut feelings and giving this woman the benefit of the doubt from the beginning, from the moment she said: I LEGIT WANT TO ADOPT YOU AND LET YOU LIVE WITH ME, after only our 3rd conversation!! ! But I gave her the benefit of the doubt while trying to explain I didn't want to live with her or anybody (I felt like she felt rejected by that), and a she couldn't legit adopt me as an adult (again I felt she felt rejected by that), and maybe then used that for why we couldn't be friends.

I wanted to be her friend so badly that I just ignored all those signals and signs. I feel stupid, but it is another hard lesson learned.

EVEN sadder was that she was perfectly OK with leaving me in the Dark, and had I not called in a storm of tears would have left me this way. IT IS BETTER THAT WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. But the hurt that has occurred and being demonized or even labeled as crazy by someone AGAIN has hurt me, along with their projections on making it all about me and not them. I now know I can prevent this in the future by understanding warning signs both in myself and others, and not getting into relationships like that FROM THE BEGINNING.

I wanted to protect her from my thoughts, my thoughts that something wasn't right what she was doing both to me now and in her unsolicited offers. So I kept saying she's a good person she's a good person and not doing anything bad or wrong. I never acknowledged the idea that through protecting her by defending her behaviour to others when explaining it, that I was hurting myself. While I justified her intentions, she has told her herself and most like (friends and family) that the person she once wanted to adopt is "Crazy" and needs "Psychiatric Help". Never taking responsibility or looking inward. And there's nothing I can do about people like that except avoid them from the start as a bad influence, even if I think they are really nice people Nice people can hurt others all the same just through their ignorance of behaviours in themselves and others alone. HARD LESSON.

I did not read your whole posting here but from what it sounds like, this person sounds extremely toxic.

For her to go and tell you that you need medication psychiatric help like that is extremely insulting and maybe even diabolical.

I also just keep getting the feeling that she seems to lead you around while NOT failing to understand your situation.

She is not your doctor or a family member but maybe she has some mental illness herself. That is also NONE of her business either.

Who needs friends like that?

I had the same feeling when your friend stated they would only need you when they wanted someone to have fun with, then you were free to disappear. That's not a healthy relationship at all. Not too long ago I was reading about types of bad friends, and that was one of the types: they want (and need) everything on their own terms, without concern for another person's needs. It's a form of using.

I have felt really dumb and really hurt now for quite some time. Conflicted and confused. I really genuinely thought she truly loved me. My heart is filled with so much pain because she dropped me so fast, quicker than I could blink without even looking back at all. Or giving me a chance. I can modify any behaviour that she found uncomfortable, so long as she gave us room to talk about it. Not via email which is what I was trying to ask her to do. But this was part of the 'unstable' behaviour she had labeled me under. I'ts like I'm sorry for not acting in a prescribed 'normal' way, I don't know what I was supposed to do in that situation, if I knew I would do it all differently, but I didn't know. And it's like she withdrew our friendship and labeled me as crazy for a ignorance which could have been easily corrected. Not only that but she lied. I never meant anything to her, and if I did I was just a toy to play with until she got bored or I didn't fit her needs.

I keep reminding myself she's Toxic, she's a scorpion, it's her nature. I need to let go and move on, but it genuinely meant something to me. And I genuinely thought it meant something to her too.

It's like...She automatically prescribed a reason to my behaviour without even trying or desiring to understand. No attempt for empathy or sitting down to have a conversation with me (I don't know at this point if she has the ability to feel empathy based on her historical interactions that I have seen). She had 'sympathy' though, more along the terms of, 'I will pray for this crazy person I invited onto my door.' In fact I don't even think she felt like I COULD have an intelligent conversation with her, as far as she was concerned she made the prejudgment that I was either impossible to reason with or that she didn't want to waste her time. As a person she had no respect for me, which is a shame because I had so much respect for her as a person.

My heart is hurting. She said to me, sorry to disappoint but I'm done.

I'm not disappointed, I'm just hurt. I don't want to be her friend again. But I'm hurt, and I'm trying to focus on the wound in my heart not the shooter, because it hurts.

Intellectually I understand now that she was never a friend to me. That she never 'really' wanted me, not as me. That all she did was judge me. She never listened to me, never tried to understand, only judge. And for me the only way I can be at peace with this is by saying we were destined to fail, destined to collide and fall apart, like it was in the stars. I know that I have learned valuable lessons from this encounter. That without those lessons I would not be able to grow and be a better person. That our friendship did inhibit my growth and that her cutting the ties was a good thing. I would have never seen how much it was distracting me.

I also would not have learned to appreciate my childhood no matter how rough. To appreciate and love my own parents for all their flaws. And to appreciate and realize that there are people who care for me even if it's not in the way I wanted. But in a better way, with respect, love and acceptance. I also learned that it's not that there is no person who can be my friend, just that she could not be my friend. Even more, I learned that there are a lot of great things about me, and I make a really great friend: compassionate, accepting, understanding, loyal, unconditional, flexible (with some help, but flexible in ways that I'm more willing to try and bend around others craziness to work with them than the average person can for me and my own inabilities), and caring. I treat friends like family, and family like good friends. I also want people to understand my behaviour as much I want to understand theirs, so I never leave people in the dark.

I know sometimes I have a hard time processing emotions in real time and making sense of things, and I struggle with anxiety and communication, and that these flaws alone can crumble a mountain, but I'm not a bad, crazy or unstable person. And I've worked really hard to get where I am today. Where once I would go into major tantrums, now I use, I feel words. And having feelings about a relationship and needing to talk it out shouldn't be a bad thing at all.

Still. I genuinely loved her, and I thought she genuinely loved me too, and it is sad to think that, she only 'loved' me so long as everything was on her own terms. And I guess that's what she needs to be happy. It's for the best I know, I feel bad for hurting, but I do.

In the meantime, I've been really trying to heal this past few days. Feeling a little lost and confused. I still want to talk to her, I don't want to be her friend because I could never trust her again I don't think. But I want her to understand me as much as I've tried to understand her, and then have a less cowardly goodbye. As I used to call her courageous, but she could not even arrange a meeting or talk to me over the phone or see me face to face. Maybe she thought I was dangerous or I don't know. I just know I'm hurting and to attempt to talk to her to have her help me understand any further her behaviour and to understand my reaction to her 'silence' was NOT crazy, but to try to do so to her would only confirm, her "I'm attached, unstable, crazy and don't know how to leave a person alone when they say they are done with you." while ignoring the fact that just a few weeks ago she was talking about 'legit adopting me' she used those words. 'I want to legit adopt you'. I want to be your mom. I want to help you...I didn't know that her offer to help me was on her terms, so that I could be the person SHE wanted me to be in order to fit the image she had. And I'm feeling very sad about that even though I am working very hard to think of it in a more funny way in a new way that makes me feel more at peace.

All I wanted was to be accepted and understood and loved unconditionally by the woman who said she wanted to be my Mother. I shared so much self-disclosure with her not because I saw her as my therapist like she claims, but because I genuinely wanted her to know everything about me warts and all, and how far I had come, what I was working on or trying to figure out now, and be loved for it. Instead she judged me critically. For my anxiety, for my struggle to verbally talk with people (selective mutism), for having a hard time with writing details, it's like she invited me into her heart so she could criticize my worth as a human being and person, and I feel so stupid. Because I have no one else to blame for what has happened to me, but me.

If you haven't been able to talk with her, then there seems to be a lot of assumptions here. You want her to understand you, but not to be a friend? Did you ever express to her directly that you wanted to speak on a more personal level? These are genuine questions, because I'm just trying to make a little sense of this. It sounds like quite the tangled mess.

"b***h, you're not even that hot!" would be my reply to this overhyped stigma of today's female 20some generation (or let's say at least 20% of those) who think the sun shines out of their smelly ***** and who use "S" and "C" word like it's nothing whenever they feel too well towards (some) other people especially towards males.

Edit: oh I see you're a girl, not a guy, so that's perhaps why she used the S word instead of the C word I guess.

I admit I didn't read your whole post because it was too long but I did read your other post in the other thread. She didn't sound like a right friend for you. Someone who couldn't handle you and your issues. Maybe she did mean what she said but when she met you in person and saw how many problems you have, she couldn't handle it so her thoughts changed. She expected you to take her out to dinner and you have no income (I assume no disability payments either) so she is expecting you to do something you are unable to do. That isn't a good friend.

I texted and emailed her requesting that we talk, she replied with silence more silence, followed by I'm stalking her with my messages. I began to feel that my messages were only aggravating her due to continued silence. But I was genuinely confused, as she had completely disappeared without even telling me that she wanted me to stop talking to her, or that we weren't friends.

This past Weds however after I had started to make peace with the idea that her silence meant she did not want to talk to me anymore and that I did not want to be friends with someone who used silence as a method of communication. Even so, I texted her asking if everything she had promised had been a lie, because I was still curious about what I had done. She said she did not know who this is, suggesting she had either removed my number or was just saying that, and blocked my texts with her app (at which point hurt I had buried rose up). So I called this time in tears, begging her to please tell me what I had done wrong, that I keep trying to contact her because I don't know what I did wrong (my number went straight to message machine which it had done the first time I had tried to talk to her). She sent me an email shortly after that I received when I came home and finally made clear what League Girl has said.

In short she said that my many messages (in response to her going silent) scared her and that they were a sign of instability. Her interpretation of events was such, that she felt I was emotionally dependent on her and was not equipped to deal with me and that I needed psychiatric help and needed to be on medication, and that she could not help someone who did not help themselves by taking medication, and that she would do to me what she did to her Mother and other people in her family who displayed signs of instability while refusing medications, 'cut them out', followed by "I am done". Her reason that I needed to be on medication was related to my severe anxiety and selective mutism. As when I am not volunteering I spend all of my time in a dark basement with little desire or motivation to go outside or socialize.

My problem with this is that, the emotional dependence she described was encouraged by her. She repeatedly offered to help me in areas I told her I did not need help with, and when I took her offer to help, she told me to help myself and that she would not. I even have the emails and quotes and can quote them and my replies. She just created an environment that encouraged multiple emails (which originally I was wary of) but she rewarded them with, "I love your emails", "I thought about this and really want to help you." etc. etc. eventually this began to grow darker in that she became crueler. Deleting my emails, punishing me for writing the long emails she once said she loved and found insightful. Began to reject the unsolicited help that she had offered---was I emotionally dependent? Perhaps. But I feel that she kept encouraging it, and when she decided she didn't like it snapped. I thought it made her happy...at least it did in the beginning. She even suggested that when school was out she would have more time to email with me! I thought neat-o!! !

I should note that all this is from a woman who self-medicates with alcohol, drugged her friend for crying too much about her deceased husband, and asked for my painkiller prescriptions should I receive them when my wisdom teeth are removed (so her diagnosis of me as unstable and crazy and needing of medication is unreliable "I think"). I'm not anti-meds, but she refused to understand that I am VERY sensitive to medication and that I have had seizures on medications and severe side effects, some of which I believe caused long-term damage. This has caused me to search for alternatives: Buddhism, Natural Medicines that have been scientifically studied and proven. CBT, and meditation. They may not have been working as fast as SHE wanted them to work, but they had worked for me as I went from never leaving my house for several years to volunteering actively 2-4x's per week.

She also refused to acknowledge that I have been in therapy and in and out of hospitals since I was 7 years old! And that I was not in therapy at present because I needed more help than the free services provided, and that I had no insurance to get Autistic Treatment from a Specialist who could I believed help me with independent living skills, and the specific problems I struggled with which were the roots of my anxiety.

Thus, I felt at this point that I knew what a therapist could and could not help me with, and had been told by my own Therapist that what I needed in a therapist at this point for was to bounce ideas off of because I was so good at analyzing and knowing myself. Even my current therapist (psychiatrist, an option that became available to me recently), who I feel I do need to help me cope with some things about myself and others has said that I have a "Therapist's mind" and that I'm very good at analyzing my feelings and figuring it out. What I am very slow at is problem-solving, putting two separate ideas together, and then channeling them into action, as I spend a lot of time processing information, but when it's processed the information I have is very insightful. Historically and present this has impressed my therapists.

But this "friend" never acknowledged my experience with medicine and doctors, or my improvements (that even my therapists acknowledged), and perhaps she could not see them as I do admit I was distracted by our friendship. She gave and showed me a lot of attention and I enjoyed having someone in my life who seemed to genuinely care about me as much as I cared about them. That gradually began to sour especially as she began to lash back and become another person entirely. A person who I could love equally if she had helped me understand what was going on in her mind. So while I am not by any means perfect, I was willing to modify my behaviour with discussion to understand what I was doing was inappropriate and how to react.



I have never thought about it that way but it does help to see it this way. I did try to explain some of these things to her while I was melting down, when I was trying to express clearly what I was feeling. Like she is expecting me to do what I am unable.

Last night I let myself be sad about it. It is hard for me to grasp that people can change their mind, only because I take so long to think about things, that when I finally make a decision I am usually decided. Things can happen that change that but I do not do it suddenly, it is gradually and I have discussions with people. So definitely your post has given me some perspective on things.


At first I reacted with anger and bitterness. I reacted the way she acted with me, she called me unstable, but then I analyzed her behaviour and realized that she did not display completely sane behaviour either. And then I felt angry at being judged, and judged back. I needed reassurance outside of myself, as I felt unsure about who I was. She had imposed I was crazy and unstable on me and I had genuinely begun to believe that she was right and that I did not deserve friendships at all. So my anger occurred when I began to explain the situation in full and began to see that what was happening was not 'all me' and that my reactions were not entirely unreasonable. Blame is a double edged sword. I took responsibility since I couldn't blame her, thus, I blamed me, and I went back and forth on that. Where responsibility turned into blaming myself. Drinking poison hoping the other person would die and yanking at the arrow (Buddhist sayings).

Then I realized I was really just hiding genuine sadness and pain at having been both rejected and thrown away without much thought or discussion. I really needed to acknowledge the hurt I was trying to deny and push away with Anger. So I let myself cry last night and wrote here what I was feeling. I decided I would no longer blame myself or her, but instead just see things as they are without adding any labels to it. I would acknowledge what happened, and acknowledge and accept what is now.

Now I think I need to focus on forgiveness of myself for any short-comings I feel caused this, and to forgive her and to show compassion to myself and others, and on my happiness and self-worth. To put a soothing balm on the wound in my heart.

I'm trying to change my perspective, and to do so I am doing visualization and meditations, and trying to associate positive feelings and ideas with the situation, and will continue to do this every day until it feels like nothing (no pain). I am writing stories, and trying to embrace happy moments. As well as embracing who I am as a person despite all my "flaws" , which I now view as my mentors too.

It's not easy, but little by little I am getting there. Guess at the end of the day we're all a little bit lost, me, her, everyone, what can we do but get there or try to one day at a time in our own way.

Hey, taodream, I can totally relate to you.

I had met a girl when I go traveling, I was getting too attached to that girl and had obsessive action which scared her. No doubt that she rejected me. I could write the same long paragraphs at that time like you.

Everything will pass.