Eye contact

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Does anyone else have problems maintaining or making eye contact with others, or not know "how long" to keep eye contact? It just feels weird and too personal to me and i don't like doing it too often or only for a few split seconds when I do.

Lots of autistic people have problems with eye contact, but for different reasons, depending on the individual.

My boyfriend says he finds it physically painful.

My own problem is one of multitasking: I can't do eye contact and focus on the content of a conversation at the same time (unless the topic of the conversation happens to be physical appearance of the other person's eyes). I usually do very brief eye contact at the beginning of a conversation, just to get the other person's attention. But then, once the conversation gets going, not only can I not make eye contact, I also cannot make fake eye contact (e.g. looking at someone's forehead). When I'm focused on a conversation, my mind disengages almost completely from my eyes; I might as well be blind.

I'm like Mona and her boyfriend combined.

You know that electric buzz sound you hear when someone touches a guitar jack that's plugged into an amplifier? That's how I feel when I'm making eye contact. Also, as a man, on a primal level when another man wants to make a lot of eye contact it's feels like an act of aggression; I can almost feel my upper lip start to curl to bare my teeth.

I see in pictures. When I talk, I'm recounting the images I've just seen in my mind. I can't effectively make eye contact and "watch" my thoughts at the same time.

Also, eye contact is subjective. There is no perfect or set amount of eye contact since one person's idea of the "right" amount is different from another. In some respect, it's a guessing game. I don't do well with that aspect at all.

I mostly have eye contact problems when I have anxiety or I'm afraid of how the person would look at me.

It comes across as being untrustworthy to people.

Plenty of precious lil "people" had the nerve to tell me that "what the f**k are you looking at?". They were too enthusiastic.

Some precious lil "people" have the nerve to tell me "look at me when I am talking to you"

What are you talking about?

f**k those ass holes

Thus far none of them measured the angle of my ugly fat stupid head with protractor

I have problems with eye contact. I was not as much aware of it before my diagnosis.
I am married and it has become a repeated issue during arguments with my wife. If I get overwhelmed in a verbal argument I often have a tendency to burry my head in my hands, literally grab my hair and look down or close my eyes. It helps me to listen and concentrate and also helps me when I get overwhelmed and defensive when I get "overloaded". She hates it and keeps telling me to "look at her", I think she relates it as a gesture of no interest or not relating to her, which is not true at all. I struggle with this...

I do this too, except for the hair-grabbing part. (I'm more likely to grab one hand with the other hand, or grab my knees.)


Have you tried showing her some online info about the difficulties many autistic people have with eye contact?

The matter of eye contact is very different for males and females. Watch people interact at coffee shops, restaurants, bars, parks. Two females will always be face to face and looking intently into each others face the whole time. If you don't face a female she will be offended and feel you aren't being honest with her, you have something to hide.
Men on the other hand are the opposite. Face to face, esp. standing, is highly confrontational. So most friends will stand or sit at an angle, even facing the same direction. To me, the words count and the facial expressions are mostly fluff.
And this is hard-wired genetically. Go to any school playground and you'll see the girls sitting in circles chatting, touching, etc. They are all about social cohesion, non-confrontation (at least not direct confrontation). The guys are out competing or confronting in dominance play. This goes back to the chimps. Go to the zoo and stare at a chimp, esp. a big male. Don't be surprised if he throw feces at you. You have challenged his status and he's not going to take it!
Wtxger: Your wife must accept your condition and overcome her innate sense of insult -- or you must get out of that relationship.
And for strangers, try practicing on them. They're low risk -- they don't matter in your life. Try to get to where you can do enough eye contact that they don't react negatively to you, and that you can tolerate. Small changes, go with what works. Be patient with yourself.

My mom taught me eye contact when I was young because it didn't come natural to me. I'm ok at it now, but like others have mentioned, I can still struggle with it when multi-tasking, or when it seems too intimate. My husband noted to me once that sometimes I will turn my back and stare at the floor while talking to him. Sometimes it's because he's too handsome and I get distracted looking at him, lol.

I think I can make eye contact fairly well, but it does feel a bit too intimate.

I also tend to become 'distracted' and examining my interlocutor's facial features, make-up, nail polish, their outfit, etc. And I always feel concerned about something when making eye contact (and this will sound awfully silly)- which eye should I look at? I can't look into both eyes at the same time, so I feel I need to choose one. I generally end up going from one to the other, and combining that alternation with the person's facial features.

My husband and I rarely make eye contact, only when we discuss something serious and even then, we don't hold it. We mostly sit next to each other (even when eating out), and talk staring at the front, at the food, etc. But for us, that's normal, we don't need eye contact to show appreciation, attention nor anything, we show that verbally and with a few physical gestures (holding hands, for instance).

And even when we talk about very serious things, something that upsets us or whatever, we sit next to each other and look at the front.

Yeah I used to find it really hard to keep eye contact but after being pestered about it I would look at the space between their eyes instead. It was fine for a good while but now I can't even do that and tend to look in the opposite direction of someone while talking to them, next to their head or at a nearby object such as my phone. It is an incredibly uncomfortable thing for me to have to maintain eye contact and after finding out the usual amount of time to hold it is 2-5 seconds I found myself counting it to make sure it was just right.

Yes, it's weird to keep the eye contact for a long period of time but if you don't do it it's a clear sign of weakness. Start with looking into your eyes in the mirror and then start looking at the stranger from the streets. Step by step you'll become better. It is a skill that needs practice.

Concerning the Autism Spectrum, it's not just difficulties making eye-contact - but concerns (sometimes valid) that eye- contact might be misconstrued.

This. Otherwise I am highly expressive (I do not have alexithymia) and have fairly normal eye contact - I think, but my NT director might say otherwise.
* My Aspie-like daughter dislikes eye contact and it's a treat when she briefly looks at me, but I can see her discomfort.
* My maybe-NT son will look at me as he's explaining something and I soak it up... I love to look him in the eyes and almost can't think because it's so amazing, his innocence, his energy.

I do not feel this way with anybody else. My husband is NT, but unexpressive like my ASD-like daughter. My BFF is Aspie-like and unexpressive. I'm uncomfortable around friends (so probably look away at odd times, but normal enough).

It seems to be getting "worse" since diagnosis, last year. I avoid looking at people that I don't like and stop making eye contact when I'm loosing concentration/waiting for someone to leave my space/ feeling bored by the conversation.

My daughter (3rd grade) said she doesn't like to make eye contact b/c she doesn't want people to think she is "spying". After we talked about it a bit about eye contact (cultural differences, etc.), I challenged her to a staring contest (something she's brought home from school). We both won one go at it. I googled for "spying" related to eye contact and ASD and don't readily find similar descriptions. We are individuals.