I feel socially broken

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I have forgotten how to feel enthusiasm about other human beings. I'm not sure if I ever felt that enthusiasm about others that I see people have. Even among the countless other autistic people I have known, I am one of the least social. This is ironic, because I am relatively high-functioning when I have to be, and this extends to socializing. I know how to be polite and affable and tactful (most of the time...).

The issue is that I loathe interacting with others. I can enjoy it, sometimes, but it feels like walking on ice at all times.
I have never trusted another human being (except ethically-bound professionals). I don't know how anyone expects me to trust anyone else. Society, my peers, and my family have all conditioned me to expect rejection for who I am. I am autistic and queer and trans and politically radical. I have opinions that are unpopular with the vast majority of the other human beings I meet. Some people can trust more easily, simply because they are surrounded by people with whom they can be honest.
I have never identified with another human being. Out of all the shades of weirdo I've met, I've never, ever met someone who seemed like they would "get" me. I have never met another person who seemed to share my values or worldviews. I've never met someone I felt like I could talk to without being judged or attacked or dismissed.

The usual advice, when I describe such issues, is to just not fixate on having deeper relationships. I've tried to follow that advice for many years. But now that I'm at the point in my social relationships where I almost want to get closer, but I just don't trust anyone--anyone! I don't expect anyone to listen to me when I disagree with them, so I almost never openly disagree with anyone around me. Hell, why should I? I never see it work out well for anyone else! Why should I try that sh!t?
At the same time, I don't want to just retreat into myself. I don't want to die alone... But I can't trust. I don't remember how. I don't remember how to just casually, openly disagree with friends and family like most people do.

It sounds like you need to build your self confidence. My therapist suggested i become good at something, like a hobby. I hope things work out.

Gosh, I hope things start to work out for you...Personally have had similiar social issues for a long time .
And Trust seems far and few these days, at least for me.

Confidence doesn't have much to do with trust in this instance. I do not trust people. I do not trust their standards. I do not trust their principles. I do no trust their politics. I do not trust their advice. I do not trust them to not lie to themselves.
And I definitely don't trust people who trust others. It's unsettling.

Confidence is almost a problem, because as time goes by I feel more vindicated for rejecting the people around me. Haha! Maybe I AM better than these people! I try desperately not to think so, because arrogance is the mind killer, but everyone I have ever met is a disappointment. Whether it's among my peers or older people, it doesn't matter. I admire no one. I have faith in no one.

I don't even bother trying to debate any of them, because I don't trust anyone to listen to anything I have to say. I've tried to take some small solace in watching condescending people squirm as their own worldviews prove inadequate.

I've been reflecting more and more how my social habits and attitudes differ from the norm in kind of big ways

• I have always assumed rejection from any person in whom I have ever any interest. Any interest. Platonic, romantic, sexual, academic, professional, or even if I think they seem like an interesting person to get to know. In 7 years of college (HAHAHAHA that was fun), I never initiated a single conversation with a peer if I could avoid it. I never talked to any of my instructors either. As far back as kindergarten, I told my parents to (explicitly) kill me with a gun if my crush found out I liked her. I assume not just rejection, but revulsion. I didn't want to gross her out. I feel obnoxious, feeling interested in anyone. An irritant.
  
• I reflexively try to avoid anyone in whom I have any interest. I don't always do so. I have had "friends". I have had "relationships", but...:
  
• I have not been direct or emotionally honest since I was a child. I lie to others about how I am feeling. I pretend to be happier than I am. I play along in all social and family gatherings until I am allowed to be alone. This causes me to feel NOTHING towards everyone around me, which leads to resentment.
  
• I avoid starting any conflict to an unhealthy degree. I avoid ever getting into arguments with friends or family. This leads to other conflicts, which I also avoid, until I can't, and then my relationships die. Which leads to resentment.
  
• I end up resenting the people in my life, because I do not resolve any of my conflicts with them. I know this is unhealthy and unfair, but here I am. I trust no one. What part of this equation would make me feel like I could talk to them?
  
• I bottle up my anger more than most of the people I know. Never let it out. I have never once believed anyone has wanted me to be honest with them when I am angry with them. Everyone insists otherwise, and I feel lied to every single time. Why? Why would I believe any of you? I observe people. I am not stupid. I see how things go. I watch the relationships of those around me. The only reason I don't rub this in people's faces constantly is because it's depressing as hell. I feel surrounded by people who are emotionally stunted and deluded. Have I mentioned I have never trusted anyone?
  
• I am distrustful of people who have friends. (Yes, I know how obviously unhealthy that is). I distrust the principles of society. I distrust those who easily fit in with society. I distrust the principles of those who are not willing to lose friends at a moment's notice. Most people are not prepared to be alone, and I don't trust them for it. You know what lengths people will go to in order to fit in. (Again, I know this is not good or healthy, but here I am).
  
• I mentioned I assume rejection, but rejection isn't the worst outcome of a relationship. No, the worst outcome is if I am the one doing the rejecting. That's much, MUCH worse. Rejection is easy compared to rejecting. I'll carry on relationships I have little interest in just because I would rather force myself to be interested than to reject someone. Relationships are worth avoiding just for rejectION, let alone rejectING. Rejection makes me wanna cry. Rejecting makes me want to slash my wrists.

It's all interconnected, so I end up talking in circles.
I'm tired. I would feel worse about avoiding everyone, but for f***'s sake (I will say it as many times as I have to), I trust no. One. No one. Not one person. Unless they are a paid professional.

Have you made a point of seeking out spaces where you could find people who shared as much of the above as possible?

For example, have you ever gone to an LGBTQ+ community center, such as this one? There are several LGBTQ+ community centers in Indiana.

Also, have you participated in political groups such as the Stonewall Solidarity Committee of the Central Indiana Democratic Socialists of America?

Perhaps the DSA might not be quite "politically radical" enough for you, but hopefully it has subgroups where you could find people with values that are at least reasonably close to yours, and in any case the DSA does have lots of subgroups representing a wide variety of marginalized communities.


In what kinds of contexts have you been meeting these various shades of weirdos?


While I do think that fixating too much on finding deep relationships can be counterproductive, that would not be the extent of my advice.

What I suspect is that you might need to become more systematic about seeking out groups of fellow weirdos of various specific kinds. In none of these groups will you likely get along with everyone or even the majority, but hopefully you might be able to find a few kindred spirits here and there, if you meet enough people in enough different oddball groups.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 17 Jul 2025, 10:50 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Have you ever made a point of trying to learn how to be more assertive, without being aggressive? (Here is my list of tutorials on assertiveness, by a variety of authors.)


By "ethically-bound professionals," are you referring to psychotherapists here? If you have been in therapy, have you ever made learning to be more assertive a therapy goal?