Over-reading?

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I've found that, when I was younger and before I knew about AS, I had no idea that I was missing cues. So I was able to just happily talk to people and not constantly worry about whether I was doing it "right". Looking back I think most people found me irritating (I certainly never got invited anywhere), but at least I wasn't constantly fretting, so I enjoyed socializing a lot more.

Now that I've realized there are rules to socializing, I can hardly do it without over-analyzing everything I do and everything the other person does. Every time the person checks their watch or blinks or coughs I think I've done something wrong, but it never helps because I never know WHAT I could have done. This extends over to text too, because in IM conversations I feel like I'm being judged if someone uses an ellipse in a certain place or takes a long time to answer. I constantly feel like I'm being judged by everyone and I just want to hide. I've become fully paranoid and socializing is like trying to do a puzzle when you can't see the side with the picture on it. I feel like I'm just groping in the dark. People do seem to like me more, but I like them a lot less because they stress me out so badly!

Does anyone else have this problem with over-interpreting cues? Should I just go back to not trying to interpret them at all? I feel like I've learned enough to know that I'm wrong but not enough to correct it and be right. It's horribly undermining to my confidence, and it definitely sucks all the fun out of having friends.

Yes, I've been going through the same thing for a year, ever since I was diagnosed. It's finally starting to get better, because I now realize that I'm always going to struggle with reading social cues, and my Theory of Mind still stinks - I can't easily put myself in other's shoes without working really hard at thinking about it. Like you said, this is sooo much work that it just becomes frustrating to deal with people at all. I used to be so happy and carefree when interacting with people, and now I realize that I used to unintentionally hurt their feelings a lot. Ironically, now that I'm less interested in interacting with people or trying to connect with them, they actually seem to like me better!! How twisted is that? I guess it's because I'm not as pushy and talkative now, because I no longer put forth as much of an effort to share my opinions or feelings with other people. Now that I often act more reserved (in a way that I would have used to call "snotty"), NTs actually respond better to me. What a joke! But I'm getting used to it. And my self-esteem is improving, so hang in there - yours will too! Don't concentrate on reading too much into other's reactions. Just concentrate on communicating with others in a style that you yourself would like if you were in the other person's shoes. And then if it works, fine. If it doesn't, fine. Either way, you'll be able to feel good about yourself and know that you did your best to connect with the person, and you can leave it at that without beating yourself up. It takes awhile to get to this point of self-acceptance, but you'll make it. Just have patience with yourself!!

Yeah, I definitely over analyze too, wondering if someone actually likes me or not, what they are thinking, etc.

Check out this thread I started a while back: CLICK HERE!! !!

I have that problem too. I was speaking to some of my fellow aspies about this at our support group meeting last night, and we all had the same problem!

I can still get annoyed with myself over things that happened years ago!

I think the solution is to find a 'happy medium'. Not reading social cues will probably just cause a different set of problems (as you experienced when you were younger), but over-analysing can drive you to extreme stress and anxiety.

It's important not to blame yourself. Any kind of conversation is a 2-way process so even if there is a misunderstanding, both people could be responsible, not just you.

Also, you know that you are an aspie, so you know and accept that you have difficulty reading cues - so you need to 'allow' yourself to make mistakes sometimes, because you are only human and these things happen - both to aspies and non-aspies.

i do that all the time.
yet, i feel better than before i knew about AS. before, i just didnt work with other people, which made me quite unhappy. reading up on AS, i found clues where those problems could be, and i see that most of it is quite probable.

also, reading more on the workings of NTs, i could give names to what i dislilked about people instead of the vague feeling of not-liking i had before.

I do this, but only with people obsessions, not with anyone I do not feel attached to in any way generally.

Yes I do this, it is very frustrating. It makes me not want to be around people. I can never figure out what people think of me. This seems to be a trait that most people on this site have in common.

Yes, yes, and yes.

Sigh.

Unfortunately the only thing I've found that reduces this is alcohol.

I stupidly asked a friend how I came across and was told that people think I'm insensitive. Ever since then I constantly think that people don't want to be around me and that I'm upsetting people, but I don't realise myself when this is. Recently, the same friend told me that I'm worrying too much and that I'm actually not as bad at socialising as I thought.

God I'm confused.

I've also realised that I don't have any self-esteem. Not a jot.

I over-interpret all the time. It causes arguments because when I ask for clarification on body language or other small cues (that may or may not mean anything), people think I'm accusing them of something.

That's very true! I sometimes resent the pressure to be "taught" to socialize correctly. People don't try to force people in wheelchairs to learn to walk when it's clear their legs don't work...

now thats what i call a striking metaphor, chairbreak. ill commit that one to memory.

as graelwyn posted that she only over-interprets people obsessions, i noticed that actually, i only over-read people when i have some interest in them. for 99% of all people, i dont care and therefore, dont feel any urge to know anything about them.
(i recently told my cousin that to be a real misanthropist, i needed to care more about people. i guess that sums the aspiedom quite up)

God, it's uncanny, whenever I'm having a problem I read these forums and find EXACTLY what I was having a problem with. I'm having this problem too, it leads me to always feel the need to over explain my intentions and feel awkward when something I say doesn't get the response I anticipated. I find it easier to talk via instant message and such, but I do have this problem, like when the answers are short I take it that I did something wrong. But I'm trying to learn that it isn't that people don't like me or what not, sometimes, they are just tired or don't have that much to say, yet even though I know that is the case most of the times, I still get paranoid that it could be something more, and in the past have bothered people and come off as needy. It takes me to fight the urge to ask "If I did something wrong" and not care.

I definatly have this problem , long ago back in the mists of time i was fairly ok about socialising with my freinds but now i have none as my paranoia means that i always think people are just being polite rather than genuine when i talk with them. I would much prefer it if people just told me to shut up, rather than just stare at me blankly whilst i ramble on and on getting ever more desperate for some sign that my input is having some kind of effect . For me talking to people is the same as talking to the wall , i seem to get very little feedback and that which i do get i cant trust that i am reading correctly. I have the most difficulty with boredom and fascination , strangely despite the fact they would be opposite feelings i cannot tell them apart in the face of the person with whom i am communicating. I find it very disconcerting and yet the desire to discuss things with people means i still continue on occasion to open myself up to this hurt.

bb natty