How socially isolated you are or have been

Post Reply New Topic

When I was younger I was extremely socially isolated.Half of the people at school ignored me and the other half made it thier destination to make my life a living hell.I had no friends until I was 12 years old and in the 6th grade.


-SpaceCase

I too had the isolation problem. If you have ever seen a movie called "Can't Buy Me Love" from the 80's, in the end, the guy was rejected by even the nerds.

Yeah, I was that guy. From the looks of it, you all know the feeling. I wish you didn't.

I remember once a bunch of Freshman, as a Senior in H.S. in the cafeteria, the only place worse than gym class, all stopped eating and asked me, smirking, "Why are you sitting here?" I was at the end of their table, on the deserted half. I went there after getting pelted by thrown fruit in the senior's lounge...

... by the girls.

Yeah, High School was a blast. I spent every lunch in the computer lab from that day forward. Suicide was a constant thought, but fear of going to hell kept me from it. Luckily, things got worse after I left H.S. where people who were, before, bullying me, had control of my career. But, I'm not whining -- I'm alone, riddled with gifts, and can do things NT's only dream of. It's bound to pay-off eventually when I find a place that measures my contributions objectively and I don't find bosses who fiercely want nothing to do with knowing what I do on a daily basis. Some choice sentences:

"We don't understand what you do, so all we have to go on is how many hours you work."

"Yes, we realize you don't have enough work to do in forty hours, but it is an unwritten rule you work fifty-five hours a week." This was after I finished a major system for them (alone, of course) and they couldn't get it to break, so I had nothing to do all day but study X-Windows programming for fun.

"I've been hearing your name lately." I responded, "In a bad way?" They responded, "I don't know: I just know that I've been hearing your name a lot and that isn't good."

Has anyone else dealt with this: Every person who "liked" me would joke, whenever I used my gift, that they "hate me". "I hate you!" they'd laugh. "I wish I could do that!" I just got it again today at the age of 32 over IM. It seems like we get a double-whammy against us socially: first, we don't know how to connect socially (I call this social tone-deafness -- like the people we laugh at on American Idol, we don't have the slightest clue we're making a fool of ourselves, and I don't think our condition is any more serious than tone-deafness in reality [but in practice, it is, but we all know it is a cultural problem]). Then, we get another whammy by having a gift other people wish they had. I've been cursed/gifted with an ability to learn extremely fast and apply instantly. I've applied it to music, art, and computer programming: all things someone at some time has said "I hate you" over. One kid in 8th grade actually told me he didn't like me anymore because I played piano -- I lost a friend because of a gift! People seem to express that I am hurting them whenever I do anything they cannot. For a long time, I tried to hide my gifts to avoid hurting people, but it never worked and now I've wasted years of time where I could have been focussing on my strengths instead of being tone-deaf and trying to carry a tune.

What a waste of time that was! I learned all about personalities, formed all kinds of working theories that proved right, yet I couldn't emulate properly the kind of personality that broke even socially. Damn tone-deafness! There were times I thought I did stellar in a job interview: I didn't gesture too grandly, but enough, I did not show a defensive posture, I kept completely positive, etc., and I didn't even get a second interview. You guys know how that is.

How do we win in this situation except to give the world at large the proverbial finger and enjoy our gifts, alone? But, since being alone is safe and comfortable, is that bad? Dr. Laura once said that some people don't get married and live their lives alone and that is okay. I tend to believe her. I'm not unhappy now; in fact, I LOVE coming home and being alone where I don't have to fake it all day. Why can't that be a reason to rejoice? Who is telling us it shouldn't be... society?

Who cares about them?

(I read this and it sounded like whining. I'm sorry; I'm not whining, I'm actually really happy. Those things that happened were life lessons. I wouldn't trade this for anything!)

I have had 2 "friends" my whole life, but half the time I wasnt sure if they were really my friends or not.

I used to be exited by the prospect of talking to people online, and made many internet friends a few years back, but then became more isolated again.

I don't really participate in online discussions much. I dont know why, I just don't have much motivation for that anymore it seems. I mean... I must have read 1000 posts for every post i've actually written on here.
I'm such a lurker.
But I occaisonally feel like saying the odd useless thing. such as this.

When I was little, I didnt have much social interaction with others at all. I didnt like when people touched me or made a fuss of me. When I was about 5 years old, I was stood on some steps in the school playground and this girl was running around hugging people. She came up to me and threw her arms around me. This made me scream and I pushed her down the steps. Needless to say I got a bollocking of my teacher and she never came near me again. Nowadays, I allow family members to touch me, a partner if I have one and friends that Ive known for a long time that I can trust. However, I don't like people who don't know me very well to touch me and if they do I go stiff as I don't want to scream and draw attention to myself nor do I want to harm them. They usually stop contact when they see that Im not enjoying their undesired attention.

I never used to make a big fuss of events such as my own birthday because, unless I was really friendly with someone, I didnt want people to make a fuss of me. So as a child I never really asked for birthday parties, although my parents did hold a few small ones for me as they said they would have felt guilty had they not. My sister on the other hand loved (and still does like) being the centre of attention and had to go to theme parks with loads of friends or have big parties for her birthday. However, as I got older, round about the age of 15, I started to socialise. It made me nervous to do it but I did get a bit lonely sometimes and I thought the only way to alleviate that would be to actually make the effort to talk to others, so I did. I decided that I wanted a party for my 16th as its the done thing so I had one and it was great. I also celebrated my 18th and my 21st and wont bother now until I hit 30 (in 7 years time) as I dont see the point.

These days I am able to socialise with others with very little difficulty, provided Im not with a group of people who think its fun to be nasty to each other, I think thats weird and I wont do it. I was in that situation recently at work and I couldnt deal with it because they were that bad to each other (and to me!), they bullied one another, got some kick out of it and were all still 'friends'. I know the difference between a joke or 'banta' as its called and nastiness and, I kid you not, this was nastiness. I found this to be a bit sick so I isolated myself from them (so I do still do it). But because I was in an area where I knew no one else and was away from trusted friends and family, I decided to quit my job and Im now at home looking for another one. And Im surrounded by people I know I can trust and feel comfortable being around. And I think that whether you're an Aspie or not, it is important to feel that there are people around you who you know you can trust and be happy with, Im sure you'll all agree.

My adolescence so far has been empty, drawn by the paradox asked every day in my mind: I must go out and socialise, because I can do it if only I meet the right people/ Why the hell should I socialise? Added on are practical problems; I have no idea where to go to agree things with others, and it just feels like I've missed my chance to find a well defined social place.

I was socially isolated, near-completely, until the age of 20. After that, I met one girl I was able to communicate with; she has ADD and is used to dealing with "odd" people. She introduced me to other "weirdos"... and something just clicked. We are all eccentric; and none of us are popular in the normal sense of the word; but somehow there was an unspoken agreement: If you accept me for who I am, I'll accept you. It's worked. We play role-playing games like D&D... we discuss everything from military strategy to Star Trek... we play word games... we enjoy banter. And never, never will you find the plague of socially acceptable "small talk" among us.

The problem now, two years later, is that the more "normal" members of the group are seniors in college; and they are pairing off. For some reason, it seems that they are buying into the idea that you need to be married by the time you are out of college; and now they often spend more time as couples.

Since we are all naturally unsociable, or have low social skills but want to be with people, this has resulted in a lowering of the time we spend together--from about eight hours a week to about one or two. (I realize "normal" groups may spend as much as 20 hours together, but I simply could not handle that much interaction.)

I will graduate or move away soon; and I don't think I will ever find anything like these people again. I hope, of course, that I might, but such groups are probably relatively unique.

I find those sort of groups abound on the internet, Cal. Even one of my extrovert social genius friends plays D&D and "nerd" stuff like that. People that can just sit in silence and not feel uncomfortable are rare, I find. A pity.

at times I've been.
lets see k to 6th grade had pretty much the same 3 friends and couple
other then and now.
7th some, 8th no friends at all( or not any real friends)
freshmen: around 3 or 4
sophomore: same as freshmen
junior: 12 or more
senior: 10 more or less
from age 19 to 23:
basically now I have ''distant friends''
who I see every once in awhile

I was a "normal" kid until I turned 4. Then everyone started noticing that I was different and I got made fun of a few times. I had a few friends here and there, but I could never make lifelong friends. My sister was kind enough to lend me her group of friends in high school and they accepted me.

After high school, I started college at square 1 again. I found out last year that I had aspergers, so it all made sense to me. I didnt want to accept it at first but there was no other way. I'm reading books on social communication, and studying people to see how they interact with one another. The nice thing about my college, is that everyone who goes there is a geek. They dont make fun of me, but they are the "normal" kind of geeks, and eventually even they pair off and form relationships like everyone else.

Im still struggling to find my niche. I meet a lot of acquaintances, but I dont have very many close friends. I hope that eventually I can break down the wall and go to cool parties like everyone else.. and fit in. I graduate in a year and a quarter, and I'm terrified of the prospect of being out there on my own. I found out my field involves a lot more social posturing then I realized and I'm afraid I could give people the wrong impression.

But, I think I will survive. I always have, in one way or another.

I mostly have no social life besides online since I was like 14 (for a few years after that I would sometimes like sit with people at lunch but they were the bullies so I would generally get treated like s**t, mostly I didnt care.) For a couple periods of that time i did hang out with some cool kids (like the term I played Euchre every day at lunch with one of my acquientances (certainly not a friend but he was cool) and two of his) but generally not.

_________________
"we never get respect ... never a fair trial
[swearing removed by lau] ... as long as we smile"
Im tired of smiling.

Vote for me in 2020