You're so quiet...

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I think that if someone you don't know says that to you, it's okay to say "have we met?" or (if you might ought to know them something like "I'm afraid I've forgotten your name".

Someone explained to me once that when someone says a conversation opener to you, it's okay to answer any way you like, and it's a good idea to have some standard replies ready. If you're being quiet because you really need some down time it's right to say "I've got a lot on my mind, I need some quiet time." If they hear this from you a lot, they will work out that you are a person who needs a lot of quiet time.

If you'd like to have a conversation, you could say something like "I was thinking about trains. It's my tenth anniversary of being a rail enthusiast today, I'm going to the station all day to celebrate." Someone said that to me once, and I thought in principle telling people what you are interested in is a great idea. After instead of saying "you are very quiet" again, they might say "seen any good trains lately?"

Does that help?

Yes, gotten that all my life. I have settled on the response "It's just my way". I got this from decades ago, when a coworker asked me a question, and I thought he really wanted an answer! So I launched into a monologue designed to give him a context and really cover the subject (thereby rendering him glassy-eyed and nearly unconscious). Afterwards, I heard him mention to another coworker "Here I thought she was so quiet and then she goes and gives me a five minute lecture!" The other coworker said "well, that's just her way". The first coworker slowly nodded and said "ohhh, yeah..." and seemed to be satisfied. Ever since, I've have tried that myself, giving a little shrug and saying the magic phrase and most folks just drop the subject after that. Don't know why it works.

People always comment on how quiet I am or make cracks like "OMG, she CAN talk" when I do. I used to get kind of hurt by that kind of comment, now I just shrug at them and leave. (unless it's been a bad day, then I tend to snap at them that I'm quiet, not mute)

Ohh I HATE it when people do that! Exactly what are they trying to accomplish by saying that?

To be honest it is quite funny, and they are probably saying it to make a joke, and make people other than the quiet one feel more at ease with them. If people say it about me I just laugh with them. I'd be interested to know what they think when I do that. I generally feel more awkward if people say 'Aww, you shouldn't say that' than from the offending statement.

I never know how to answer when people say "you're so quiet" or when people ask "Why are you so quiet?"

One time someone asked "Why are you so quiet?" and I said "I'm not quiet" and she made a really big deal out of it and kept telling everyone "Can you believe that she thinks that she's not quiet?!"
so I don't know what I'm supposed to do when someone says "you're so quiet"

Hey! You stole my thread!

Just kidding. I'm just amazed that you're saying word for word exactly how I feel about this situation.

Here's how sucky it's been for me to have the quiet label: You know how some high school or middle school classes find it fun to have the "Funny Awards"? They were giving one to each memeber of the 8th graduating class I thought I was gonna get something like the biggest b*tch but do they give me? Quietest?! WTF is remotely 'Funny' about that?!

And when I was on crew for a fall play production they displayed all the crew and cast members name on a bulletin outside the theater with nicknames for each one. Mine was Mary "Shhhh" Upton with some follow description of my so-called quietness (note I dunno who made those bulletins). Dear god was I totally s**ty for the whole day. That's not even f**king clever!

And top it all off with the time that two of my supervisors were discussing something with me and I dunno how to respond and so they start saying to each other "maybe she's got some sort of terribly sad 'sob story' to explain her quietness" and laugh...infront of my effin presence!! !

Honestly I'm baffled when people come up to me and tell me how quiet I am because I'm not even aware of it half the time. This was back when I assumed when everyone naturally develop social skills and there was no such things as ASDs.

I suspect what they really mean is, "I know you tend to be quiet, but I feel like conversing so could you talk with me a little (even though I'm not yet sure I know you well enough to invite you to converse with me about something specific)?"


I greatly prefer it when people call me quiet to when they describe me as shy, though. It makes me feel like I'm just a pathetic little wallflower to them with nothing to offer.

People just think to point out the most obvious thing to start a conversation. I get that a lot and also I'm really short so I've always heard, "Wow, you're really short" and sometimes I feel like saying, "No! Really?? I hadn't noticed! Thanks for pointing that out!"

That, I think, sounds like the most accurate and fair assessment of the reason someone would say that.

I feel a bit strange about it, but I recently found myself on the other side of this for a change, when I met a girl I rather like who seems to say even less than I do. What Apple_in_my_Eye wrote is almost exactly the sort of thing that was going through my own mind.

And I think there might also be mixed in somewhere a bit of thinking like: "you don't say a lot to me, and I'm hoping you will tell me if you're not talking to me because I'm doing something wrong. Maybe I seem unapproachable to you, so I'll come to you first and tell you what's on my mind, and I hope you'll give me the same courtesy, or at least let me know if there's something wrong with me."

If I'm right about that, perhaps the best answer would be something like "You seem a very nice person to me, but I'm afraid I am not very good at talking to people, and I never know quite what to say. I may not say a lot, but I am listening, even if I don't seem to be. That's just the way I am, and I hope you understand."

I think I'll try that myself the next time someone tells me I'm quiet, and see what happens.

There can be innumerable reasons why someone may say such a thing, which may have positive, negative, or a mixed motivation/s. Removed from the situation as we are here, the closest to a correct interpretation I think we can give is speculation on the probability of each of these possibilities. Factors other than the words themselves can drastically change our capacity to judge, such as tone of voice, previous/subsequent experience with the person, or what we may know about them. I make a rule for myself to try to assume the best of people unless I have unambiguous contrary proof. I agree that it can be said rudely, but generally, I think it's highly unlikely to be more than mildly rude.

It's certainly annoying at times, whether or not the person telling me I'm quiet has friendly intentions, but that depends on me. I share the frustration of not knowing how to answer such a statement / "question" and agree that it's probably most often said to cause the quiet person to speak. Having a ready answer seems like a good idea, especially for commonly encountered situations and others we have reason to expect.

Mostly when people talk about someone being 'quiet' it usually refers to the fact that someone is not very communicative. Or if they are slightly communicative, they tend to keep mostly to themselves or just don't give up a lot of information.

Being talkative or not very talkative has several tradeoffs. If someone likes to keep information about themselves private, they usually have a good reason for doing so. However some people might assume they're withholding information because they think they have something to hide. It can make people veeeeeeeeery suspicious.

Where this might be an issue is if the 'quiet' person is somehow unhappy with the other person but won't articulate how or why.

I think you're correct. When people talk, normally you don't expect them to say the obvious. However sometimes they'll do that intentionally to imply something else. I was reading something in linguistics how there are situations where one violates usual conversational requirements for representatives (when you just want to state facts) to create an indirect directive (a command, or in this case they're saying "talk", but in a polite way that could be turned down easily so its not seen as stepping on your toes). Applying the principles I read, it could also be an indirect rogative (question) probing for why he's quiet. Then applying what I read, if you respond back with a joke similar to the CO2 emissions or something similar to "Live with it, I'm quiet," you are indirectly telling them you have no interest in talking to them.

oh i like this topic. i think every person i have ever met has said this to me at one time. Some people do actually ask, "Why are you so quiet?" to which I normally give some type of vague answer. But most of them offer the statement, which is hard for me to immediately respond to as a question since it doesn't come naturally, "You're quiet."

So instead of getting offended by the statement I should just try not to stare at them while I comprehend the statement....er question? That might actually work. It makes sense that others are just trying to see if I am scary or friendly. Poke. I'm definitely friendly. A very quiet non scary person.



I also prefer to be called quiet over shy. I hate that word, shy. I can be very talkative and social, around familiar people of course. I used to be a manager for crying out loud.

I just tell them: mind your own business.

I never know what to say when someone says this to me either. I usually tell them I'm not very conversational/sociable but I think they interpret that as meaning I don't want to talk to them.