Is it THAT HARD for people to just want to be your friend.

Page 2 of 3 [ 46 posts ] Go to page Previous 1, 2, 3 Next

Previous topic | Next topic

smudge
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 Sep 2006
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,716
Location: Moved on

29 Sep 2011, 1:56 pm

hale_bopp wrote:

I'm happy to be friends with a guy if he likes me and he also knows that a relationship isn't going to happen. There was one guy like this and he as quite a good friend, eventually he found a partner and I never hear from him (Which is fine, it happens) but If I had the choice I would rather a male friend who just likes me as that, but is a good friend.

I have exactly the same problem as you, and past male friends who have found a partner just shut me out. I dislike them for it, personally, because they were just waiting to have you while you were friends - then they get rid of you once they've found what they've been waiting for - making your friendship invalid to him.

My advice is - let them know asap that you aren't remotely interested in a relationship, even if you are (but not with them). Show your independence with both sexes - they're more likely to stay if they don't have to make an effort to be your friend. Rely on yourself to be happy - it really is key. It's advantageous in another way, in that when you lose friends (you'll always lose and gain friends) that it doesn't bother you too much. Get used to this fact that nobody ever stays. It's harsh, but try not to get too attached. As I said, you always lose friends, but you'll always gain some more. You can never 'keep' or 'own' a friend or partner. It doesn't matter if you go to a new place that you don't make friends. It depends on the people who are there as well.

hale_bopp
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 2 Nov 2004
Gender: Female
Posts: 17,054
Location: None

29 Sep 2011, 6:55 pm

smudge wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

I have exactly the same problem as you, and past male friends who have found a partner just shut me out. I dislike them for it, personally, because they were just waiting to have you while you were friends - then they get rid of you once they've found what they've been waiting for - making your friendship invalid to him.

My advice is - let them know asap that you aren't remotely interested in a relationship, even if you are (but not with them). Show your independence with both sexes - they're more likely to stay if they don't have to make an effort to be your friend. Rely on yourself to be happy - it really is key. It's advantageous in another way, in that when you lose friends (you'll always lose and gain friends) that it doesn't bother you too much. Get used to this fact that nobody ever stays. It's harsh, but try not to get too attached. As I said, you always lose friends, but you'll always gain some more. You can never 'keep' or 'own' a friend or partner. It doesn't matter if you go to a new place that you don't make friends. It depends on the people who are there as well.

I don't think it's that. Most people in a relationship tend to devote most of their time to their spouse.. and it's weird for a guy with a girlfriend to hang out with a single woman. I wasn't critisising him.

SadAspy
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 13 Oct 2010
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 695
Location: U.S.A.

29 Sep 2011, 8:54 pm

Y'know I actually emphasised with your situation (I can't make friends either...I feel the same way about my Aspy support group. I'm higher-functioning than them, but unfortunately am in the same dire situation as them) hale_bopp until you predictably started whining about men just wanting to be in your panties. I no longer think you just want rich or good-looking men (or bad boys). I think you just hate all men. Either that, or you're extremely picky. You think you deserve nothing less than Brad Pitt. You'll tell men that you're just too busy or that you're not in the mood for a relationship, but in reality, if a man met your ridiculously high standards, you'd give him a shot.

hale_bopp
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 2 Nov 2004
Gender: Female
Posts: 17,054
Location: None

29 Sep 2011, 11:33 pm

SadAspy wrote:

Y'know I actually emphasised with your situation (I can't make friends either...I feel the same way about my Aspy support group. I'm higher-functioning than them, but unfortunately am in the same dire situation as them) hale_bopp until you predictably started whining about men just wanting to be in your panties. I no longer think you just want rich or good-looking men (or bad boys). I think you just hate all men. Either that, or you're extremely picky. You think you deserve nothing less than Brad Pitt. You'll tell men that you're just too busy or that you're not in the mood for a relationship, but in reality, if a man met your ridiculously high standards, you'd give him a shot.

Err, I don't deserve anyone. Just because I have high standards.. doesn't mean I think I deserve a guy who meets those standards. Also I'm not whining about not having a "guy who meets my standards". I know that is very unlikely so in the mean time I am happy to be single.

This thread is nothing about guys I'm interested in or my dating standards, it's about friends who aren't really your friends.

SadAspy
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 13 Oct 2010
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 695
Location: U.S.A.

30 Sep 2011, 9:46 pm

hale_bopp wrote:

This thread is nothing about guys I'm interested in or my dating standards, it's about friends who aren't really your friends.

You made it about that with your first post. "Oh, I'm worried about guys falling in love with me because they could never meet my impossibly high standards." At least you're honest (for the most part).

CaptainTrips222
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 30 Mar 2009
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,100

30 Sep 2011, 10:13 pm

mds_02 wrote:

Could you accept a male friend, knowing he was attracted to you, if you thought he genuinely understood that he didn't have a chance?

That's much too rare to hope for. If he has an attraction to her, he's gonna try to act on it. When he finds out it's not gonna happen, no-way-no-how, he loses interest. In fact it's so rare, I don't think she should even dare to hope to find it.

She's far better off facing the truth, and start making friends with straight women. She's setting herself up otherwise.

The_Perfect_Storm
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 5 Sep 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,289

30 Sep 2011, 10:38 pm

SadAspy wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

This thread is nothing about guys I'm interested in or my dating standards, it's about friends who aren't really your friends.

I think you've got the wrong idea...

I wish I could develop a circle of 'real' friends as you described OP. At the moment though I find it hard to judge what other people think of me. Makes it difficult. I have no idea whether people are legitimately interested in being friends with me, or what they want from me if they want something else.

I suppose it's a completely different problem to what you're experiencing, but I think we both sort of want a similar thing.

hale_bopp
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 2 Nov 2004
Gender: Female
Posts: 17,054
Location: None

01 Oct 2011, 1:16 am

SadAspy wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

This thread is nothing about guys I'm interested in or my dating standards, it's about friends who aren't really your friends.

I never mentioned my standards in the post. This post isn't to do with relationships. I don't want one. Either way my "standards" probably aren't what you think, either.

KathySilverstein
Snowy Owl

Joined: 12 Sep 2011
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 171

01 Oct 2011, 2:35 am

Are there any Asperger's support groups there? You might have better luck there.

_________________
A friend's book http://aspergerssociety.org/
Asperger's Poem I like http://www.aspergerssociety.org/articles/18.htm
Have AS, hoping to find community

ruckus
Deinonychus

Joined: 16 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 398
Location: Australia

05 Oct 2011, 1:13 am

I've been having similar problems. Twice now even girls I thought I was getting close to turned out to be gay and lost interest in me once it was obvious the feeling wasn't mutual. I have made and maintained friendships that began because the person was interested in me sexually, but it seems like these are the only friends I am able to make - people who don't want to bone me seldom bother speaking to me. I'm in a long term relationship now and despite my efforts I can't seem to make new friends like I used to, and it all seems to boil down to the fact that I am no longer a sexual prospect.
It makes me think that though I am reasonably attractive, I still harbour all the typical aspie traits and only those who feel they'll reap some kind of immediate reward from me can be bothered putting up with it. I've noticed this happens not just when sex is on the table, but art too - if I'm painting and drawing regularly old friends will flock to me, praising me, asking me to hang out, and often wanting me to make something for them, like album art, posters, et cetera. As soon as I fall into a creative slump these 'friends' begin to slink back into the shadows.

If you lived just a little bit closer I'd offer to meet up for a cup of tea but unfortunately there is quite a bit of water between us!

CaptainTrips222
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 30 Mar 2009
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,100

06 Oct 2011, 5:26 am

ruckus wrote:

I've been having similar problems. Twice now even girls I thought I was getting close to turned out to be gay and lost interest in me once it was obvious the feeling wasn't mutual.

That's happened to me three times now. They're gay and I'm cool with it, we hang out as casual acquaintances, but once they find out it's never gonna happen, things fizzle!

smudge
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 Sep 2006
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,716
Location: Moved on

06 Oct 2011, 7:30 am

ruckus wrote:

Interesting. I've always felt too ashamed to be creative with my art, cos I'm not a very creative person, yet I can draw/copy well, and I'd be very good at it now had I not stopped years ago. Maybe people think your talent would rub off on them? :shrug:

glamourdollxoxo
Blue Jay

Joined: 19 Oct 2009
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 91
Location: Midwest

06 Oct 2011, 2:06 pm

I used to have a low number of friends until I really learned how to put myself out there and find things we were on the same level with such as music and I would ask if they wanted to meet up sometime to share music collections. Pretty soon it became a regular thing and we grew to be friends on a more personal level.

Who_Am_I
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 27 Aug 2005
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 12,632
Location: Australia

07 Oct 2011, 1:17 am

SadAspy wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

This thread is nothing about guys I'm interested in or my dating standards, it's about friends who aren't really your friends.

I thought it was more about "I am worried that I will lose people who I thought were friends once they realise they won't get to sleep with me.".

_________________
Music Theory 101: Cadences.
Authentic cadence: V-I
Plagal cadence: IV-I
Deceptive cadence: V- ANYTHING BUT I ! !! !
Beethoven cadence: V-I-V-I-V-V-V-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I
-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I! I! I! I I I

hale_bopp
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 2 Nov 2004
Gender: Female
Posts: 17,054
Location: None

09 Oct 2011, 1:35 pm

It gets tiring. I just want friends. To have fun with, do things with and support each other.

Not some guy pretending to be your friend only to find out that they only want a relationship. That isn't a real friendship.
I get things like "Yeah we can hang out. But only if I know you're at least OPEN to having a relationship"

no no no NOO!

smudge
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 Sep 2006
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,716
Location: Moved on

10 Oct 2011, 12:28 pm

hale_bopp wrote:

Isn't that what I said earlier? But you disagreed with it. I'm confused.

Page 2 of 3 [ 46 posts ] Go to page Previous 1, 2, 3 Next

Jump to:

Is it THAT HARD for people to just want to be your friend. Post Reply New Topic

Is it THAT HARD for people to just want to be your friend.