How to express sympathy without it seeming lame

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I have a lot of problems with it too. My reaction depends, I would say.

I tend to ask practical questions. Say, when my sister lost her friend (not the "death" kind of loss, they just were not friends anymore), I asked her what happened, how it made her feel, hinted at solutions, generally showed interest in the situation, and ended with: "Can I do something to help?"; then, I did what she wanted (rent a movie for her). It circumvents my difficulty at showing and feeling some emotions, yet, I think it still shows interest and goodwill. Also, I think the situation are theirs, not mine; I would rather not hijack someone else pain or grief.

With a friend who had a more bluesy period, I texted her periodically (two times in about three weeks) to know how she felt, and if she wanted to talk; she didn't, so I let her be alone. I think it what I did was right

I also like to wrap thing with a bit of humour. Not the laugh out loud kind, just... enough wit for what I say not to sound entirely generic, and maybe more deeply thought. Also, I find it easier this way.

One time, I openly admitted I was no good at expressing these kind of feelings. I am not sure it worked. I have not tried since.

I've been accused of sounding sarcastic when trying to sound sympathetic so now I just use my regular voice.

I had a roommate in college who wasn't good at dealing with other people crying so she would ask them what they wanted her to do. Did they want a hug? Did they want her to leave them alone? That seemed like a good idea to me. I have been known to completely freeze when someone starts crying. I once watched a friend as she cried over a break-up, not knowing if I should hug her or what to say to make her feel better.

"I'm sorry for your loss." And then, if you're so inclined: "What can I do to help?"

If you actually know of a way to be helpful ~ maybe child care for their young ones, or taking their shift at work (or just picking up the slack so they don't come back to a huge pile of untouched work after being away) ~ you could offer to do it. Or, as the case may be (i.e. if you KNOW they wouldn't mind*) just do it without asking. (*IME, this is rare ) (not rare that they wouldn't mind someone stepping in to help unasked, just IME it's rare that I can discern when this is or isn't the case)


Listen to the person talk. Often times they really need to talk about their feelings.

Validate what they are saying. (This is no time for "I never really liked her very much" or even "He raped me a few years ago" when speaking to someone about their deceased loved one. Later, to your own friends, IRL or otherwise.... maybe..... but not to the bereaved, especially the newly bereaved.) What? Hey, I didn't know this until I was at least 40.... What can I say. I didn't know that I didn't know it, either ~
::shrug::


Someone I know lost their partner recently, and is constantly asking everyone for hugs. I suck it up & allow the hugs, at least for the time being, because I want to be emotionally supportive. To be honest I find it distasteful, but not impossible; it's what the person needs, so I go along with it.

I always feel like I'm coming across as lame when I express sympathy too, but in a lot of cases just expressing sympathy is good enough for people to make them feel better depending on the situation.

If there are a lot of people, like at a funeral, I listen to what others are saying and copy that. I've learned to NEVER try to be original with something like this unless I'm very familiar with the bereaved.

If it's just me and them, I express my sympathy, usually with an "I'm sorry to hear that." and then listen. Some people just want someone to sit with them so saying nothing is good too.

It's just best to say as little as possible for me. Sad people are more likely to hold grudges.