Questions about friendships.

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I know some people that blog all the time about worrying if they are being a good friend or relying too much on their own friends. The difference to me is that they are concentrating on the feelings that are involved with friendships, whereas we tend to spend more time thinking about what defines a friendship. It's a big difference between being a more rational being instead of being a more emotional being.

That makes sense. Thanks.



I know this is a bit off topic, but that's something I spend time thinking about as well. If I'm a rational or emotional being. I never know.

I most definitely have emotions, but I rely on my rational brain to figure things out instead of relying on my emotional self to feel things. I usually don't trust my emotions, and therefore I question their validity. Other people rely heavily on their emotional side to run their thought processes. They allow themselves to feel and let that take the lead in their communications and actions. They'll react in the moment, and then their emotions will change, and then they will act differently later. One minute they question if they are being a good friend and the next they are lauding themselves as the best friend a person could ever have and how awesome they are. I watch people bounce back and fourth like this and it makes me dizzy, and I wonder how they can stand it. Likewise, they wonder how in the world I can sit and think about what friendship means to me for hours on end without my head exploding. It's just a different way of processing things.

Oh yes, I most definitely have emotions too. Sometimes I almost feel like I have too much of them (and I never know what to do with them). I constantly questions my emotions. I don't think I make decisions based on them and I always think through things thoroughly. I guess that makes me rather rational, right? I do show my emotions quite often though (even though I hardly ever talk about them). When I have meltdowns, when I get angry/annoyed/anxious etc.

I had the same "best friend" from Kindergarten until my Freshman year of High School, when he became a jock and dumped me for the other jocks. 35 years later, I still haven't fully mended. Growing up in the 70s, Autism and Asperger's were were not terms you ever heard, let alone understood. I was always the shy, awkward kid who never knew how to start or join a conversation, and friendships were a complete mystery. I was either oblivious to any overtures of friendship, or I was obsessing about any kid who was the least bit nice to me. As I became a an adult, I was just as clueless. Sex I could understand, but the idea that someone might have an emotional interest in me didn't register, and looking back, I missed many opportunities for friendships and relationships to develop, because I thought we were just having sex.

Some years, and many failed relationships later, I still find myself at an impasse as to how to build and maintain friendships. My husband (in case I failed to mention that I am gay) is my best friend, but beyond our relationship, I have my work and work associates, but no friends. Any social interaction is initiated through my spouse, and when he is away, as he is this week, I become blatantly aware of just how isolated I am.

Two days ago, I had lunch with my first other self-acknowledged autistic. I immediately, I felt a bond. He expressed what a good time he had and how he would like to do it again soon, and I followed with an email suggesting that we might get together this weekend. Since then, I have heard nothing. I am 49 years old, and I feel like the kid on the playground all over again. If I follow up, am I obsessing, and how much follow up is too much? If I don't follow-up, and he doesn't call, is it because of his autism, and that he too is unclear of my desire for friendship? Or is he just busy, and I need to give it time. I don't know if it is just me, or if all autistics ask themselves these questions, but these are the things that I definitely have difficulty expressing to my neurotypical spouse, who, like my brother, maintains the same circle of friends that he has had since Jr. High. How do explain to someone who has never been without friends what it is like to have never known an intimate and lasting friendship beyond your spousal relationship, and without that person, how truly alone you are?

It could be because of his autism or may be he just needs more time to get attached to a person. Personally, i know that it frequently happens that i enjoy some part of interaction while i am with the person. The moment i am out of that space with the person, it is difficult for me to get back into the space. Friendships do not seem to work with "i want to be friends with you", so we will be. It is about enjoying being with a person. That person may or may not feel that way. Or he or she may not be the type that respond immediately or there could be tons of reasons why the person may not have responded. So i would say, you took the first step, now the ball is in the opposite person's court. While he or she responds, you are free to initiate friendships with other people.




I am sure there are tons of people here including me who struggle with this. My family even if they have seen me struggle all my life. But still my brother insists that i met bad people and so i did not have friends. He is cute that way. He just likes me too much. I am 34 and i am fairly good at meeting and initiating, but i just do not have fun with anybody as the things i have fun doing are things people generally dont do. So i am forced to do things they want which i dont enjoy. Also i am an absolute magnet for people who want to use me. So that does not help either. So, to answer your question. Some one here told me when i complained about it, that the other people also cant see how things are for us, just like we cant see how they can do what they do. So it is okay. Try to communicate and if they dont seem to get it, leave it.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. Much of what you have shared are things that I tell myself, but it always helps to hear it from someone else. I understand what you mean about being a magnet for people who want to take advantage of you. I came into this world far too trusting, and unfortunately, I have been burned so many times, that I am now overly jaded and question everyone's intentions. This, of course, puts up more barriers to my getting to know people. My spouse, who is not on the spectrum (as far as we know), is also the trusting sort, and I am constantly questioning the motives of those that he befriends. Baggage aside, I truly like people (in small doses), and I have a good time doing most anything if the company is good. I just have a hard time figuring out the balance between possessive stalker and disinterested recluse. This has always been my challenge. I either remain detached and aloof, or I obsess making the object of my obsession uncomfortable.

I really appreciate having friends. It can be confusing, but I just try to accept whatever level of friendship the person wants to offer me, and be grateful for it.

I don't have ONE friend who cares a lot about me; but I have several friends who care a little, and it all adds up, you know?

I appreciate your perspective, and I will try to share a little of it.

Thanks again.

I have what I lovingly refer to as my GIR side (from the character from Invader ZIM). I find that when I GIR-out, or become manic towards a person, then I'm probably coming on too strong and they will not understand and take it as me being too possessive or too clingy (depending on how they take it). So, I've learned to curtail that excitable feeling for the most part, which is sad, because it's such a happy, wonderful feeling, but other people see it as being over the top.

I also try to time things. I try to make sure I've had some form of contact with certain friends, even if it's just a "Hi" in online chat once every couple of weeks, if not completely asking for an afternoon or evening to hang out. I don't hold myself to some set schedule or anything, because while that might make sense to me, it won't make sense to someone else, and this is an area in which I can be flexible and not get upset with myself if I go a little longer not talking to someone.

I also give myself permission to have time alone. I'll give myself up to two weeks to "hibernate" and not talk with people outside of work, if I'm just really stressed or have projects to work on. After that, I poke my head up and force myself to go have dinner with a couple friends or something so that I'm not completely recluse.

Instead of thinking of it as a fine line between the two extremes, I think of it as a broad avenue, so it's something I can be somewhat flexible with, yet still set boundaries for myself so that I have a level of control over it and feel comfortable.

I read this books called "freeks geeks and AS syndrome". In it there was this concept of a radio tuner. My problem was not how much i follow a person but how much do i allow a person to use me. All relationships are about using, but it needs to be symbiotic. I never got it so i would either be at one end or other like you. So the idea of a tuner for my output was brilliant for me. Over years by talking to my family, specifically asking them about friendship, i developed a rating scale. So now my concept is depending on the rating, i decide how much my output would be.

Similar to that if you could rate your relationships, you could decide how much you are supposed to "keep in touch". E.g. i know my friend generally emails me immediately within a day or 2. So if she does not i email her by the end of the week, asking if she is okay. There are people i know (who professed to be close friends) who will reply possibly after 2 months or 3 months. With those i rarely bother to re check. I just drop a hi after 2 months, but then in my head i know they are not people i need to put an effort in.

My protocol for new people would be say hi after 2 weeks max. If they dont respond put it as "not interested".

Keep in mind this is the result of active effort and research over 5 years. I've literally hounded my immediate family i.e. brother and sister in law, who very kindly break it down for me every time i ask. I was also helped a lot by this friend i made at work who although not on spectrum is dyspraxic. So she also struggles at a different level. But she is good at figuring out social bits.

Just a thought, incase you want to try it.