How to Respond to People Who Insult Themselves?

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NicoleG
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01 Jun 2012, 1:51 pm

Joe90 wrote:

But with women (like my mum), I always fall into this conversation:-

Mum: I look so fat
Me: No you're not
Mum: Yes I am, look
Me: You're not fat at all, how can you be?
Mum: Look here, I have all this flab
Me: That doesn't mean you're fat
Mum: And look how big my bum is
Me: All right, you're fat
Mum: Am I? You really think I am????

That's like a broken record thing.

\

That's a classic trap. You can't win if you state, "No, you're not."

Instead, state your opinion or question their opinion, versus arguing their opinion. Let them have their opinion, even if you disagree with it. There's no point in trying to argue it with them with the goal of trying to change their mind. There's a fine difference between stating or questioning an opinion and arguing an opinion, and if you can master it, such conversations will go better for you.

"I don't think you look fat."
"You don't look fat to me."
"You really think you look fat?"

Scatmaster
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01 Jun 2012, 1:59 pm

SpiritBlooms wrote:

Bloodheart wrote:

It is a social thing, it's not that they want you to compliment them so much as that socially women are brought-up to have low self-esteem and they also feel they have to put themselves down as it's seen as negative if they speak positively about themselves.

This. I rarely insult myself to others. But I know that as a female I grew up with fairly low self-esteem. I think many women are brought up to think less of ourselves. I grew up with the message that my dad's interests and masculine endeavors in general were more important than feminine ones. My dad fed this by being able to brag a lot and demanding certain privileges at home. (The best chair, the best piece of meat at dinner, and commanding attention on his accomplishments.) My mom fed into this by being rather selfless and making sure he got what he wanted - though now that I'm older I wonder if it wasn't mostly to keep the peace. I've also noticed that men seem able to brag more easily about their job qualifications, while women tend to say less convincing things, such as that they think they could do a good job, and not really be persuasive about it. Not all women, of course, and not all men. It's more a tendency.

The insulting oneself to others might sometimes be a way of attempting to blend in - comparing one's own flaws with others, in other words expecting a response like "oh, me too!" - and sometimes a way of getting reassurance that it's okay to be how they are, even if it's not perfect.

Wow, that's a pretty good way of putting it.

Sweetleaf wrote:

I can't say I never insult myself, I get pretty down on myself...not sure exactly what the right response would be. Though I am typically afraid of pissing people off when I get that way.

Yeah... I have a pretty bad opinion of myself. Tend to think that I am genuinely worse than others. How do you convince someone out of that?

Sweetleaf
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01 Jun 2012, 2:00 pm

ZX_SpectrumDisorder wrote:

Sweetleaf wrote:

I can't say I never insult myself, I get pretty down on myself...not sure exactly what the right response would be. Though I am typically afraid of pissing people off when I get that way.

I don't think these are the same, Sweetleaf. This is just fishing for compliments.

Yeah I guess that's a little different, not sure what exactly the correct response for that is...rather then disagreeing with them or just not having much of a response.

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NicoleG
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01 Jun 2012, 2:00 pm

SpiritBlooms wrote:

and sometimes a way of getting reassurance that it's okay to be how they are, even if it's not perfect.

It took me a long time and quite a lot of honest self-evaluation to no longer need external validation. It's the tougher road to find, but once you do, it's the easier route to walk along.

ZX_SpectrumDisorder
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01 Jun 2012, 5:41 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:

ZX_SpectrumDisorder wrote:

Sweetleaf wrote:

I can't say I never insult myself, I get pretty down on myself...not sure exactly what the right response would be. Though I am typically afraid of pissing people off when I get that way.

I don't think these are the same, Sweetleaf. This is just fishing for compliments.

Yeah I guess that's a little different, not sure what exactly the correct response for that is...rather then disagreeing with them or just not having much of a response.

The correct response is 'shut up, you look fantastic'. Then change the subject.

hartzofspace
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01 Jun 2012, 5:53 pm

ZX_SpectrumDisorder wrote:

Sweetleaf wrote:

ZX_SpectrumDisorder wrote:

Sweetleaf wrote:

I can't say I never insult myself, I get pretty down on myself...not sure exactly what the right response would be. Though I am typically afraid of pissing people off when I get that way.

I don't think these are the same, Sweetleaf. This is just fishing for compliments.

Yeah I guess that's a little different, not sure what exactly the correct response for that is...rather then disagreeing with them or just not having much of a response.

The correct response is 'shut up, you look fantastic'. Then change the subject.

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mds_02
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02 Jun 2012, 5:58 am

ZX_SpectrumDisorder wrote:

Lucywlf wrote:

It's just a social thing; if women insult their own appearance, they want you to disagree with them/compliment them. Most women think that everybody knows the routine and get upset when people don't follow it. I agree that it's silly, but there you are.

Heh. It really is. I like to turn the tables with that one.

Can't help doing that sometimes. When someone starts with the self-deprecation, I'll agree with them and provide helpful examples that prove their point.

Gf actually finds it reassuring. Like, she knows that if I really thought she was gaining too much weight or that she was lacking in intelligence or something, I wouldn't joke about it, that would just be mean.

If she says "oh god, look how fat I am" and I try to reassure her, she'll take that as me thinking she has a valid concern. But if I reply with "I know, I'm embarrassed to be seen with you" she knows I think she's being ridiculous which, ultimately, is what she wants me to think when she's acting like that.

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Sweetleaf
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02 Jun 2012, 10:09 am

ZX_SpectrumDisorder wrote:

Sweetleaf wrote:

ZX_SpectrumDisorder wrote:

Sweetleaf wrote:

I can't say I never insult myself, I get pretty down on myself...not sure exactly what the right response would be. Though I am typically afraid of pissing people off when I get that way.

I don't think these are the same, Sweetleaf. This is just fishing for compliments.

Yeah I guess that's a little different, not sure what exactly the correct response for that is...rather then disagreeing with them or just not having much of a response.

The correct response is 'shut up, you look fantastic'. Then change the subject.

I honestly cannot picture using the word fantastic...and well what if they don't look that way?

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NicoleG
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02 Jun 2012, 11:49 am

Sweetleaf wrote:

ZX_SpectrumDisorder wrote:

Sweetleaf wrote:

ZX_SpectrumDisorder wrote:

Sweetleaf wrote:

I can't say I never insult myself, I get pretty down on myself...not sure exactly what the right response would be. Though I am typically afraid of pissing people off when I get that way.

I don't think these are the same, Sweetleaf. This is just fishing for compliments.

Yeah I guess that's a little different, not sure what exactly the correct response for that is...rather then disagreeing with them or just not having much of a response.

The correct response is 'shut up, you look fantastic'. Then change the subject.

I honestly cannot picture using the word fantastic...and well what if they don't look that way?

Based on your posts, you strike me as someone who can easily get away with giving an aloof answer without causing a commotion. I can totally picture you saying something like, "I don't know. Why are you asking me?"

They're fishing for a compliment because they are fishing for external validation. You don't always have to feel obligated to give them that.

Sweetleaf
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02 Jun 2012, 12:06 pm

NicoleG wrote:

Yeah probably, but then I have to admit I am not the type people usually go to, to seek those sorts of compliments or external validation anyways. But I probably would end up saying something like that. I mean my typical attire is band t-shirts and whatever pants I feel like wearing....so how am I supposed to know if something looks good on someone based on current fashion standards when I don't even know what they are and I might note even agree with them.

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NicoleG
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02 Jun 2012, 2:26 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:

NicoleG wrote:

Exactly! The type of people that ask for such external validation are not going to go fishing in a pond with no fish if they can help it. If they are asking you, they are more likely to not know you that well, or they will soon get to know that you aren't into validating them all that often, and so then they'll stop asking and find someone else to bug about it (because it's unlikely that they will stop looking for the validation in general just because you aren't providing it). Kind of funny how that works out.

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03 Jun 2012, 12:18 pm

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Last edited by smudge on 08 Jun 2012, 7:42 am, edited 1 time in total.

roccoslife
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03 Jun 2012, 12:31 pm

In all honestly I wouldnt have described you as fat when I met you, you were just normal woman sized.

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03 Jun 2012, 12:53 pm

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thewhitrbbit
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03 Jun 2012, 11:18 pm

Never agree with them.

I usually just reply "No your not" or "don't say that"

Seems to work.

League_Girl
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03 Jun 2012, 11:41 pm

Joe90 wrote:

I tend to insult myself a lot, but I really want others to agree and not get offended if they do. Like if I said, ''God, I'm so dumb'', I hate it when people say, ''no you're not, you're clever''. I hate people calling me clever because I am not. I'm average. So if people say ''yes, OK, you're dumb'', I go, ''thank you'', and then change the subject.

But with women (like my mum), I always fall into this conversation:-

Mum: I look so fat
Me: No you're not
Mum: Yes I am, look
Me: You're not fat at all, how can you be?
Mum: Look here, I have all this flab
Me: That doesn't mean you're fat
Mum: And look how big my bum is
Me: All right, you're fat
Mum: Am I? You really think I am????

That's like a broken record thing.

Gah I hate it when people play those games. My ex did it to me and blamed me for it. He kept pushing me and pushing me and then I realized he was stupid in one thing so I finally agreed with him and told him why. He cried. :roll:

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