Belief that positive feedback is a sham?

Post Reply New Topic

i hate people who are nice to me just because they think i need help with everything to get by.
A

hmm. . . .. . .

When I was in HS and drafting up a storm, my teacher would tell me what a Great Job I was doing. . . .I had no way to tell if he was being sincere, so I would give him a aspie death stare at his face in a vain attempt to discern his motives and maybe after a uncomforatable silence I would pratically whisper thank you.

THis was a teacher that I trusted and liked a great deal. With other people, I just stare them down until they walk away. . . . .real creepy I guess, but just hardwired into me I think

Having been in a lot of poetry workshops, this is my belief: something positive should be said before something negative. To, uh, soften the blow in some ways. But this positive feedback is a load of crap if it isn't meant or the person is just grabbing at straws.

However, I also believe (and this is mainly in a poetry workshop setting) that some negative feeback should always be given with the positive as well. Otherwise there is little point bringing a piece of work before a group of people if they're just going to sit there complimenting it, too scared to hurt your feelings, and ruin the entire point of a CRITIQUE.

Anyways. To answer the question. Positive feedback can be good. But too much sappy positive feedback alone can grate on one's nerves no doubt.

I, myself, enjoy positive feedback (as my ego I am sure is big enough to testify) but unfortunately I don't know how to accept it very well. It often catches me offguard, I say "thank you," and then quickly change the subject. I adore compliments, but I do not know what to do with them until I am alone again. And then I can enjoy them.

I've never been subjected to the condescension that some of you guys have, but I for the most part I tend to agree that most of the positive feedback that I've been given is complete bulls--t.
Most of the jobs that I've had, I've been told that I've been doing a good job, however, there are some real inconsistancies with this. I'm doing a great job, even though other people are advanced ahead of me???? When I fish around, a lot of the times I've found that people in management positions always seem to use a differant set of priorities to judge my workplace performance, and I wind up not being advanced. --When I have the capability and the desire surpass the people who are being advanced.
Most of the times I wish that people in management positions would at least level with me, and tell me the truth about why I'm not being advanced. Sure, I might get pissed off, and I might quit then and there, but which is better, and less stressful in the long run? Which of the two following choices is less poisonous ?
To tell the truth and have somebody temporarily angry with you? Or to Lie to somebody and have them hate you outright?
Obviously, the second choice seems to be easier route as far as employers are concerned.

I usually just say "thank you" to compliments as long as I think they are genuine which I think most of the ones I get are.

There is one type of compliment that I hate with a passion, though. It is the backhanded compliment ie. "you're very nice but you need too much looking after", "you're good but not quite good enough (this was when I applied for a promotion) and so on.

I think that backhanded compliments are very poisonous and insincere and it's better to forget about using them to try and sugarcoat a bad message. NT people think they are doing you a favour by doing this but I think it's hypocritical and underhanded in addition to being stupid.

My aspergers or whatever it actually is was not known to me until just a couple of months ago, so I didn't have the "maybe theyre just being nice to me because i'm a special needs kid" experiance. But i have always thought that when someone complimented me they were just being nice, and they always sounded insincere. They still do.

I wonder if it is part of the have trouble empathising(or sympathising, can't remember the difference) thing, or if everyone is insincere and people are just stupid, or if people just compliment out of reflex than out of sincerity and people know and accept this, or how this works.

I'm 30 and I get praised for trivial things. I was even praised for giving my sister my Tim Horton's Gift Certificates. I ws praised for vaccuming the house, today. I finally told my mom that a simple Thankyou would be appreciated. She told me that she couldn't do anything right around the house. I wonder if moving out would be the answer.

My mother compliments me on mundane things. 'Oh thanks so much for getting the mail!' I always think, 'The post office is only 5 minutes down the road, mum!' She even pitches her voice up to make her sound like an innocent schoolgirl, that needs oh so much help in this terrifying world (Darn it! No vomiting smiley). So, I never take my mum seriously. Her negative critique is just as sensitive, but much more aggressive. 'Why the hell can't you remember to take out the friggin' rubbish?! You remember to play Xbox, don't ya?!'

But with people who I *know* are friends, the ones who chat with me online as much as I do then (which is often because I trust them), I take the compliments as genuine. Funny though, I still never know quite how to accept it. Do I just say thank you, do I compliment them back, do I say they're a good friend? Despite that, I still always appreciate them.

If I can't trust someone's intention I assume it's well meaning, for the sake of politeness, but I take it as a grain of salt. Later, if and only if, we become good friends would I take earlier compliments for real.