Loneliness during childhood

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My parents were psychopaths they wont allow me to talk with neighbours or with cousins they themself are recluse...

So i ended up being very very very lonely....i remember going to school, eating tiffin alone, not having friends to talk with, not having any company to walk till school.

I hated school...it was scary, lonely, confusing and painful.

As i grew up i was desperate to have friends and would almost coax people to be my friends in college
and finally now since i have matured i dont try hard to be friends with anyone

infact i have given up socially.
if it happens it happens.

i just sit back and wait for things to happen rather then pressurise it to happen

the loneliness just kills me and i have become mute silent dummy

ss far as i know, they have been around longer than Muhammed, longer than the musselmen, longer than even ole j. c. if I understand correctly, they used crystallized honey before the advent of refined sugar.

I think I have come to realise just how lonely I really was as a child only recently. I left school 16 years ago and never once have I had any nostalgia for it or wished to see any of my contemporaries from school. I had two friends from primary school (aged 9 onwards), one I saw less of once we moved to high school because he was a year younger. The other I saw often until mid-university when we kind of lost touch. I have since realised that he was quite emotionally abusive to me over the time I knew him, openly making fun of my odd little quirks and habits (I have a lot of these) and threatening to abandon me if he felt I embarrassed him in a social situation. I should have broke ties with him long, long before I eventually did but I don't know how I could have got through the last years of school, outwith lessons, with no company at all. There is precious little provision for children who do not wish to play sports or chat to friends during break or lunch times. I would have been very happy sitting in the library reading or catching up on homework but the school had a policy of excluding children from the building once lunch had been eaten. I seem to remember some lunchtimes I managed to wangle my way into an area of the school I had no business being as I did not study anything in that department. However I was always quiet and since I was doing homework no one thought to ask what I was doing there.

I have tried to develop my social skills during adulthood but it has generally not worked out. I have one or two people I know through my brother who I occasionally socialise with (mostly going for a beer) but nearly every Friday and Saturday evening I spend at home messing around on the laptop or xbox or listening to the radio.
I really think this is it for life and frankly it's preferable to sitting in a crowd in a bar where no one is really talking to you all evening.

Finding so-called friends seemed quite easy first, and even from my own view, it was easy to be not lonely at all. The problems started with changing from primary school to middle school.

Social skills and "normal" behaviour started to be more important for the others than they were before and the constant rejection brought me even far enough to change from rather open, optimistic and extroverted to introverted and pretty insecure. Not to mention that hitting puberty also "helped" with developing a rather unpleasant appearance.

Loneliness even grew after one classmate I thought of as friend lied to me and told secret things to others. So even the few friends I had at that point weren't true friends or even companions by any means.

IMO, it is almost impossible for people like us to not be lonely during their whole childhood.

My loneliness kept reinforcing itself unknown to me. School after school, social scenes to meditation group and I did not know why or how to conquer it. Trying harder and in different ways was all I knew and all I achieved and failed. Everywhere I went i would try my hardest leading to mental exaustion which I had know idea of back then. As a result I'd pretend to be sick to stay home or just go hide somewhere for a day to get peace.
I'm still focused - just not quite so much on fitting in but more on friending people - though I'm not 100% sure why. Now through seeing a cognitive therapist I get the do's and donts of how to behave in social situations and everytime im thinkin "damn!! does anyone else know this?"
Small steps I guess, but still progress.

My family and I moved when I was 9 and I liked to blame the fact that I was very lonely and had at best 1 human friend + my little sister--but I insisted that she didn't count. (My best friend was my dog and I was devastated when he was hit by a car about a year after we moved.)

Looking back, I realize that I was socially awkward and that that awkwardness was going to bite me regardless of whether we moved or not because I was at that age where it was going to start being noticed more by my peers that I did not care about pruning or having boyfriends or pick up on social cues. Plus, I was gullible and saw things as black and white and did not always know immediately when someone was using me or making fun of me.

I remember hating middle school and telling myself everyday that this too would end and someday they would all be sorry and know that I was special--note the self-centeredness--and someday I would be a grown up and none of what happened at recess would matter any more and they wouldn't be able to touch me.

I didn't hate jr high and high school, but I by no means had figured out social situations and friendships, but I think I had accepted my awkwardness and I had found a small band of misfits that loved me as I was and it was enough.

College was atrocious. Living in dorms with roommates... Not being at home. Awful. I had been given the idea somewhere that "college is where you meet the best friends you'll ever have" and that was NOT true for me and I was very unhappy that it was not the experience that I was having.