Most conversations seem like unnecessary dialogue

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Interesting theory. I've felt like total strangers act like they know me simply because they've met me. Their assumptions only turn me off from people even more.

I'm sure that the chattering classes would also find us boring.
My counselor confirms my observation that when people tell you a lot about themselves, they start to think that they know you better! Perhaps NTs are more likely to butt in and say where they disagree, so silence is taken as accord. I must be a fairly "good" listener - my physiotherapist used to talk about her business plans with no other clients.

Just Smile And Wave Boys... Smile And Wave.

I experience this constantly. I can't see the point, people just say exactly the same things every day. I have a very large workplace where I probably am compelled to say "Hello" to 50+ people per day; and most of them say, "Hi, how're you going?", which I can ignore if I'm walking past.

Think of the song by Louis Armstrong, "What A Wonderful World" -

I see friends shaking hands, and saying, "How do you do?"
They're really saying, "I love you!"

So, the NTs are saying all those things as their code for, "I like you, I enjoy seeing you again, I expect we'll have a good day together". I reckon they would admit it's a bit pointless, but they are signalling acceptance, mutual experience, pleasure, agreement etc. If you think of the song, it's quite lovely.

I was so sick of hearing boring talk about weather, eating, sport etc that I learnt to hijack conversations. At first I probably did it too aggressively and scared people, but I've learnt to alternate pointed questioning with some silence and nodding/listening.

What I mean by hijacking is quickly observing and leaping onto anything interesting, or asking a question that forces them to actually think, rather than regurgitating the same crap all the time. For example, an acquaintance reading a magazine - ask them, "Is that magazine teaching you anything interesting?" from which you can ask what they like learning about. Or someone is eating a salad - ask them, "Is it very important for you to be organised with your lunches?" from which they might talk about something more interesting about what keeps them busy. Or if they start talking about their kids, ask "Do you think they would be a success if they chose to do the same job as you?" - and that might lead to all sorts of insightful analysis of your work friend or their kids.

In those situations, the NT questions would have been, first: "What are you reading?" or "Any interesting news?" which would lead to predictable answers…. or in the second situation, "Did you make that yourself?" or "Is that a tasty lunch?". or third: "How are your kids going at school?" Boring. Yawn.

Hello,

sorry for not having learnt to quote yet.

From my NT point of view - and I've tried to be as honest and introspective as I could, to find out what my internal reaction would be:

a question like ""Is that magazine teaching you anything interesting?" from a co-worker when I'm reading a magazine (probably during a break at work), would certainly make me think something like the following - depending on my stress level:

- I'm sitting here relaxing - what kind of question is that?
- Does everything always have to teach something?
- Can't I just relax without being judged? (I'd certainly not take a textbook on modality to read during lunch break).
- Am I rellay socaially close enough to this person to answer intimate questions like that?

I'd probably try to give a polite noncommittal answer.

But then - everybody is different and this strategy will probably work with a lot of people...

Best wishes (another unneccessary and empty phrase)

Ennik

How about wording the magazine query as "Any good bits in there?" That way, there's less of a demand to share.

BTW, my Aspie mom spent a lot of time as a tourist in her camper van. When another couple called over to her to approve of her bumperstickers, she replied "Go away. I'm reading!"

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Hi Ennik, I have a few questions on this one:

How do you determine whether you are socially "close enough" with the person?
Why do you feel you have to be socially "close enough" to answer the question honestly?
How do you become socially closer with someone without answering questions like that?

Cheers

Well, aren't you the devil's advocate

I'm glad I'm not the only one who had that reaction.



Personally I would have been extremely uncomfortable if someone I didn't know or someone I didn't know well wanted to talk about something that bothered them or something personal or controversial. I absolutely hate small talk but I wouldn't appreciate the other end from just anyone either.

I met a woman with a dog once I when I walked my dog. We got talking about dogs, when she mentioned how she dreaded her dog getting older and losing him. (He was only a year or so.) It wasn't very unnatural given the theme, but since I didn't know her at all, had never met her before, I still felt a little uncomfortable about her bringing it up like that. It didn't help that she continued with something like this: "But don't you agree? Don't you dread losing him?"
Of course I dreaded losing him, (my dog), but that didn't mean I wanted to talk about his inevitable death with a stranger! I said that I didn't really think that much about it since he was only 5. And she gave me a strange look and tried to ask me if I wouldn't be very saddened by his death. At that point I had really quite had it with the conversation. I guess she had too because she wrapped it up after that. I'm not sorry I never met her again. That was just plain weird!

Hello,

@yellowtamarin: sorry for not answering directly.
I've got a full time job, a husband and kids (on and off the spectrum), so I'm not always online - only logged in.

Ok - how do I know.... that really is a very tough question and I don't think I can answer it off hand. I've never thought about it in depth, because up till know this problem has'nt been one for my "kid-on-the-spectrum".

There are a lot of areas in socializing I struggle with. I, too, very much prefer gatherings that have a topic or a purpose. There is always the danger of me talking to much or to little or saying something accidentally insulting - perhaps the result of shyness and a comparatively isolated upbringing. I'm not at all good with people.

But, here are a few thoughts:
not socially close enough - to me - , would probably be:
- we have never talked before
- we have never talked before on any non work related topics
- we have nothing in common (years ago I was sitting in a waiting room at uni reading an Agatha Christie novel in an Italian translation and a prof came by looked at the book and said "That's something for you then? - Das ist also etwas für Sie? - under those circumstances almost an insult and definitely not a sign of interest)
and / or
- tone of voice, facial expression, body language that do not communicate "non condescending friendly interest"

Trying to answer your question has given me something to think about and I'll continue to think about the answer. But I'll do so off keyboard - I need to look up some words ,

Bye for now

Ennik

Does the anonymity of the internet make it easier? You've just told me some interesting, personal stuff without a problem. Why not speak this way to my face (if we happened to meet)?

I agree talking about the death of a pet can be uncomfortable...I just put that down to some topics being more emotion-inducing than others, but I'd feel the same whether I was talking about that with a stranger or my mum.