trouble socializing bc lacking knowledge of certain topics
Although this has led to some popular interests of mine being cultivated (mostly certain movies, tv shows, and current events), the main problem for me is actually getting interested/into some of these things, often not because I haven't tried getting into them, but they either have just failed to hold my interest or at times go against my personal values. For example, I am a vegetarian, and it's hard to connect with others who like talking about the various ways to cook meat or the meat dish they ordered at this one restaurant.
Heavily mainstream people are challenging to get along with for me because I never get to talk about what I would like to and they are so focused on inane conversation without any depth. It's like running into a dead end every time. I *hate* that there are people that I see often (i.e. my boyfriend's family) but don't talk much with and it's because we have different experiences/interests and it's so damn hard for me to know how to connect with them. It is so awkward and I hate it so freaking much because all I want is for people to like me.
Yea. I get bitter about this. I'm missing the chip in my brain that programs me to like things everyone else likes. If I have to work, I'm going to be spending my limited free time with hobbies I actually enjoy, not honing up on popular interests. It seems like social interaction would be easier in more primitive times because everyone would basically have the same life experience. Then again, life itself would be more drudgery.
I also have the problem where I'm overly self-conscious concerning the things I actually enjoy because I'm afraid of people around me not validating me by showing interest/enthusiasm. The result is I don't even talk about "my stuff" and try to connect solely by bringing up things I think others want to hear. I'm either really quiet or I try to be social and feel like I'm just being a chameleon and making it up as I go. This runs out of steam really quick. Another problem is I'm constantly looking for mental stimulation while most people aren't really. I mean, I realize most people socialize for some kind of emotional connection, not to flex their mental muscles, but it's just so hard for me to "feel" the conversation when I'm just not really part the whole "group" thing going on. I think if people had more mentally challenging things to discuss I would find myself beginning to fit in. In the past it was that way. It's just that now there's fewer opportunities.
I can relate to this 100%. I am very quiet and reserved around most people, but it's usually because so few share my interests or care to really dig deep into topics. One can only put up with chatting about the weather, latest sporting event, or celebrity gossip for so long...and besides the weather, I care to know so little about sports, celebrities, or the latest trending shows and movies, that I usually don't have anything to contribute to the conversation anyway. I would rather talk retro-video games, philosophy, linguistics or religion...which are usually too select for most people or considered inappropriate for work or casual conversation anyway.
Alas.
I know a lot about sports, news, and some current events and it doesn't help me. For the most part these are topics that people only tread lightly and don't really know in-depth - whereas I can talk a great deal about this stuff and it's rare for someone to be as interested.
Alas.
As much as I like retro video games, I don't see how it's so much deeper of a topic than sports. Obviously you like video games more, but almost anything can be a deep topic. Certainly I would agree with you about celebrities or popular tv shows but that's simply because I don't care about those things either. Maybe I'm misinterpreting and that's not what you mean?
In small talk, many NT's use pointless idle conversation as a sort of radio carrier for non-verbal communication. And, that non-verbal message may simply be a continual "I like being here and I'm comfortable with you." It's almost like playing a game of catch with a baseball. They are doing something together and enjoying each other's company, without anything intellectually challenging. We goof things up, because we don't communicate on the same level and because we throw in things that are challenging. That is, they have to think about what is being said and what they are going to say.
Edited: I corrected "good" to "goof".
Last edited by SoftwareEngineer on 30 Apr 2014, 12:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Oh, no I really don't think of video games as being a profound topic either.
I guess I meant two separate categories of things that I find rare in casual
NT conversation.
1) Rather selective topics that don't come up too often, like retro video games, etc.
or 2) Probing the meaningful depths of things, like philosophy or, well, really going below the surface of any topic.
Very interesting point. It does seem like most NT casual conversation is kept up "just for the sake of talking". Talking just to talk seems quite pointless to me if no meaningful information is being exchanged or learned, so I could see where it is done as an ornamentation to non-verbal communication, so to speak...that would probably explain why we don't get much of anything out of it.
i've been there before definitely. what i did was i read up about a variety of subjects, even ones i wasnt immediately interested in so i could relate to people in conversation more.
for example, a close friend of me is really into military history. i really don't care as much, but i read a bit on the subject anyway so i could relate with them. things like that have broadened my horizons.
because years ago i could only talk about video games and computers. now, that's far from the case.
At lunch at work, about once a week my coworkers will get into a really heated discussion about the intricacies of professional football, player statistics, and whatnot. I stay completely silent during these hours because I have next to nothing to contribute, I don't watch football. If the discussion turns to the intricacies of Beethoven's late period string quartets, I'll spend the rest of the day talking non-stop! But, as of yet, our conversations have never turned to that subject lol.