trouble socializing bc lacking knowledge of certain topics

Page 2 of 2 [ 23 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2

marshall
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,752
Location: Turkey

29 Apr 2014, 12:12 am

anneurysm wrote:
This is likely my biggest barrier to being as socially confident as I would ideally like to be. When a new topic that I don't know about is introduced, I do ask questions about it and pretend to be interested in it. This is a good technique as I get to learn about what the other person values/finds interesting and I can save this in mind for future conversations, making it easier for me to contribute to them. Acting interested in whatever the person is talking about, even if you aren't, is also a way to make yourself a more likable person to others.

Although this has led to some popular interests of mine being cultivated (mostly certain movies, tv shows, and current events), the main problem for me is actually getting interested/into some of these things, often not because I haven't tried getting into them, but they either have just failed to hold my interest or at times go against my personal values. For example, I am a vegetarian, and it's hard to connect with others who like talking about the various ways to cook meat or the meat dish they ordered at this one restaurant.

Heavily mainstream people are challenging to get along with for me because I never get to talk about what I would like to and they are so focused on inane conversation without any depth. It's like running into a dead end every time. I *hate* that there are people that I see often (i.e. my boyfriend's family) but don't talk much with and it's because we have different experiences/interests and it's so damn hard for me to know how to connect with them. It is so awkward and I hate it so freaking much because all I want is for people to like me.

Yea. I get bitter about this. I'm missing the chip in my brain that programs me to like things everyone else likes. If I have to work, I'm going to be spending my limited free time with hobbies I actually enjoy, not honing up on popular interests. It seems like social interaction would be easier in more primitive times because everyone would basically have the same life experience. Then again, life itself would be more drudgery.

I also have the problem where I'm overly self-conscious concerning the things I actually enjoy because I'm afraid of people around me not validating me by showing interest/enthusiasm. The result is I don't even talk about "my stuff" and try to connect solely by bringing up things I think others want to hear. I'm either really quiet or I try to be social and feel like I'm just being a chameleon and making it up as I go. This runs out of steam really quick. Another problem is I'm constantly looking for mental stimulation while most people aren't really. I mean, I realize most people socialize for some kind of emotional connection, not to flex their mental muscles, but it's just so hard for me to "feel" the conversation when I'm just not really part the whole "group" thing going on. I think if people had more mentally challenging things to discuss I would find myself beginning to fit in. In the past it was that way. It's just that now there's fewer opportunities.



Nepsis
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 23 Mar 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 39

29 Apr 2014, 3:55 pm

marshall wrote:
I also have the problem where I'm overly self-conscious concerning the things I actually enjoy because I'm afraid of people around me not validating me by showing interest/enthusiasm. The result is I don't even talk about "my stuff" and try to connect solely by bringing up things I think others want to hear. I'm either really quiet or I try to be social and feel like I'm just being a chameleon and making it up as I go. This runs out of steam really quick. Another problem is I'm constantly looking for mental stimulation while most people aren't really. I mean, I realize most people socialize for some kind of emotional connection, not to flex their mental muscles, but it's just so hard for me to "feel" the conversation when I'm just not really part the whole "group" thing going on. I think if people had more mentally challenging things to discuss I would find myself beginning to fit in. In the past it was that way. It's just that now there's fewer opportunities.


I can relate to this 100%. I am very quiet and reserved around most people, but it's usually because so few share my interests or care to really dig deep into topics. One can only put up with chatting about the weather, latest sporting event, or celebrity gossip for so long...and besides the weather, I care to know so little about sports, celebrities, or the latest trending shows and movies, that I usually don't have anything to contribute to the conversation anyway. I would rather talk retro-video games, philosophy, linguistics or religion...which are usually too select for most people or considered inappropriate for work or casual conversation anyway.
Alas.



MegaSonic
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2014
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 25

29 Apr 2014, 6:01 pm

infilove wrote:
I feel like if I knew a lot about sports, news, music, movies, celebrities, and current events, I would have no problem socializing and making friends but none of it interests me and even when I try to learn these things I seem to struggle more compared to things I am interested in so I'm pretty much left in the dust when I attempt to interact with people. Do you find that to be the case with you too?


I know a lot about sports, news, and some current events and it doesn't help me. For the most part these are topics that people only tread lightly and don't really know in-depth - whereas I can talk a great deal about this stuff and it's rare for someone to be as interested.

Nepsis wrote:
I can relate to this 100%. I am very quiet and reserved around most people, but it's usually because so few share my interests or care to really dig deep into topics. One can only put up with chatting about the weather, latest sporting event, or celebrity gossip for so long...and besides the weather, I care to know so little about sports, celebrities, or the latest trending shows and movies, that I usually don't have anything to contribute to the conversation anyway. I would rather talk retro-video games, philosophy, linguistics or religion...which are usually too select for most people or considered inappropriate for work or casual conversation anyway.
Alas.


As much as I like retro video games, I don't see how it's so much deeper of a topic than sports. Obviously you like video games more, but almost anything can be a deep topic. Certainly I would agree with you about celebrities or popular tv shows but that's simply because I don't care about those things either. Maybe I'm misinterpreting and that's not what you mean?



SoftwareEngineer
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Apr 2014
Age: 69
Gender: Male
Posts: 578
Location: Tonopah, AZ, USA

29 Apr 2014, 11:34 pm

In small talk, many NT's use pointless idle conversation as a sort of radio carrier for non-verbal communication. And, that non-verbal message may simply be a continual "I like being here and I'm comfortable with you." It's almost like playing a game of catch with a baseball. They are doing something together and enjoying each other's company, without anything intellectually challenging. We goof things up, because we don't communicate on the same level and because we throw in things that are challenging. That is, they have to think about what is being said and what they are going to say.

Edited: I corrected "good" to "goof".



Last edited by SoftwareEngineer on 30 Apr 2014, 12:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Nepsis
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 23 Mar 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 39

30 Apr 2014, 12:07 pm

MegaSonic wrote:
As much as I like retro video games, I don't see how it's so much deeper of a topic than sports. Obviously you like video games more, but almost anything can be a deep topic. Certainly I would agree with you about celebrities or popular tv shows but that's simply because I don't care about those things either. Maybe I'm misinterpreting and that's not what you mean?


Oh, no I really don't think of video games as being a profound topic either.
I guess I meant two separate categories of things that I find rare in casual
NT conversation.
1) Rather selective topics that don't come up too often, like retro video games, etc.
or 2) Probing the meaningful depths of things, like philosophy or, well, really going below the surface of any topic.

SoftwareEngineer wrote:
In small talk, many NT's use pointless idle conversation as a sort of radio carrier for non-verbal communication...We good things up, because we don't communicate on the same level and because we throw in things that are challenging. That is, they have to think about what is being said and what they are going to say.


Very interesting point. It does seem like most NT casual conversation is kept up "just for the sake of talking". Talking just to talk seems quite pointless to me if no meaningful information is being exchanged or learned, so I could see where it is done as an ornamentation to non-verbal communication, so to speak...that would probably explain why we don't get much of anything out of it.



minervx
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Apr 2011
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,155
Location: United States

30 Apr 2014, 12:18 pm

i've been there before definitely. what i did was i read up about a variety of subjects, even ones i wasnt immediately interested in so i could relate to people in conversation more.

for example, a close friend of me is really into military history. i really don't care as much, but i read a bit on the subject anyway so i could relate with them. things like that have broadened my horizons.

because years ago i could only talk about video games and computers. now, that's far from the case.



Stargazer43
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Nov 2011
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,604

30 Apr 2014, 9:13 pm

At lunch at work, about once a week my coworkers will get into a really heated discussion about the intricacies of professional football, player statistics, and whatnot. I stay completely silent during these hours because I have next to nothing to contribute, I don't watch football. If the discussion turns to the intricacies of Beethoven's late period string quartets, I'll spend the rest of the day talking non-stop! But, as of yet, our conversations have never turned to that subject lol.