How does anxiety hamper your ability to connect with others?

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I would say my anxiety hampers me moderately. I am ok with people i know well, unless i know them to be difficult to deal with. There are a couple categories i have sorted interactions into.

The warm friendly ones or the ones who know and love me still cause anxiety because they are people and i have to interact, but i can deal with this. I can actually enjoy these interactions if i give myself enough leeway to be ok with some awkwardness.

The more difficult category are the people who look at my aspie traits and zoom in on them as if i had a target on my forehead. Those are the ones who purposely say something to "get me going" or try to trip me up. Typically those who know me casually but don't seem to have respect for me. I take longer to process things and am slower of speech than some--these people seem to read these traits as weakness. I also have a hard time getting the point of a joke unless it is pretty dorky. I have a good sense of humor but it is a very aspie sense of humor--usually based on lines from books or tv, and visual imagery. The things they (the people who look at me as weak and mock me on that basis) tend to say--slightly mocking or making fun of me as if i can't see it (sometimes i don't get the whole joke but i can usually get the mocking vibe)--used to bug the snot out of me. But I have learned a technique to deal with those people, at least somewhat:

It is all about a balance of power in interaction. If they have the upper hand, they can make me look very foolish. If i keep the upper hand, i can at least keep me from looking foolish; if they are ignorant enough, i can make them look like a total a$$, just by being kind and keeping my response classy. Purposely overlooking their jibe.

One example: I have a friend who put some of her clothes on a yard sale. She is close to my age, always tastefully dressed and has pretty things. When i stopped in at her yard sale and was looking over her tables, i asked "are these your clothes?" Just being friendly and wanting to know--they looked like her style. Sitting beside my friend was her extremely overweight middle-aged aunt (a person who knows me casually and tends to be slightly mocking or condescending to me although she is nice to other people). The aunt got this smirk and said, "wouldn't you want them if they were my clothes?" I looked at her very sweetly and said that I was sure her clothes would be lovely as well--it just looked like my friend's style and I thought maybe they might be hers. I made myself as sincere and kind as possible and her aunt looked like the mean one instead of me being the mean one. She was setting me up to look as if i were snubbing her extremely plus sized things (i am not a snob based on someone's weight--her stuff just wouldn't have fit me) and I wouldn't take her bait. I was not mean about it--i have nothing against her but she seems to pick on me or try to set me up to look dumb every time i see her.

I try to look for where the balance of power in conversation lies and keep it in my favor. It is hard to do sometimes but gets easier as i practice it. When in doubt, I usually have success if i stay sweet and keep it classy. Doing this has helped me out of some awkwardness. Helps me to channel my anxiety into something constructive too--i have something to think about other than how anxious i am.

Hope this is helpful.

And i do hope i don't come across as being snobby about anyone's weight. I used it to illustrate the difference in clothes. I am lucky and have good genetics in this department--but i do not choose friends based on whether they are thin or heavy and don't mean to insult anyone who struggles with weight. So if i came across otherwise please forgive me.

probly.an.aspie, that's a brilliant strategy for handling conflicted situations - stay classy and sweet, let the other party's ugliness bounce off and hit them instead.

I'll have to remember that aspect of "try to figure out where the power lies" in a situation. I too often overlook that part, to my detriment.

Yep, over the years I've learned to do this as well. Just stay strong, and let the power be where it ought to be.
Of course, do still keep a lookout for bad situations ... some people DO get violent for foolish reasons! (Well, we all probably have done this in the past ... but some more than others!)


This is a good thing to do, or at least make your "power" be at equal or greater than theirs.

It's hard but it isn't impossible to counteract troublesome/difficult people.
You just have to take the power from them. Let them know who's the real boss.

-Ben

Zenwistalia, i hadn't really thought about the violence aspect...i can't address that because i haven't had issues with that. I am also not necessarily talking about lording anything over anyone either. Simply not letting them push my buttons. It keeps me in control of myself, and i try to give them an out as well, if they take it graciously. I don't intentionally make someone look like an a$$, just give them enough rope. If they are truly a jerk they will hang themselves (figuratively of course). If they are an ok person just testing me, they usually give me more respect and we interact more successfully after that.

Speaking to the male aspect of dominance in social interaction, I do know my teenager who has some aspie traits (but i don't think he would test on the spectrum) credits the fact that he does not get picked on at school to his being a football player and weight lifter. He said the biggest bully in the class lets him alone because he dominated an arm-wrestling tournament early in the school year when he was a new kid in a new school last year. I think maybe this is more a thing for boys than girls. My son has not had anyone challenge him to fight--the arm wrestling was good-natured. But as Teddy Roosevelt said, "speak softly and carry a big stick." It seems to work for him. But i think those dynamics are more a male thing.

Difficult female-to-female interactions, in my experience, have been catty rather than out-and-out violent; and i have had a lot of issues with women and situations like i described in my earlier post. I interact more easily with males than females; but because i am female, guys do not challenge my physical strength. They tend to treat me more like "one of the guys" although respectfully. In general, i don't think males play the catty games females do, and my aspie traits work better with that.

So there is the male vs. female social science lesson. if this is helpful...hubby says i over-analyze things but it is sometimes the only way i figure stuff out. Especially in social arenas.

That's good, because I have had a lot of negative encounters, at least from when I went to middleschool ("MS" for now on). The kids at my particular school were quite violent. Like, we'd have fights every week. EMTs would have to come on occasion, etc...
Unfortunately, - feel free to call me a "stupid fat american racist bigot blah blah blah.." - it's people who live in the ghetto/poor areas. They fight a lot. And violently/aggressively.
Dunno for sure, but I think it might have to do with intelligence. Yes there are a few poor, yet intelligent, people who have gotten in a bad situation, but what about the rest? Could it be a [partial] lack of the capability to comprehend things, and/or is it the culture? I've always been curious about these sorts of things.
(End of off-topic rant XD)

But, there IS a difference between being assertive and being a jerk. I'm talking about being assertive of course
(Don't worry, sometimes what I say makes sense to me, but not to others! Or, sometimes it's considered "insensitive" )


Yeah I do think it is more of a male thing.
There WERE fist fights between girls in MS (middleschool), but not nearly as many as between the boys.
Interestingly, I can't recall a single fist fight between a girl and a boy!..


Hahah, that's funny, (as in strange and/or interesting) because I find that girls are a bit easier to converse with, than with other guys!
I'm not really sure why that is, but I've found that they don't tease/bully me as much as guys would.
No "Nerd!" or "you're weird" or "you're gay" or "go suck a ----", etc..

At least, this is how I think and feel at the moment.
Back in MS, I was quite socially immature for my age. (I always have been ... lol)
Sooo ... I'd somehow manage to make the girls hate me too.


Heheh, yep I do the same!
It's a way of coping with sensory/emotional overloading, or dealing with unfamiliar circumstances.

-Ben

"Unfortunately, - feel free to call me a "stupid fat american racist bigot blah blah blah.." - it's people who live in the ghetto/poor areas. They fight a lot. And violently/aggressively.
Dunno for sure, but I think it might have to do with intelligence. Yes there are a few poor, yet intelligent, people who have gotten in a bad situation, but what about the rest? Could it be a [partial] lack of the capability to comprehend things, and/or is it the culture? I've always been curious about these sorts of things.
(End of off-topic rant XD)"

No worries, i don't think you sound bigoted. I have family who work with urban area issues and they say the same thing about the violence etc. I think it is a cultural thing maybe. We live in a high poverty area but not ghetto. Rural. There are poverty related problems but not in the same way as in an urban area. I think kids have more to do here, or different types of things. More farmers and other laborers, kids having chances to work at younger ages. Not in favor of overworking children, of course, but kids need something to do. Chores and part time jobs when they are old enough. Aggressiveness gets channeled more constructively, as a rule. Not that we don't ever have fights among kids but it is different. I don't know what i'd give my kids to do if i lived in a city and they couldn't go outside, do yard work, part time job for older kids, etc. I think culturally around here we teach our kids to be more responsible.

My urban friends, or those who moved to our rural area from an urban area, are not in general as purposeful about teaching their kids to work, even simple chores around the house. They act amazed at my children's resourcefulness at times. But...If i didn't have my kids do chores, i would be totally overwhelmed at the amount of work a family creates. Simple things like doing dishes, laundry, etc. are done much more quickly when everyone helps.

on the social maturity thing: i have a friend who once said in an unguarded moment that i had such a "purity of spirit" that it drew people to me. I think that as aspies we have an innocence that we don't always see. I can see it in my aspie child, but not really in myself. But it makes us targets at times too when people see it as naivete. What earns me kindness from males earns me catty remarks from females. Probably the same thing that earns you kindness from females is seen as weakness by males. I think it is the flip side of the coin.

Anyway, i've got to stop wasting time on the computer and get some supper around for my family. nice chatting with you!

It's ok, that's just my quirky sense of humor XD
I was mainly being sarcastic at how I'm often looked down upon for telling the truth, or being suspicious.


Yep, parallel tasking really does get a lot more done!
Hence the reason for more CPU "cores" in computers! (I'm a tech/engineer kind of guy)

I would have loved to have grown up in the countryside. The peace and quiet .. oh my!
I wouldn't mind being a busy because of it ... I feel that it would be worth it!
Oh, and I'd love to have woods right by my house that I can go for a walk in. Here it's just house after house after house.


Yep!
I do see myself as having "moral cleanliness".
(I'm not religious, but of course I still believe in spirits and what not. Also, I don't really mind if someone follows a particular religion, as long as they stay in their zone, I'll stay in mine )


Hehe, you too!

-Ben

If the anxiety or shyness disappears, I will get (very) social. Then it is actually fun to socially interact with other people.

At work some colleagues tell me: "If you are not there, for example, if you are ill, the days are becoming dull." Apparently my conversations and humor do color their days.

In new situations, with unknown people (with the exception of new unknown colleagues at work), I can become shy, anxious, stuttering, out of balance, etc.

That's me. I understand that completely.

It seems I am quite late to this,but I want to say that I can certainly relate.I despise my anxiety,I find that in social settings my senses are overwhelmed by various things,from noises to smells,to lighting and I find it hard to interact socially,I find it so hard sometimes to get out of my own head and reach out to people,especially strangers.I find that my anxiety will make me dizzy and very sick if it persists to long,and thus its not uncommon for me to isolate.It helps for me when interacting with people if they are nice and warm,but I very seldomly speak in social situations,unless someone asks me a question or engages me,when I am the one to engage in conversation I tend to suddenly have my heart rate skyrocket and even with people I am familiar with,I sometimes will be very quiet if I can't think of anything to say,sometimes if its quiet for long I may ask a genaric question,just to end the silence,or may find a random thing to talk about and ramble on,even if I have little interest in he subject matter.I hope to reach out to people more and overcome my absurd self-consciousness.

When I get anxious it tends to show up as me being rude to people. If I'm very nervous and don't know how to handle a situation I get like that and of course I will never make friends that way.

I have bad days when I am nervous about everything and can't communicate with anybody. Then I have days when I have no worries and everything seems clear as glass. I identify a lot with what Kiriae describes. I know that I come across as very confident. Sometimes I am mystified about that. People have told me I seemed to be completely confident during presentations, when I was shaking all the time. How do people not perceive it?