So sick of the ya-ya-ya and insincerity

Post Reply New Topic

If someone asks you to do something and you'd rather not do anything with that person ever, telling them so is not socially acceptable. What do you really want the person you've invited to say, "No thank you, I'm not interested in spending any more time with you than I have to"?

If you want to be friends with someone and they don't want to be friends with you, the way they say "no, I'm not interested" is by saying they are "busy", by repeatedly canceling plans and not trying to make new ones, and by making excuses when you want to get together. Yes, maybe it would be nice if people could be more direct, but then they would seem rude or mean to others, and really, do you want to hear that someone thinks you are boring or unpleasant or otherwise not worth their while?

I get really nervous if I have to prepare for social gatherings. I don't mind the actual preparation as much as the nervousness about looking right. I don't have a good sense of what is appropriate to wear like others do. And then having to deal with the gathering itself I dislike. It makes me want to run away. Unless I have a few. Then I can pretend to know how to socialize, and if I seem weird, people will assume I'm just drunk.

I often thought about this very thing, Ive mostly given up now, it takes too much out of me to give back the kind of energy required to multiple people on an ongoing basis. I think in my case its that lack of connection/a buzz/feel good experience people get from being in similar company, the reward that is supposed to work both ways is often missing for the other person.

The situation is a bit complicated.

I know the person I wanted to go hiking with wasn't really interested in friendship. I am not *so* disappointed in this. I just wanted a hiking buddy. I wasn't looking for a real friend in her.

The two women who told me they didn't have time are people I see on a regular basis for a few minutes a week. We almost always have a friendly, good chat when we see each other, even if it's only for a couple of minutes. And it seems that we *like* each other. I've had coffee two or three times (over the course of a few years) with one of them, and we had a good time. But they can't make time in their lives...LIKE EVER. It just seems so incredibly self-centered to me.

I have another friend who would off-and-on be busy, and off-and-on respond to emails. I believed the busyness, then got the "I'm overwhelmed and uncomfortable with the amount we communicate" message. This was after sharing books, doing favors, exchanging a few gifts, chatting a few times for over an hour over a cup of coffee, etc. I admit I emailed a lot. But, I could not understand what happened over the last couple of years then get to this place. So I got pretty angry. After a LONG fight (six weeks - who even keeps up a fight that long if one doesn't care about the person???) I finally was able to find out how much emailing is reasonable. AFTER ALL THAT, the answer was "Well, one email a day would be OK." I generally did not ever email that much, maybe 2-3 times a week on average!! ! So, what gives??? Now I am so confused and think I'm going to end up back at "I'm overwhelmed and I want space." One email a day is not space!

I understand when people need space because they have a lot going on in their lives. But, in my experience, it becomes a permanent thing. The person needs "space", then gets used to you not being around...Then they fill up their lives with other things and you get left on the side of the road, discarded. Other things and people are *always* more important. Even if the person LIKES you... I'm just not important enough to make time for during the tough times, and when things get better I get forgotten about. And I'm not exactly given the "OK" that things are better so I can start initiating again to try and get a friendship going.

So, I don't think it's just a matter of someone not *wanting* to be friends. It seems there is something else going on, but I can't seem to get my mind around it. Perhaps it IS that people just don't want to be my friend AT ALL, beyond a little very enjoyable conversation here and there. But why *EVERYONE*? I am not a bad person! If I am quirky, that's it. Just QUIRKY. I have learned a long time ago how not to offend people. And if people can't handle someone who sees the world a *little* (not a lot!) differently, then isn't that their problem? No two people are exactly alike.

I don't think it's necessarily that, Nerdygirl.

People are just selfish. There is the tendency for people to hang out with people for a specific purpose--like helping somebody move. Or there's a money interdependency---one borrows from one, then the other borrows from the one. Or they might have kids who are similar ages, and want to compare notes.

And...like I said...people tend to just get lazy and don't want to go out anywhere. They want to stay in their homes and watch TV. They don't want to get all dressed up. They (even NT's) don't want to have to deal with the social whirl.

I honestly don't think it's you, Nerdygirl. I just think it's the circumstances.

But can't I find ONE PERSON who is willing to actually BE A FRIEND? This is why I titled this thread as I did...Just SO SICK OF IT.

Sometimes I want to go back in time before technology provided so much entertainment for people in their own homes, so that FRIENDS would be valued once again. Back when friends were the most important treasures one could have.

Now we have all this crap that can keep us occupied for hours and people mean nothing. I read about it on this site so much too. Sometimes I wish I was one of those Aspies who didn't care if I had no real friends because I didn't want any. But, instead, I am one who craves friends and can't get any... And I have to see that everything is superficial and people are choosing that over me...

I think you're probably right, Nerdygirl. They are probably choosing the technology over you.

I, myself, if I were living where you're living, would be interested in being your friend. You have eclectic interests, and you're a composer. I once had a lover who was a composer (though it didn't last long). I would feel fulfilled by your friendship. I think you're a multi-faceted woman, and would be a good person to know.

I know it's frustrating....I know you want a friend. I can't make any promises....but I would bet that a friend will arrive in your life sooner than you think.

I've been reading this thread with interest. I think another point that hasn't been touched on yet is that some of this can be a lack of simple common courtesy. I have difficulty with certain social nuances that are not in black and white; but if i make plans with someone, I carry through unless i have a very good reason not to. And if something happens, such as an illness or other legitimate reason to cancel, i make sure i call so as not to stand the other person up. I have had issues in the past with people not having common courtesy, and i think it is our culture.

I also agree with the thing about choosing technology over people. We do have technology at our house (obviously, as i am on WP) but we also take time to turn it off and play Scrabble or other games. We go places and do stuff together ("we" meaning myself, hubby and kids). I am not much of a social butterfly, but sometimes our kids have friends over and i try to make sure they are not playing video games the whole time.

I too miss the '90's sometimes when people didn't walk around on their phones all the time. I try to give people my full attention when i speak. (And, with my attention deficit-type issues, i kind of need to or i will never remember a word they said).

I tend to be an "all or nothing" person, so if i am someone's friend i am loyal and unless they screw me over big time, or other circumstance where the friendship is accidentally destroyed maliciously, they are my friend forever. I don't get the "sometimes your friend" or "you're my friend if i need you but not otherwise" kind of crap. I'd rather be alone than rely on an unreliable friend.

LOL....When I was growing up in the 60s and 70s, I never imagined that people would have computers in their homes, or carry phones in the street.

Howdy. No boos please. I've been like that lately. I'm usually this way in the winter because I can't stand going out in the cold or snow or whatever the weather is doing. This winter has probably been the worst with me going into it getting over pneumonia and I just got sick again a week and a half ago. After that pneumonia ordeal, I'm probably never going to feel "safe" going out during the cold and flu season. I also get SAD during the winter too and school has been taking up a lot of my time.

There is this woman at work that I thought I got along with pretty well and we had thought about going to a knitting /crochet meetup together, but just haven't yet. She was begging me to go out this Fri and as you all know, I have all the things I listed in the first paragraph making me want to say NO, but I didn't and asked her what it was she wanted to do (thinking dinner and conversation might be doable). You know what she wanted to do? Go to a lesbian bar to play bingo. Uh, not doing that. She knows after me telling her several times that that kind of thing is not my cup of tea and still she keeps bringing stuff like that up to do. What does she not understand when I say I am not gay and I have no interest in those kind of activities? She's married for Christ's sake. Jeez Louise! So I doubt we'll be doing anything anytime soon. I try to keep my work separate from my friends most of the time, but I've lost a lot of friends over the past 5 yrs and know that I need to try to make new ones. It just takes so much effort to try and trust people again.

I fit the description for the first part of the paragraph.

But if someone truly wanted to be friends with me, then I suppose I couldn't disappoint them. But I highly doubt OP would like to be friends with someone they can't hang out with irl.

I totally get that some people have chemistry and others don't. There are lots of people I don't have chemistry with. (I wish I did - it would make all this easier, I'm sure...more potential friends to choose from.) What I don't get is why *almost every person* I seem to have chemistry with does this "too busy" thing. Am I really that clueless? With these people, in person conversations seem to go great. It just never goes beyond that. I don't think all these people are *all* liars.

This is why, in my first post, I wondered if it really is me. That when it comes to anything beyond the 5-minutes-a-week conversation, no one wants to be bothered with me.

I could provide 6 minutes a week or more, if desired.

So why do you want friends anyway? It was kind of obvious that my reply was ignored in a sense, because it doesn't relatively help your specific case... Though I am quite surprised I was quoted...

So you would rather prefer a tangible friendship than sharing with anyone you digitally meet off here?

I have a few examples that I will post

1. I had a childhood friend lose her interest in me by the time she turned 12 and things have never been the same. We often broke it off and re-connected a few times. The first time was after a 2 year hiatus when she said yes to sleeping over. Long story short she kept postponing and expecting me to do all the calling. By the third time she ghosted by having her mom tell me to call her back in the next 15 minutes because she was "Putting her make up on." I did what she said and she was supposedly not there.

2. I made friends with a girl through an autism center and things seemed to go well at first. Then she went down to a vocational program for 9 months and came back acting like she never had time for me. I often got excuses that we could not get together because she had to babysit her sisters. Yet, she bragged about having time for a sleep-over with another friend of hers. She got into the military not long after and she was too busy working out with her personal trainer for her boot camp routines to meet me for a send off.

At least WINS in New York City used to provide us with 22 minutes!

Seriously, Nerdygirl.....I'm sorry you're unhappy. You should put that unhappiness into your music---especially if you're writing some kind of tribute to someone. If you put the "ups and downs," it will be a substantial piece.

I guess I didn't understand what you were saying.

I have a few friends here on WP. On-line friendships do help me feel like I have friends. But, it doesn't help how I feel about a some people IRL that I am frustrated with. And it doesn't answer why I can't seem to get any IRL friends, or at least as many as I want (which is more than one.)

If you are asking if I want to be friends with YOU, I didn't catch that before. Feel free to send me a message.

On-line friendships are good, but it's kind of like always exercising indoors. I need to get out and breathe the fresh air and feel the sunshine and smell the woods. I still need the tangible feel of friendships IRL, though on-line friendships *lessen* that need.

I also wonder if I met the on-line people IRL if we would still like each other. I would hope so. But I did meet one person on WP and then met up with her IRL. It was really awkward and I realized I probably did not ask enough of the right questions before getting together. We were not at all a good match. We haven't communicated since.