Is meeting irl a bad idea?

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Its up to you! But i think you will be internally kicking yourself over this for some time, at least meeting face to face you deal with it all in a short period of time. Also sounds like you have a good rapport with the individual as im sure you wouldn't be meeting them if you didn't feel this way. If you are pretty close with them maybe try to explain how difficult it is for you, are they on the spectrum as well? Or if uncomfortable talking, maybe write something, as i know you do that very well!

yes, they are on the spectrum as well.

I tried explaining some of the difficulties.
I really suck at explaining.
It made the situation far worse because I can't properly explain the difficulties, and then they offered solutions but the solutions actually make things far worse.

I suppose they think we're going to sit down and have a lovely chat together.

Ahahahahahaha!

Oh.. lol, well try not to worry too much Raleigh! ( i know, easier said than done!) Im sure they are also going through their version of panic and anxiety also. Its good i think that he is offering solutions, it shows they care even though the solutions that have been raised may have made a few things more difficult for yourself, the fact that they are trying is a good sign, and dont feel bad that the solutions that have thus far been aired makes you feel more uncomfortable, maybe just keep communicating till you do find something that you feel more comfortable with. Just try not to internally panic as this will mask any potential good idea and you will worry no matter what
Maybe just keep in communication online/phone etc until you do feel more comfortable, as its a good way to get to know each other then in a short amount of time you might start feeling more connected with said person as you will know them better and visa versa. This will lead a meeting in RL that much easier and more comfortable. If you feel rushed dont feel bad to take the reigns and pull back a little. As they are on the spectrum also then im sure they will understand this! Just take your time and go at the pace that feels most comfortable to you. But please, please dont self sabotage as this will i think lead to more internal and longer lasting pain. There are things in my life i sure wish i had done!! ! But chickened out because of fear, anxiety etc... As like you, its something im still learning and as much as im giving you some advice i will admit it is advice i am also trying to do for myself!
I know i have mentioned about past experiences meeting people but again this isnt something i can do all the time ( actually very little of the time! lol) I also get terrified, racing thoughts even to the point of total mind blankness, sweating, shaking, heart palpitations, unable to speak or when i do it comes out all jumbled, On the spot paralysis where i can see the exit but the fear keeps me stuck on the spot and becomes so overwhelming that i cant say anything as im too busy trying to keep it together! lol
It is a battle, but every now and again i get the energy and confidence to go out my comfort zone and for most part am glad i did... It isnt easy and i wont tell you it is because that would be a lie, it as hard as f%^k... and yes may need a few days recovery. but like any war dont give up! Your a trooper and the upper hand you have in this situation is this someone is also on the spectrum so has a much better understanding than most. Just keep communicating and go with what naturally happens from there Just dont give up Raleigh! im hooting for you! hehe

Well, thank you for the advice.
You sound more keen to make social connections than I do.

It wouldn't worry me if I never met this person.
I would prefer it that way.
There is no one in this world I have ever heard of that I then thought, "I would really like to meet that person!"
The idea is a foreign concept.

what do you think is better- meeting in a relatively crowded public place [like a shopping mall or plaza] or a relatively quiet spare place [like in a public park on a weekend sunny day]? what do you think would happen If you met in a mutually negotiated public place and you basically did 90% of the listening while the other party did 90% of the talking, and you just had to nod and smile appropriately? would you consider such an experience to be profitable?

your welcome

I know we are all different, however i used to crave acceptance but since been made aware of the spectrum i am enjoying my own time more and not so much fixated on forcing myself into social situations. I can understand how being on ones own in ones own home is very comforting but still result with the guilt, no doubt was part of the brainwash of the early education system and social expectations, so trying to feel less guilty, so rather than surround myself with many i try to surround myself with the few that have a much deeper meaning to me in life
If it is too much for you in any way then you know your body better than anyone.
Hope you feel less stressful soon Raleigh!

I would rather not meet at all.
Even my many crushes I had no desire to meet in person.
Because ewww.
I would prefer to observe the person without them knowing I'm observing them.
That's about it.
Invisibility.

all my life I've had to observe people from afar and hope they didn't take offense, so whenever I had the chance to actually meet somebody of like mind, I jumped at it, there are so few opportunities for such. I enjoy meeting other aspies, wish it could happen more often, but we are so comparatively isolated and dispersed.

If you've known them for a while, know what types of red flags to look for (asking for money, suspicious stories, etc), and meet in a public space I consider it safe. It's very common to meet people from the Internet now.

I met friends from an older forum offline who lived locally, and we were friends offline for a few years (they moved all the way across the country later). Many people who hang out online for video games and anime have "conventions" for big fan gatherings where everyone can meet, play, and buy merchandise.

Sounds like you might as well just tell them you don't want to meet instead of stringing them along any longer. And maybe next time be more clear about that earlier on.

Also you probably should not try to observe this person from afar, best if you throw away whatever paper you have the address written on or delete it from your computer.

Stringing them along?
Yes.
The idea is nice but the reality would suck.

Crippling anxiety to the point of meltdown?
Yes.
But meeting people is so easy!

Making real life friends?
Forget it.

What the hell is wrong with me?

some people are just born sans social module, so these social nicety things will always be dicey. others of us have the social module but it is buggy and not trustworthy.

maybe you could just tell your friend that the idea makes you anxious? it doesn't really need to make sense. if it makes you anxious, then that's it

i've met two people from online forums irl so far. the first one was the person who is still essentially my best friend (even though i live in south-south america and she lives in northern-northern europe...). it was very nice. it didn't feel like she was a different person irl or anything. but then again we both do tend to talk a lot (and we both didn't mind staying quiet sometimes). i guess we have similar personalities

the second person was my then-girlfriend, also abroad. i lived with her for a short while. she did turn out to be very different irl in some ways. it didn't work out. i don't regret the experience though

i guess in both cases trust came from the fact that i talked a lot with them, and the conversation was usually very personal and detailed. any kind of scenario with shady motivations would be simply unrealistic and far-fetched compared to the assumption that i was telling the truth about who i was and that they were telling the truth about who they were

I've met and become friends with three people in real life who I initially met on an internet forum board. Two of them I met and spent time with in real life, one of them was more long distance and we could only talk on the phone, but I had other verification of her life and identity.

All of them turned out to be exactly the person they portrayed themselves to be online, ie, they didn't turn out to be serial killers or anything bad. It turned out that everything they had said about themselves online was precisely who they were. There were no nasty surprises.

All three were women (and I'm a straight woman) thus it was strictly friendship, not a romantic or sexual connection.

One of them lived in my actual city, just four miles from me, thus we were easily able to meet up in person many times and for years -- we used to visit each others homes and hang out. I did allow her to visit my home the first time I met her. I was taking a chance, and she could have brought along a huge male friend who could have raped and robbed me once past the door -- but luckily nothing like that happened. Instead we chatted all evening and got along so well that she is still my friend 13 years later.

She remains my closest friend to confide in even though I have now moved away from our shared city, and we only e-mail now.

The other two friends, we got along great the same at first, then I had a falling out with both of them.

But basically I got lucky with three people.

There was a fourth person I met on a forum board and agreed to speak on the phone with, which turned out badly even without meeting him.

He was a guy but I made it very clear from the start that I was not looking for a relationship or sexual involvement of any kind, and it was to be strictly platonic if we were to speak on the phone. I also said I did not want to meet in person. The reason we even connected in the first place was we had both had a recent breakup and commiserated with each other. But I said I'm not looking for anything but friendship.

He agreed with those terms and seemed okay just being phone buddies for ordinary conversation. But on the second or third phone chat, he seemed to be drinking and getting drunk. The conversation was deteriorating. Then he started saying "why haven't we met up in person yet?" even though I had said I will not do that. I tried to politely remind him this is just meant to be friendly chats.

(We had both been through bad breakups and simple mutual support was all this was supposed to be, no meet-ups.)

He suddenly announced out of the blue "You're an idiot." He proceeded to call me all kinds of names, including see you next Tuesday.

I told him how dare you speak to me this way, I haven't deserved that, don't call me again, and hung up on him.

Next thing I know, he trashed me on the online board where I met him. He PM-ed with a troll there and told the troll a 100% outright lie about me. Not even a "slight" truth, it was a completely fabricated lie and it ruined me on that board. People believed it and never let it go. People actually believed a pathetic drunk, but a well-liked one, who didn't even know me properly and had only spoken to me twice, over my sincere advisement that it wasn't even true and he was being hateful because I refused to meet in person.

So, that one was a really bad experience. Five years later the people on that board STILL think what he said was true about me. I don't post there anymore because I get trolled. You might think, well so what, it's just an internet lie. But the worry is that if anyone who knows me in real life connects me on that board to the outright lie, it's the kind of lie that could ruin my real life and my ability to work in a position of trust. Even though there isn't even the tiniest truth in what he said, people actually take it as "gospel" to this day and goad me. I look sometimes, but always run into the goading posts trying to get me to respond, but I don't post anymore. It has hurt a lot and has never ended, on that place.

This is why I don't do contact outside of boards anymore.

Your over analyzing, enforcing unwarranted anxieties, just go out and do it, or live alone forever.

All my close friends (and I mean it, all of them) I made on internet forums (back in the day when IRC was a thing). This way, I found people that actually shared interests with me, and with whom I knew I could talk. The key point has been already raised by others: meet in a public spot. A cafe, a bookstore, a music store, etc. I also met my partner on the internet, and it's being so far one of my best relationships. I see the internet as a more effective sampling method than giving it up to chance. Good luck with whatever you decide!