Anyone else got this treatment at school?

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I did say Joe should try to reconnect with her on Facebook. But I only advocated "friending" her.

I found my best childhood friend (from the 1960s and 1970s) on Facebook. I even found his phone number on another site. All I did was try to "friend" him on Facebook. No response has come. I'm not going to call him.

That wouldn't serve the purpose of trying to reconcile what have happened. When it comes to "other" childhood friends, yes, friending them would be enough. But when it comes to girl A specifically, then she should start a discussion to reconcile with her what have happened.

Besides, what if she friends her and she ignores friend request (which happens to me way too many times) then what? But if she sends her that message about what happened then facebook would tell her if she "read" it or not. And if she "read it" and chose to ignore it, then at least she heard her side of the story so at least she tried.

If she (Girl A) ignores the friend request, it could mean

1. She doesn't use Facebook much or

2. She wants no contact with the "friender."

I don't see any use in pursuing things if Girl A doesn't accept the friend request.


Kids do all sorts of things at age 12-14 that they either regret later, or laugh about later.

As I reflect, maybe I shouldn't have invalidated Joe's feelings about what happened with that girl. There are things from about that age which affect me greatly, too. But these things have led to me making wrong choices, and also to feel depression which has no basis in the present.

And if thats the case, how does she know its "not" because of what happened back then? Maybe its not, but maybe it IS. She can't rule it out until she has a conversation about it -- which is precisely why she needs to have that
conversation.



You are still missing the point. The issue is "not" how the past affected Joe90 -- but rather the issue is how did it affect Girl A's present opinion of Joe90. Yes its true that Girl A isn't sitting around thinking about Joe90 all day: since she is an NT, she has a lot of social life in the here and now. But you see, I am not sitting around all day thinking "the earth is round and flat earth society are idiots" -- yet I still agree with both of those statements. By the same token, it is also possible that Girl A would agree with the statement such as "Joe90 is an ungreatful loser" despite "not thinking about it" -- and I don't want Girl A to be in agreement with such a statement! Or even if she doesn't think Joe90 is a loser but more like "Joe90 doesn't really care so it doesn't really matter", well, still, its not nearly as nice as thinking "Joe90 deserves better than that" -- which is what she USED TO think -- but not any more due to that one incident. So it is still worth trying to "fix" it.

Closure is good; but it's not always possible.

I'd like "closure" on a lot of things----but that's just not possible. I have to live with that fact.

That's just the way life is.

Whether or not its possible, she will only find out after she tries. So maybe she should try. Then she would get a different type of closure, like telling herself "well at least I tried" -- which she can't say until she does.

Now....I did advocate that she try.

You said she should just friend her without saying anything else -- and I am saying she should send her that message explaining what happened.

In my opinion, I feel like this might not work out too well.

It's quite possible that Girl A, now 29 or so, would wonder what Joe is talking about.

Most people would probably not mind it too much---but there are those who might feel harassed by a letter like that. I believe must people would be befuddled, really.

If Joe happens to make contact with Girl A, and they become great friends, that would be a great story. I would be delighted if that happened.

I see your point but, at the same time, I also feel like it would be a case of "two wrongs making it to right". In particular, Girl A would think "since Joe90 harassing me about it, I was wrong in thinking she doesn't care". Obviously, harassing won't make it any better, but at least the miscommunication would get straightened out.

But I guess I also see that, from strategic point of view, it might be even better not to mention it to Girl A until they become friends -- and "after" they become friends "then" mention it -- and at that point Girl A would not be feeling harassed by that topic so there would be best of both worlds. But the downside of it is what if Step 1 won't happen, then she would never get to Step 2. Thats what makes me want to go to Step 2 right away, even though it would appear pushy.

We have different approaches to the same objective.

You seem to have gone off on a tangent here. So may I say, I have tried looking for her on Facebook before but I couldn't find her, and the Facebook filters are crap. And no, I'm not going to go chasing her around the internet just to settle a petty little situation that happened 16 years ago at school. I've moved on, and I'm sure she has. Yes I know I posted about it here but sharing a past friendship situation on an autism forum is a bit different to actually physically bringing it up to her on social media.

I understand.

But you mentioned she gave you her phone number. Do you still have it? If not, could you look her up on a phone book and/or find her through your mutual friends?



Actually I think "moving on" is one of the main things that keep aspies isolated. When NT-s make snap judgement about aspies, they "move on", so they never re-evaluate their judgements. Maybe if NT-s didn't "move on" as fast as they do, aspies would have had second chances. Well I can't speak for everyone, but thats what it feels like in my case.



I wasn't so much thinking about the fact that you posted it, I was more thinking about the fact that it happened. In my case I have lots of things that happened -- some of them I posted some of them I didn't -- that I wish I could resolve but can't. Thats why I keep putting myself in your shoes and thinking you probably feel the same way, even if you are trying to suppress those feelings.

She gave me her mobile (cell phone) number, but this was back in 2002. Her phone was probably an old Nokia and she's probably got a new number now. I don't have her number she wrote down now, that got thrown out years ago (I don't keep all my old school books). It's OK, I'm not that bothered. She's probably forgotten about it and might be married with kids and living her life now.