THE SECRETS OF SUCCESSFUL EYE CONTACT

Post Reply New Topic

I just wanted to let you guys know: your postive feedback made a good impression. Alex, the developer of the website, has asked to put the Eye Contact article up in the articles section. Look for it there, as well as other soon to follow!

Check-in's actually the one thing I really have no problem with. The times I get skiddish are when I'm feeling something from them like if I make anything more than minimal eye contact that I'm gonna scare em.

One of the biggest problems I have though is, especially when I'm overloaded or nervous, I have a real intense look in my eye and it's been tripping people out all my life. The more I think about it, I can see where almost everytime I've also gotten wierd or petty reactions from women over nothing it's been something like that - nice to at least be getting more verification that it isn't my personality.

This is also my problem and since I am usually overloaded or nervous it is a big problem.

Y

PS. GroovyDruid - Glad the response has been so good. Keep it up

You got it.

I'm also thinking of doing a bit in which I answer questions members have in a thread-type format.

If y'all have specific problems or questions regarding interpersonal communications, feel free to PM them to me. Other members I'm sure will empathize and enjoy seeing such questions aired. I can't promise to answer them all, but I'll do my best.

GroovyDruid

When I am listening to someone I always look right at them and I repeat every word they say in my head. It is the only way I can look and hear what is being said.

I was always told over and over again when I was young to look at people when they talk to me so I think I took that to mean always look when they are speaking. My sister is the only person that has ever said anything to me about staring when people are talking.

i find that when i am exhausted or tired not (drunk) that i have a more relaxed expression although most of the time i avoid eye contact but lets remember there are other sensory cues for flight or fight and when this happens i direct everything into the evil eye which i think is more than just "a look" rather it is one or the other eye left or right dependant on a few factors whether or not your introverted/extroverted and even according to which direction your nose points in meaning that even the straightest nose has a linear angle pointing to that "evil eye" not to give away which one it is but i hope you get the idea. thanks.

i find that when i am exhausted or tired not (drunk) that i have a more relaxed expression although most of the time i avoid eye contact but lets remember there are other sensory cues for flight or fight and when this happens i direct everything into the evil eye which i think is more than just "a look" rather it is one or the other eye left or right dependant on a few factors whether or not your introverted/extroverted and even according to which direction your nose points in meaning that even the straightest nose has a linear angle pointing to that "evil eye" not to give away which one it is but i hope you get the idea. thanks.

Is everyone here white? I think it is 50 times worse when you are a minority trying to deal with whites. They don't give you ANY benefit of a doubt. If you are white and an abusive racist, then you can still be popular. I am shcckeded that people here report they have firends. Literally, no exaggeration, eveyone I have contact with hates me or shuns me. How is it possilbe you guys have friends? I lock in and glare and don't smile, or else I mumble and don't make eye contact. I'm 36 and never learned any social skills. This is my last semester in college, and I haven't made one friend....ever...ever...ever..EVER!! !!

Hmm... Hold on a second, are you should you posted in the right thread?

Strangely, as I'm studying in the UK now, most of my acquantineces and friends are white (which is bizarre because in my course it's about 60% non-white, at least 30% of the whole course are various ethnic Chinese). I think they are quite accommodating and open, it is rather the Chinese themselves who shun me of my non-conforming ways! I think you have a serious attitude issue that has to be sorted out. Most people gives minorities the benifit of doubt. In fact, most people are quite nice actually, there are of course bigots running out there but this is a beautiful world and you have yet discovered it.

On another note, I generally galnce around the face rather than focusing on the eyes because if I start look into the eyes there is a danger that I become fixated to them and giving a stare. The other way is to look through them to another point you can focus, then they will not suspect your eye contact yet you don't feel as threating as looking into their eyes.

Angxiled,
I am white so I can't speak from the perspective of someone who has been discriminated against, but it seems as though racism varies by location. It seems to be a real problem in parts of Europe for example- look at what happened in France a few weeks ago. I live in the Midwest U.S. and people, in general, seem to be very tolerant here. I've even seen the "abusive racist" type shunned by his peers for being intolerant on a few occasions.

Also, why do you feel that people immediately shun you when you come into contact with them? I do come into contact with people who are complete jerks from time to time, but most people will at least let you make a first impression before they judge you. Making eye contact and sounding reasonably confident seems to help a lot if you're looking to avoid being labeled as "weird".

I'll try to give some helpful advice on this from my area of expertise:

If you are a minority, then I would highly recommend a book called SIGNALS, by Allan Pease. The reason is this: non-verbal signs and body language varies widely among ethnic groups. And what happens? They miscommunicate--badly. Brief example: African-Americans generally use less eye contact, which comes across to Caucasians as shifty and dishonest. Caucasians generally use more eye contact, which comes across to African-Americans as aggressive and pushy. Asians often have a closer personal space.... the list goes on and on.

I recommend the Allan Pease book because it gives the body language of white middle class adults. I'm not saying that your exclusion and pain haven't been real, but you might find reading this book that you may have misconstrued some behavior of Caucasians around you for hostile when it was not meant to be.

At least I hope so. Best wishes!

(PS. You can also find a lot of information at your school library on the differences between the communication styles and body language of different races and ethnic groups. It will be under Linguistics.)

Sure you can: you have Asperger's Syndrome!

Hi All!

I was getting quite a few questions regarding body language and non-verbal communication, so I have started Dear Aspie..., a Q&A feature to answer and discuss questions.

You can access it through my blog. Here's one of the latest to check out:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/asperger.html?name=blogview&user=GroovyDruid

Feel free to post questions here, if you like to be answered in the feature, or PM me. The questions can be specific to your life now, or just questions you've had on your mind that never got answered. The goal is to build interest in body language as an aid for aspies to understanding non-verbal communication.

I hope you enjoy it!

Last edited by GroovyDruid on 03 Dec 2005, 2:23 pm, edited 2 times in total.

So Monday morning when I walk into French clsss, I should stand in front of a girl and hook my thumb into my belt?

Man, I'll give it a try.

I honestly don't even know how to say hello, let alone in a friendly manner.

I am probably the rudest person any of these people ever encounteed. I don't know how to act unrude.

Someone asked how I knew people were hostile towards me? Well when they don't answer you back or glare at you when you talk to them........here is a sure sign: they act very pissed off at you. Basically, they mimic however you are acing towards them or misinterpret and become very defensive and hostile. Then when they talk to eveone else in the class, they are very friendly towards them. Some peopple wont even f*****g talk to you or look at you as though you just took a s**t in front of them.

It sounds like you read my blog/column! Thanks for checking it out!

As to the tactic above: I wouldn't recommend being quite so overt. Most women know what the thumb-in-belt gesture means, and an overt display turns them off. Usually it is better to do this generally, and then keep an eye out for who's interested.

But be warned: when you start making these sorts of gestures, the ladies will take notice and find it intriguing, but the men will dislike you. Simlply put, you are suddenly the competition, a strutting, viril male in their space. They will start to feel that you are an arrogant iconoclast. They will distrust you and backstab you when they get the chance. 'Tis the price of glory, I'm afraid...

Last edited by GroovyDruid on 03 Dec 2005, 11:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That and there's also the possibility that they are difference-phobic or just being petty.



I think people gravitate towards a***holes, especially if they're predictable and stable ones, just because it's a challenge to their social skills for one thing and since people are also kind of afraid of that in others to an extent being friends with em or being able to navigate their crap well does a little bit for status (at least if that particular a***hole is a very well accomplished in sports, has a lot of money, at least cracks people up a lot, or whatever).

As for this girl in your French class though, you can try that approach but I don't know what to say on it myself because I'd really feel like I was sending the psycho vibes with that. I do have a whole bunch of David DeAngelo's Interviews with Dating Gurus cd's and in the latest one (just got it in the mail a few days ago) strangely enough the guy does actually recommend walking up to a girl like that in a quiet setting, being intense, and and while not acting creepy making sure she sees that you really had to summon it up to go talk to her.

What I think is so brutal about that for aspies, aside from the obvious, is its almost too random because you aren't 100% sure what kind of girl it is your talking to and when you do that without even fully knowing if you'd even like her or not it feels like your building up a lot of ham and feeding her a load of BS (well, it would for me anyway). All the same though: if you've seen this girl arround, if she has smiled at you, if she has shown you certain ques like that which she hasn't shown other people (ie. not just being friendly), and you can see your personalities realistically working - then yeah, by all means go for it. If you are interested in her, I'm guessing you've already sorted out that she isn't sketchy like some of the other people you've described.