Trying so hard to be friends, yet it won't work.

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TigerFire the Sycophant!

I am sorry, I am not trying to upset you. I am merely trying to make you recognize your behavior so you can improve it in order to find extra happiness and rainbows and flowers and sugar-butterflys and candy with wings and and ... !

I know all you disgusting bastards have been dying to know what hale_bopp looks like, so I decided to post this secret unauthorized photo of her, without her permission. Note the wings, yes she has real wings in real life (one of those genetic things), not only in her avatar.

I realize this means she will have me assassinated in the next few days, but... it was still worth it!! !

err.r... wtf?

edit. Oh, lol.

Now let's return to the subject of this thread - hale_bopp's issue...

Back on topic, it is not always possible to befriend a certain person. Sometimes you just simply cannot befriend someone regardless of how hard you try. And in these cases, excessive persistance has the potential to cause trouble, for example the target feeling harassed or stalked (although that probably happens more in the male-to-female direction).

So I think, give it a good effort, and if it does not work, unfortunately you have to drop it. Or leave it for a few weeks and try again later. Just have to be careful to stop trying before the person feels harassed.

Why is it sometimes impossible to befriend a certain person? I am not sure, but I suppose it is a matter of incompatible personalities, and there being limits to how much you can or are willing to change to accommodate the other person. Lack of common interests may also be a problem. Or failure to create a feeling of camaraderie in the other person.

I think a key point is that creation of a friendship requires effort by BOTH people. So therefore, even if you do everything perfectly right yourself, it is still insufficient if the other person fails to do their part. It is impossible for you to do both parts of a friendship.

This may be a bad choice of analogy, but it is like a garbage truck heheh, sorry for the choice of analog, but if I may continue: And I am not talking about the modern garbage trucks that are operated by a single person. I am talking about the old style of garbage truck which requires no less than 2 people: A driver and a guy to pickup the bins and empty them into the truck. With these sort of trucks, 1 of the 2 guys can do his job absolutely perfectly, but the garbage collection operation will still fail unless they BOTH do their part. If 1 of the 2 is not willing to do is part, the operation fails.

Although with modern garbage trucks, robotics/hydraulics replace the role of the guy that picks up the bins.

SO! The moral of the story is:

Friendships are not like modern garbage trucks.

i have a friends only one is my age.. all the firnds i have i have because THEY wanted to make friends with ME. if i try to make freinds with ppl they walk away or ignore me (offline)
all the friends are connected to me by my drums. the are either drummers or musicians. when i say all the friends i mean 2 friends. 1 is 21 same as me and we met when i was 14 at marching band he played snare drum then moved to the mace drum major, and my other friend is 40 and i met him last year at a music festival he saw me playing drums and now we have gotten together and reocrded music. he is goin to find other band members from his friends and form a proper band out of it. im really looking forward to it. i havent been in aband since i was at college where people DID take me on to be their drummer because of my drumming skills. no attempts were made at friendships and a stayed pretty much a loner at college only discussed band related things

Emp correct me if I'm wrong but are you trying to...mother me? I don't need your mothering or I anything else that you have under your selves. No wonder I was thinking about canceling my membership here. It's because of you.

TigerFire & emp, please sort out your personal debate private, Don't go hijacking this thread


Hale & others, i have done "research" on friendship by way of google as this issue stings me most.....
One private site said that friendship is really competition - as frienship works as long as both sides admire each other. Soi both parts have to achiebe or have or show something special in the area that interests the other side.
Plainly, you keep a friend if you can do something the other cannot do....this is someone's private view, not scientific theory but stil...
Because admiration is part of friendship, others are respect, care....
So you start with looks.
See if you and this woman have something in common, Hale_Bopp

But maybe you received all the advice you needed before this one.... How is it?

When I think about it, I guess I don't switch off interest quickly or easily, but it does eventually fade. Like a lot of people, if I'm hurt I withdraw -- so from the outside it might look like I easily dropped an interest in getting to know that person. Inside I tend to obsess etc... but once I figure out what "it" was that had me wanting to get to know that person in the first place - I can start to move on. Of course, as I'm writing this, I can think of at least one time it didn't work like this - been years now and it is still hard to let go of feelngs for someone I had gotten close to.



This is similar to how it works for me. It seems easier to be responding to someone who has already shown an interest in getting to know me, than to be trying to get someone to feel that interest in the first place. A common interest evens the playing field and makes conversation easier.

Hale-Bopp, are there interests you and this woman have in common, or is your feeling drawn to her more nebulous or general? If its the second, that might be why its hard to get a friendship going. Or, maybe she just isn't interested in developing friends right not and it doesn't have anything to do with what you're saying or doing.

my 2 cents

I think that the problem is actually "trying too hard" showing too much interest usually just pushes people away, just stop tryign and when you stop payign attention to this girl then she'll be dragged to you, then you can just talk or whatever. theres an artice here about how to keep a conversation going, just talk and share and you'll have a new friend, just dont get too attached to the idea too soon.

err.. thats' what i've been doing for the past year. It doesn't work. Maybe i'll just give up.

I've always looked at friendship as a mutual pact of permission. We need 'permission' to be someones friend, and other people need our 'permission' to be our friends. Real life is kind of like myspace, although more vague. You find someone, ask them to be your friend, then wait for their permission/approval, and vice versa through that little click of the button. In real life we don't put forth the issue in this cut and dry manner, so its a lot harder to tell if someone is willing to be our friend.

Maybe slip her a piece of paper with "be my friend?" written on it, and a box to check next to yes or no, like in grade school

well theres this "theory" that says that people want what they cant have, maybe thats whats happenign here, if she were all over you wanting to be friends then probably you wouldnt care much. only thing you can do is what she actually did to you, turning the game back at her and if that doesnt work then theres just nothign much to do.

Hale_Bop:

You do the best you can, if that doesn't work, you get over it, otherwise you destroy yourself. Which is not a good idea at all.

My 2 cents.

Regards,
Beentheredonethat

This is probably the best advice yet. Thanks everyone else, your input is helpful too.

If she is only your friend because of a game (manipulation), then she is not really your friend.