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Is it THAT HARD for people to just want to be your friend.

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Tequila
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10 Oct 2011, 12:38 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
It gets tiring. I just want friends. To have fun with, do things with and support each other.


Try women instead? Don't chase after men, unless you want someone who has no sexual feelings for anyone. In which case you'd be better looking after a puddy tat. Honestly.

Also, you live in New Zealand, where there are more sheep than people and a lot of horny men.



ruckus
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10 Oct 2011, 1:19 pm

smudge wrote:
ruckus wrote:
I've been having similar problems. Twice now even girls I thought I was getting close to turned out to be gay and lost interest in me once it was obvious the feeling wasn't mutual. I have made and maintained friendships that began because the person was interested in me sexually, but it seems like these are the only friends I am able to make - people who don't want to bone me seldom bother speaking to me. I'm in a long term relationship now and despite my efforts I can't seem to make new friends like I used to, and it all seems to boil down to the fact that I am no longer a sexual prospect.
It makes me think that though I am reasonably attractive, I still harbour all the typical aspie traits and only those who feel they'll reap some kind of immediate reward from me can be bothered putting up with it. I've noticed this happens not just when sex is on the table, but art too - if I'm painting and drawing regularly old friends will flock to me, praising me, asking me to hang out, and often wanting me to make something for them, like album art, posters, et cetera. As soon as I fall into a creative slump these 'friends' begin to slink back into the shadows.

If you lived just a little bit closer I'd offer to meet up for a cup of tea but unfortunately there is quite a bit of water between us!


Interesting. I've always felt too ashamed to be creative with my art, cos I'm not a very creative person, yet I can draw/copy well, and I'd be very good at it now had I not stopped years ago. Maybe people think your talent would rub off on them? :shrug:

Don't be ashamed! Technical skill is just as valuable as creativity, if not more so. What's the use of having innovative ideas if you can't put them on paper, anyway?



smudge
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10 Oct 2011, 1:21 pm

ruckus wrote:
smudge wrote:
Interesting. I've always felt too ashamed to be creative with my art, cos I'm not a very creative person, yet I can draw/copy well, and I'd be very good at it now had I not stopped years ago. Maybe people think your talent would rub off on them? :shrug:

Don't be ashamed! Technical skill is just as valuable as creativity, if not more so. What's the use of having innovative ideas if you can't put them on paper, anyway?


Having lots of good ideas is the same as creativity though, isn't it?



hale_bopp
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10 Oct 2011, 1:31 pm

Tequila wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
It gets tiring. I just want friends. To have fun with, do things with and support each other.


Try women instead? Don't chase after men, unless you want someone who has no sexual feelings for anyone. In which case you'd be better looking after a puddy tat. Honestly.

Also, you live in New Zealand, where there are more sheep than people and a lot of horny men.


I don't chase after Men, Tequila. In fact, I have never approached a man requesting friendship for a long time. I try and befriend women a lot, but it's very hard for them to seem to find time for you. I made a female friend cupcakes for Christmas and she could not even find time for me to drop in to deliver them for example. It's that hard.

All I seem to be presented with are offers of fake friendship from males.



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10 Oct 2011, 1:32 pm

smudge wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
It gets tiring. I just want friends. To have fun with, do things with and support each other.

Not some guy pretending to be your friend only to find out that they only want a relationship. That isn't a real friendship.
I get things like "Yeah we can hang out. But only if I know you're at least OPEN to having a relationship"

no no no NOO!


Isn't that what I said earlier? But you disagreed with it. I'm confused.


Perhaps. It's probably me who got confused. In that case, sorry.



smudge
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10 Oct 2011, 1:35 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
I don't chase after Men, Tequila. In fact, I have never approached a man requesting friendship for a long time. I try and befriend women a lot, but it's very hard for them to seem to find time for you. I made a female friend cupcakes for Christmas and she could not even find time for me to drop in to deliver them for example. It's that hard.

All I seem to be presented with are offers of fake friendship from males.


Aww, that's a really nice thing to do. I'd love it if a friend did that for me. None of my friends are giving. I bought one a birthday present recently and she didn't give me one for mine, and the other told me she never bought anyone presents. I've never made any friends who were giving. I used to be giving, then realised it was a waste of time.



ruckus
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10 Oct 2011, 1:39 pm

smudge wrote:
ruckus wrote:
smudge wrote:
Interesting. I've always felt too ashamed to be creative with my art, cos I'm not a very creative person, yet I can draw/copy well, and I'd be very good at it now had I not stopped years ago. Maybe people think your talent would rub off on them? :shrug:

Don't be ashamed! Technical skill is just as valuable as creativity, if not more so. What's the use of having innovative ideas if you can't put them on paper, anyway?


Having lots of good ideas is the same as creativity though, isn't it?

Yep. But how are you supposed to draw anything without that technical skill?

What I'm trying to say is the skills you possess mightn't be nearly as shame-worthy as you think... but it's 5:30am here and my typing skills aren't the best. :P



Tequila
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10 Oct 2011, 1:53 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
All I seem to be presented with are offers of fake friendship from males.


Well, perhaps you're trying too hard, then. Try not to do that. Carve out your own niche and your own interests if you can. Take up a hobby. There's loads of space in which to do it in.

P.S.: will you be my fwend? :)


































(just joking!) ;) :P

Ignore those types of men. It's not good for your sense of self to be around guys like that anyway. Be your own, er, woman.

Are you an independent type in real life?



hale_bopp
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10 Oct 2011, 2:00 pm

Tequila wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
All I seem to be presented with are offers of fake friendship from males.


Well, perhaps you're trying too hard, then. Try not to do that. Carve out your own niche and your own interests if you can. Take up a hobby. There's loads of space in which to do it in.

P.S.: will you be my fwend? :)
(just joking!) ;) :P

Ignore those types of men. It's not good for your sense of self to be around guys like that anyway. Be your own, er, woman.

Are you an independent type in real life?


Yeah, good advice, and it's some I'm trying to act on. It's very hard to get past the aquaintence stage though, now I am out of school.

I'm very independent in real life, but I do get lonely.

Also, I would be your friend, you don't come across as one of those guys to me.



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10 Oct 2011, 2:01 pm

ruckus wrote:
smudge wrote:
ruckus wrote:
smudge wrote:
Interesting. I've always felt too ashamed to be creative with my art, cos I'm not a very creative person, yet I can draw/copy well, and I'd be very good at it now had I not stopped years ago. Maybe people think your talent would rub off on them? :shrug:

Don't be ashamed! Technical skill is just as valuable as creativity, if not more so. What's the use of having innovative ideas if you can't put them on paper, anyway?


Having lots of good ideas is the same as creativity though, isn't it?

Yep. But how are you supposed to draw anything without that technical skill?

What I'm trying to say is the skills you possess mightn't be nearly as shame-worthy as you think... but it's 5:30am here and my typing skills aren't the best. :P


I suppose what I meant was that I couldn't make up a cartoon or anything creative from my head. I'm not ashamed to copy, it's just that people aren't impressed by it. When I was little it amazed people. I dunno, all those hours into copying something and making it perfect, nobody appreciates. Plus there's not much money to be made, I guess.



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12 Oct 2011, 3:50 pm

Currently I don't have friends either. Nil.

Back to school I had 1 best friend since ~age 8 till age ~17, It was ended dramatically , he started bullying me at high school + started doing phone threats after finding out my family's political affiliation (him was the son of a VIP Baathist and Pro-Syria, my family were intellectual anti-Ba'ath, his party owned the country, Lebanon was under the Syrian occupation back then - long story.)

Then later at high school had a group of 4: three of them now live abroad, and 1 of them became a local famous young film director, he's too busy and always travelling. I made some effort to stay in touch with via email/chatting...but everything died out gradually.

Then there were 2 friends at the universities (buddies?) , we almost stayed together during the 2 years of Masters' degree , and we did hang out outdoor sometimes. The weird thing about this friendship that it died QUICKLY after graduation. I called them about 5 to 6 times after graduation and suggested to go out to have some lunch together, like the old days. 1...2...3....6th attempt and I gave up, I've also learned they those two were still hanging out together.


The most recent group were a group of 3 guys, they are my brother's best friends, they're all about 3 years older (irrelevant difference), we were used to hang out together to the movies and other places for about 3 years,


However, sometimes i had this feeling that they view me no more than their best's friend little brother , and not as another friend of the group.

That was proved by one of them who got married 2 weeks ago, he invited my brother but he didn't invite me, that wasn't every expected, my sister was very surprised though and she got upset why I didn't say anything about it.

The other 2 of this are now working abroad too but i have a feeling that they would the same.



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12 Oct 2011, 4:02 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
I'm going to get straight to the point.

I have no real friends, and all I seem to get are single males pretending to want to be my friend.
It's extremely annoying. Is it not possible to just be friends with normal people with normal lives, who don't want to move in on you?
I just want a circle of balanced friends, male and female, who are actually my friends, not just users and people who want a relationship.


Personally, I didn't really have friends of the opposite sex.

Well, society here doesn't make it easy, I wasn't the only one.

But if I ever feel attracted to some girl, i don't try to be her friend, I was either used to keep the crush secret or just make my intention clear too early.

It was suggested to me many time by 'gurus' and 'cool guys' to befriend at first the girl before trying to approach her, and that would also open path of her girls friends, so yes, you're right, guys everywhere often use this strategy. And honestly???? it works for many. They use it because it works.

But for some reason, I could never do it, like starting friendships with a girl on the basis of having a relationship with her or one of her friends, I find it too weaseley.



The_Face_of_Boo
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12 Oct 2011, 4:04 pm

You know, sometimes I regret that I didn't make more effort to stay in touch with people and maintaining friends.

Now at my age, everyone has his/her own 'group(s)' locked and penetrating in anyone's group is no more easy like it was in college.



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12 Oct 2011, 4:09 pm

If it helps, I've managed to make friends, but then fall out with them again. I've fallen out, and have been rejected by most aspies I've met too. That's a pretty sh***y feeling. But then, I think a lot of aspies I've met have been really immature, and don't know what friendship is.

Actually, not most aspies. Maybe half of them.