does anyone here try to do "small-talk"

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No surprise there. That's what small talk is. A thing not being worth saying barely matters. What does matter is that it mildly engages the emotions of the people doing it, and it generates the same emotions in the participants. Weather is a common subject of small talk because most people will like or dislike the weather of the moment together. That's why religion and politics are bad subjects unless you know everybody already agrees.

Gossip goes a little deeper than other small talk. Everybody claims to hate gossip but nearly everybody does it. The subject just under the surface of gossip is people's ethical behavior. Nobody will gossip about Taylor Swift unless she suddenly becomes a different person. Lady Gaga is probably doing something right now that will be gossiped about. People gossip to show each other that they believe the same things about right and wrong.

People talk about troubles and triumphs of mutual friends to show each other they care, even when the talk doesn't result in anybody doing anything.

I think the caffeine one could be a lot better. Obviously he drank a cup too many and got jittery.

If you're in a store it means he's a sales clerk and if you came in to buy or look at a particular thing just say "Hi" right back and tell him what. He will show you where it is and maybe try to get you to want to buy it by having you use it or telling you about it. His telling you about it of course can convey information so you can decide which to get or whether to get anything. It also makes people feel think "Hey, he just helped me, so I should help him by buying something." It's not exactly a thought usually. It's just an emotional thing. So they might buy something they wouldn't have bought anyway. Nobody has an obligation to do that though.

If a sales clerk offers to help you but you just came in to look at things whether or not you might buy them, say you're just looking. If you aren't near something being sold you want to look at you can also ask him where it is. At this point a lot of NTs will get slightly nervous and leave the store sooner than they would have otherwise. And they think we're weird!

If a salesman guesses that a customer is "just looking", he stays far enough away to not make the customer feel like leaving.

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If you're in a building lobby he's offering to help you get where you want to go. Even if you already know how to get there, you have to tell him where. If you want to go somewhere where you need permission but don't have it, they have to tell you you can't or if it comes to it, keep you from proceeding.

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If you're in some place people usually aren't, or some place where the only people around are there for some particular reason (hallway of office or school, construction site, etc.), it means "Get the hell out of here." The right response is to tell him why you're there or ask him if you're not allowed to be there. Unless he then says it's okay or offers to help you find something or something like that, leave. Be polite. Saying "Hi can I help you" when he really means "Get the hell out of here." is about as polite as a person can get. I'm 58 but I didn't know this last one until recently.

Some small talk is telling another person about something that happened in your life that made you happy or sad even if it's only a little bit happy or sad. Then the other person feels happy or sad with you. Again, its about having the same emotion at the same time. It doesn't have to be a lot happy or sad. It could be about a movie you liked.

You have to be careful not to do that too much or too little. If you do it too little the other person might think you don't want to be a friend. If you do it too much the other person will think you only care about yourself. Try to tell little things about your life about as much as the other person tells things about theirs. Except, if the other person goes on and on so much you'll be there just about forever anyway, you shouldn't try to keep up. Another exception to that rule is that if something important just happened in the life of one, that person should be talking more than the other.

Last edited by MrKnowItAll on 08 Feb 2013, 11:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

One last thing: the silly ritual for ending a conversation. One of you has to pretend he doesn't want to go, but has to.
So somebody has to say, "I don't want to keep you any longer. I'll see you later." or "I have to do X." or "I should do X." or at least "I should get going now." You don't have to both say it, but the person who didn't say he has to go should say "Okay" or some brief approval of the others intent to go. Saying you have to go too works too (saying why is optional). Then you both say "Bye" or something that means that and part.

The goofiness of this ritual is awesome. It still don't like it. It feels dishonest. Sometimes it actually IS dishonest. Never mind that, as long as it isn't obviously dishonest. If you have to do X two hours from now and you have plenty of time, that's okay. Except that if you say "I have to do X", you're not supposed to be seen not doing X or at least being on your way to do X for a while. The other person will be micro-offended (that is, just a very tiny bit) if they see you (but will not want to say so or have you say something about it). The offense is not that you made them think you had to do X right away. The offense is that the conversation could have continued and it didn't and you're not doing something even slightly more important. You can erase the offense by starting up the conversation again. It can be a lot shorter than the previous one. In fact it should be, especially when you really do need to do X soon.

The reason for the end of conversation ritual is that Herd People don't like to be reminded that a friend might want to do anything but be with them all the time. It causes micro-hurt feelings to be reminded. Even if they wouldn't remotely want to be together all the time.

MrKnowItAll, I love all your advice!
As social protocols change with time and culture and are not innate, it's striking that NTs are so quick to learn and revere them. It's almost as the NTs need for ritual pertain the group, while aspies need for ritual pertain the individual. If we ruled then their way would be considered abnormal.

This is a great way of putting it. Small talk engages emotional responses rather than 'intellectual' response. AS in general has a socializing 'delay' due to to emotional connections/responses not being processed in real-time. It is linked to the mirror neuron deficiencies that delay the development of socializing skills as well as make recognizing emotions, body language and tonal subtleties in others not take place in real-time.

If small talk is a rapid exchange of mirror-neuron activity-loaded conversation then its no wonder why its so damn hard to participate, initiate it or keep up with it...or make sense of it.



Interesting insight I had not considered. Used as a means to see/display your ethical positions or various subjects.



...which is so irritating. Its like an evolutionary facebook 1.0 in a way... social network 'intel' is gathered through third parties and its stored in some obscure server while the data gathered is used in shady marketing schemes (hey I care!).