Poll on Eye Contact

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I can look at people's eyes if I think about it (which I usually don't), but it's uncomfortably and so distracting that it becomes hard to follow the conversation. It has become slightly better with time - easier to do, less distracting - but it is still not natural. I can tell that it makes people happy when I do it.

It feels kind of like the social equivalent of spitting in your palm before shaking hands: maybe it's what's socially expected and approved of by some people, but it still feels invasive and gross.

I never make eye contact, anyone who knows me is fine with it because they know it makes me feel uncomfortable, its just when new people try to make me do it and say about how its rude not to, I'm not prepares to do anything that makes me feel uncomfortable

Eye contact doesn't come naturally to me, and I can't really read eyes anyway. I usually focus automatically on the mouth, even in videos and still images.

This quote from another thread sums up the way I feel about eye contact pretty well:

For much of my childhood I didn't make much eye contact. I trained myself to, with a lot of help. It eventually felt natural and comfortable. Last couple of months, though? I can't do it very well. I'm not entirely sure why, I think I feel like I'm kind of lying to everyone in the way I act and the way I present myself... and so I look away.

That's not really an autistic problem, in my opinion. But it is on topic I suppose.

I'm lucky to get a few seconds with my partner. Most other humans are lucky to get a second or less. Dogs are no problem.

It feels like I'm going to be sucked into a deep intense emotional pit that I will never be able to handle. I see above that others have trained themselves to do it, but I'm still figuring out why or whether. I'm focusing on other issues first.

I can't look people in the eyes. The fact that I have SOD/ONH and nystagmus doesn't make it any easier either.

I can look people in the eyes unless I'm nervous or the person is upset or angry with me. The more nervous I am, the shorter the time I can make eye contact. My eyes will then start darting around the person's face: eyes-chin-eyes-nose-eyes-forehead, trying to stay in the neighborhood of the eyes, at least. If the person's really mad at me, I won't be able to look at their face at all.

When I was little, we went to the Zoo. There was a panther in a cage. The cage looked too small, and it paced back and forth. It kept staring at me as it paced, like it wanted to gobble me up. When people make eye contact with me, it feels like it did when the panther stared at me, like a predator that wants to devour me: threatening, merciless, and cruel.

I heard the usual stuff from teachers ("Look at me when I'm talking to you!"). My mom told me a story about how she had trouble with eye contact when she was young too, and it made me realize how important it is to people. Mom went to school in Oklahoma, where there were a lot of Native American kids (Mom is part Cherokee). The Native American girls got in trouble a lot, because they looked down when the teacher spoke to them. In their culture, a respectful girl does not look her elders in the eyes, she looks down. But the teachers thought the girls were being sneaky, dishonest, or inattentive. (I'm sure a lot of anti-Native American prejudice factored here too)

I practiced looking at the spot closest to the eyes that I could manage: first I could only manage the collar or hairline, then I worked my way in to the chin or forehead, then the mouth or eyebrows.

Eye to eye staring is a precursor to aggressive action in many species--dogs attack and gorillas charge if you make eye contact (that is, if the dog doesn't know you. Friendly dogs seem to want eye contact). Dian Fossey noted that gorillas usually turn their backs toward other apes if they feel safe with them. It's only humans that freakishly insist that eye contact is a sign of friendliness.