Never ask a local for directions.

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the locals often can give concise information as where to go to...

This is an element in my own, personal, string-theory of Aspergers. But it takes so long to explain, I figured I’d treat it as a separate issue.

As one with no sense of direction, I have extensive experience in asking for it. The five main rules that I have learned are:

1. Never ask a local for directions. Ask a cop or a gas station or a newcomer.
The locals are able to navigate for themselves, but do it so unconsciously that they don’t really know the way at all. They’ll say things like, “go down the road a ways..” Not a mile or three blocks, but “a ways.” They’ll say, “Turn right by the old mill.” Well, ignoring the fact that it’s actually a LEFT hand turn, the old mill was torn down twenty years ago, and in its place is a dilapidated strip mall. Or they’ll say, “Take the first left.” Well no, technically, it is the FIFTH left. It’s just that you’ve passed those others so many times that you can’t see them any more. Newflash: Those little side streets are still there, and the old mill is gone.

2. If you hear the phrase, “Ya can’t miss it,” or “it’s easy,” or any variation on that theme, you need to RUN AWAY. This individual knows, at some level, that the maneuver IS difficult. He wants to say something that is reassuring BECAUSE he KNOWS that it is difficult. So he lies. The phrase, “Ya can’t miss it,” is self contradictory. If it were true, he wouldn’t be saying it. Where the typical local giving the bad directions is unconscious, this individual is brain-dead.

And while you are running, immediately begin the process of erasing anything you can catch from your brain. Those synapses are quick, and you won’t be able to catch them all, but do what you can as quickly a possible.

3. Saying, “I don’t know,” or “I don’t feel like thinking right now,” might be the truth, but they don’t want to admit it, so they make something up. It doesn’t matter what. They just want to get out of this situation and forget it. And they will forget it, within about 15 seconds.

4. Sometimes they simply lie, just for sport. I pulled into a gas station once and asked a handful of teenagers, both boys and girls. One girl had a little more trouble than the others suppressing the smirk. So I asked the middle-aged attendant, and found that the correct way was the opposite of what the kids told me.

5. If you are a man, you can never ask for directions at all. This is seen as irrational by women, but men know instinctively that asking a stranger for directions gives the other guy the right to beat you up and take your woman. Irrational, yes, but it’s
still true.